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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this an ok gift or not?

53 replies

toosensitivemaybe · 15/05/2025 18:33

So, Dh has been diagnosed with cancer. Prognosis not good. He is awaiting surgery to try and give him more time. He's 43.
It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and SIL gave me a picture for the wall which says "when life gives you lemons, make a G and T".
A G and T is not going to help Dh.

I am thinking this is the most insensative gift ever.

But then my head is all over the place.

Please tell me if I should be pissed off with her.
thank you

OP posts:
ERthree · 15/05/2025 19:25

Please just let it go she isn't worth the head space. Sorry to hear about your darling Husband.

FlockofSquirrels · 15/05/2025 19:51

Honestly it sounds like a random, impersonal and lame gift. I doubt she put any thought into it and she may have just regifted something or grabbed out of a stash of pre-bought items. Which is absolutely lousy, but I definitely wouldn’t spend time or energy trying to connect it to anything you have going on in your life or any intentional personal message.

I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis. I hope you have far more thoughtful and supportive people around you than your brother’s sister.

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:06

Those defending this cretinous woman.
Surely if you were giving a gift to someone whose husband had been diagnosed with something like this, you would think about what you were giving them?
I don’t think saying she probably didn’t link the diagnosis with the gift is good enough. This isn’t a stranger who isn’t aware of what’s happening.

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 20:08

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:06

Those defending this cretinous woman.
Surely if you were giving a gift to someone whose husband had been diagnosed with something like this, you would think about what you were giving them?
I don’t think saying she probably didn’t link the diagnosis with the gift is good enough. This isn’t a stranger who isn’t aware of what’s happening.

Wow what an odd take. Op has literally said she assumes she bought the gift before any of this happened. Guess you're just determined to see the worst regardless of the facts.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/05/2025 20:11

It's tasteless crap but I can only imagine she meant well. I'm sure you don't even like gin and it looks tacky af.
Does she have questionable taste generally?
I'm so sorry about your husband's health x

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:11

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 20:08

Wow what an odd take. Op has literally said she assumes she bought the gift before any of this happened. Guess you're just determined to see the worst regardless of the facts.

Show quote history

But the husband does have cancer and is dying so unless you have severe learning difficulties (which the OP does not mention) how could you not realise that it is an insensitive gift. Better to give some chocs or the gin and tonic itself than something so offensive.

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:12

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:06

Those defending this cretinous woman.
Surely if you were giving a gift to someone whose husband had been diagnosed with something like this, you would think about what you were giving them?
I don’t think saying she probably didn’t link the diagnosis with the gift is good enough. This isn’t a stranger who isn’t aware of what’s happening.

Why does the gift have anything to do with the diagnosis though? It's just a random gift for the OP's birthday.

If she'd been given a voucher to get her nails done nobody would say "why would she want her nails done at a time like this" so why is an equally unremarkable present anything to do with the cancer?

It's a crappy saying about alcohol that belongs in 2006, not a subconscious message to the OP that she should make the best of her situation. Unless the OP comes back and says she's an absolute bitch who has form for this surely most people would take it for what it is.. a tacky gift.

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:13

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:12

Why does the gift have anything to do with the diagnosis though? It's just a random gift for the OP's birthday.

If she'd been given a voucher to get her nails done nobody would say "why would she want her nails done at a time like this" so why is an equally unremarkable present anything to do with the cancer?

It's a crappy saying about alcohol that belongs in 2006, not a subconscious message to the OP that she should make the best of her situation. Unless the OP comes back and says she's an absolute bitch who has form for this surely most people would take it for what it is.. a tacky gift.

Show quote history

It’s more akin to buying a manicure for someone who’s just had a double arm amputation.

I can only assume the strange people on here defending this awful person are just as insensitive.

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:15

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:12

Why does the gift have anything to do with the diagnosis though? It's just a random gift for the OP's birthday.

If she'd been given a voucher to get her nails done nobody would say "why would she want her nails done at a time like this" so why is an equally unremarkable present anything to do with the cancer?

It's a crappy saying about alcohol that belongs in 2006, not a subconscious message to the OP that she should make the best of her situation. Unless the OP comes back and says she's an absolute bitch who has form for this surely most people would take it for what it is.. a tacky gift.

Show quote history

The sign literally is about making the bets out of a situation so why would you give it to someone who is in Such a terrible situation that can’t be made better.
I’m genuinely gobsmacked at the people falling over themselves to defend this woman.

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 20:16

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:11

But the husband does have cancer and is dying so unless you have severe learning difficulties (which the OP does not mention) how could you not realise that it is an insensitive gift. Better to give some chocs or the gin and tonic itself than something so offensive.

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Because not everyone would draw a connection to the quote and to her husband's diagnosis. These type of picture/plaques are very common and i would draw a correlation at all. Again, shes literally said she probably bought it before any of this. Theres no connection.

I think its insensitive to suggest some chocolates could cheer you up when your spouse has cancer. Weird.

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 20:19

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:13

It’s more akin to buying a manicure for someone who’s just had a double arm amputation.

I can only assume the strange people on here defending this awful person are just as insensitive.

Show quote history

Lol how ridiculous

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:20

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:13

It’s more akin to buying a manicure for someone who’s just had a double arm amputation.

I can only assume the strange people on here defending this awful person are just as insensitive.

Show quote history

Or maybe we just don't assume the worst in family members. Clearly the OP doesn't feel it's as cut and dry as you feel it obviously is or she wouldn't have posted.

There's a real woman who may lose her husband at the other end of this conversation and it's ridiculous you're suggesting the relative has done this on purpose so defiantly as to convince OP they must be a terrible "cretinous" person to have bought the gift. Do you think alienating a relative at a time when OP probably needs a lot of support with no evidence the relative has done anything on purpose is conducive? I swear half of Mumsnet would have everyone go no contact with people over the slightest thing.

The gift was tacky and impersonal but unless (and I suspect isn't the case) the sister is normally a horrible person then posters jumping up and down assuming the worst is such an overreaction.

BertSymptom · 15/05/2025 20:28

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:12

Why does the gift have anything to do with the diagnosis though? It's just a random gift for the OP's birthday.

If she'd been given a voucher to get her nails done nobody would say "why would she want her nails done at a time like this" so why is an equally unremarkable present anything to do with the cancer?

It's a crappy saying about alcohol that belongs