Page 11 | When did parents stop being the boss

Justsayno123 · 2025-05-15T19:12:27+00:00

Completely aware that I sound like some 'outraged from Surbiton' letter into the Daily Fail... But when did parents stop being in charge of their kids?! I live in a nice area and socialise with a lot of parents. These are well educated people who have achieved some degree of success in their lives and live in relative comfort. No SEN and a lot of the time the children are onlies. So many conversations recently where the other parent says 'well, I just can't make them' or 'I have to give them that choice' or 'I've given up on that one'. Examples of these things include phone usage, bedtime, mealtimes, attending events, or just essentially anything the child doesn't enthusiastically agree to do. I normally just smile politely but I want to scream at them to just take charge! You can make decisions to stop your child doing something which is not in their best interest. You have a duty to try to inculcate healthy ways of living - for their mental and physical health. That is literally your purpose as a parent. Urgh, I literally despair for the future.

Tripleblue · 16/05/2025 14:45

Jinglebellesrock · 16/05/2025 06:20

My opinion is when both parents had to work full time outside the home often long hours with a commute and kids were put into creches all day every day. Then the guilt of doing that parents spoiled their child, didn't want to upset them so they started easing off on parenting. Some kids spend more time in creches then they do with the parents.
Parents then didn't know how to parent, they want to be their kids "bestie's" and let them do what they wanted. Then those kids became parents and because they knew no better the cycle continued but got a bit worse.

The worst behaved kids now are typically the
ones with a stay at home parent or a parent who works very little.
This perhaps wasn't the case decades ago when a child would have been chucked to play outside the whole day and discipline was much stricter while the "stay at home" mother' was slaving away inside the house for free.

Tripleblue · 16/05/2025 21:38

ruethewhirl · 16/05/2025 12:00

If you're in your 30s I'm guessing your parents were boomers or Gen X and I agree re trauma being passed down. I'm Gen X myself (in my late 50s), and imo (and this is not intended as an excuse for crap parenting) we were parented in a way that didn't equip us brilliantly to be parents ourselves. The emphasis was on keeping your kids alive, fed and out of trouble till they were old enough to fend for themselves. Little emphasis on emotional support or nurture, at least in my experience and that of most of my friends. There was love but it was shown a lot less. A lot of us weren't as close to our mums as many people are now, because you grew up with the idea that your parents were authority figures first and foremost. I don't have kids myself, and I often think that's just as well because I wasn't given much of a blueprint for parenting lovingly. My parents loved me a lot and they did show it in their own ways, but attempts to confide in my mum about emotions would be shut down rapidly. A lot of people of my parents' age (Silent Generation, which kind of speaks for itself really rueful smile) really weren't in touch with their own emotions and certainly didn't believe in discussing them, or other people's, even their children's.

Like I said, it's not an excuse for toxic parenting. If people really don't think they can emotionally nurture children then they shouldn't have any. I'm just trying to provide some possible context as to why there might be so much NC'ing of parents my age and slightly older.

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It's not a Gen X thing. For centuries especially if rich children would have been sent away sometimes from.newborn age to live elsewhere.

ruethewhirl · 17/05/2025 00:34

Tripleblue · 16/05/2025 21:38

It's not a Gen X thing. For centuries especially if rich children would have been sent away sometimes from.newborn age to live elsewhere.

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I didn’t say anything about sending children away, not sure where you got that from.

ruethewhirl · 17/05/2025 00:40

LittleBitofBread · 16/05/2025 13:19

I agree, a child small enough to be on a lap should be on one, and an older child should stand if they can so an adult can sit. It's respectful, that's all.

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Agree. This will make some pps’ toes curl, but when I was a child buses in my area had signs saying ‘Children must not occupy seats whilst adult passengers are standing.’ I don’t have a problem with that on the whole, although obviously I realise children with disabilities may need to sit.

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 17/05/2025 01:07

YANBU. But I think from the amount of threads where parents are moaning about their child for some reason or another then get pissy and defensive when people say they need boundaries with their children people will say YABU.

Arraminta · 17/05/2025 11:06

I've noticed that, all these various nonsense parenting techniques, so beloved by a certain type of parent, invariably require almost zero actual effort by the parent. These 'techniques' always seem to allow the parent to basically do bugger all while their DCs run amok.

Funny that.

HotDogKetchup · 17/05/2025 13:01

Sharptonguedwoman · 16/05/2025 14:08

I think it's also relevant that circumstances alter cases. A parent can be strict but loving, be dealing with their own issues or whatever.
Some people just are not very nice. So your grandmother might have been a horrible person or your mother and sister may have driven her distracted
(hypothetically).

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Yes but I find the obsession with being boss and overpowering quite odd to be honest.

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/05/2025 13:09

HotDogKetchup · 17/05/2025 13:01

Yes but I find the obsession with being boss and overpowering quite odd to be honest.

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I think it's a historical thing, from a time when strict obedience was demanded. Most of us find our way using a greater degree of kindness than our parents. Children can run rings around some parents though and I find that can create children who have a problem when they first come up against someone who says 'no' and means it.

cherish123 · 17/05/2025 14:04

Well said

cherish123 · 17/05/2025 14:04

theprincessthepea · 16/05/2025 00:55

I am a huge believer that you can be friendly with your children and strict. I have a teen and a baby and I am strict enough my my eldest, and have been and there are boundaries she does not cross - I’ve got that “mum look” nailed down (that look you give in public that reminds them that you are still the boss when they are acting out) but at the same time we have amazing conversations, outings and I listen to her wants, and accommodate the ones I can within reason.

You can do both, but somewhere down the line we forgot this. To the point where many children have little respect for their parents and have zero boundaries.

It’s sad. Yes children and young people are human beings, and should be treated like one , but they are not adults and their brains are still developing and we as adults have a role to play in making sure we are giving them the tools to be those adults. I think things went downhill when adults lost sight of the fact that children will grow up and become contributors to society, and to be a contributor you have to learn specific tools and ways of being - this generation of parenting treat children as if they will be children forever.

Well said

TempestTost · 17/05/2025 14:14

I think many parents now have been given the impression that if they conflict with their children it's damaging to them, that children will "naturally" start to do things when they are ready, and also many adults themselves have a kind of immediate gratification mindset that works against developing good habits in children.

And the habit thing is a much bigger deal than people realize. Habits, if they are good ones, make it far easier for kids (and adults) to self regulate, and then there is so much less conflict in the child/parent relationship. But they take some time and attention to develop.

Barnbrack · 17/05/2025 23:16

LittleBitofBread · 16/05/2025 13:19

I agree, a child small enough to be on a lap should be on one, and an older child should stand if they can so an adult can sit. It's respectful, that's all.

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Why should someone give you their seat? Why are you more important than a small child? When a child would be more injured than you when standing of the bus jolts etc? That attitude is exactly the problem with parenting in the past. Which everyone here seems to think was great.

ruethewhirl · 18/05/2025 18:17

Barnbrack · 17/05/2025 23:16

Why should someone give you their seat? Why are you more important than a small child? When a child would be more injured than you when standing of the bus jolts etc? That attitude is exactly the problem with parenting in the past. Which everyone here seems to think was great.

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Sorry, where did anyone say it was great? I think I must have missed something...

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/05/2025 21:25

Barnbrack · 17/05/2025 23:16

Why should someone give you their seat? Why are you more important than a small child? When a child would be more injured than you when standing of the bus jolts etc? That attitude is exactly the problem with parenting in the past. Which everyone here seems to think was great.

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It's not a case of adults being more important than small children. Nobody thinks a toddler should be forced to stand on the bus so an able-bodied young adult can sit. But when I was a child it was accepted that children of all ages would be carried at reduced price and the quid pro quo was that if the bus was crowded younger children sat on the lap of the adult they were with, so that an adult could sit and more people could be squeezed on and not left behind at the stop. (Little ones might also end up on the lap of a complete stranger too - most women were perfectly happy to help out in that way.) Older children who could stand safely were expected to do that so that an adult could sit down. They took up less space standing than an adult, so there was logic to that too.

It did no harm that I know. It instilled in children the idea that they needed to be looking out for others and thinking of their comfort. This was a good thing.

Barnbrack · 18/05/2025 21:27

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/05/2025 21:25

It's not a case of adults being more important than small children. Nobody thinks a toddler should be forced to stand on the bus so an able-bodied young adult can sit. But when I was a child it was accepted that children of all ages would be carried at reduced price and the quid pro quo was that if the bus was crowded younger children sat on the lap of the adult they were with, so that an adult could sit and more people could be squeezed on and not left behind at the stop. (Little ones might also end up on the lap of a complete stranger too - most women were perfectly happy to help out in that way.) Older children who could stand safely were expected to do that so that an adult could sit down. They took up less space standing than an adult, so there was logic to that too.

It did no harm that I know. It instilled in children the idea that they needed to be looking out for others and thinking of their comfort. This was a good thing.

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If it instill that in you, why are you making children who are smaller and more vulnerable than you stand to make you feel more respected. Where's the care for others when they're kids?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 18/05/2025 22:05

You're not reading what I'm writing. I'm not making small children do anything. I have no small children these days. When my children were young, I had them on my lap if necessary until I was confident they were old enough to stand safely on a moving crowded bus. They came to no harm, just as my brother and I and our contemporaries also came to no harm from this. I am not the person talking about respect. That was another poster.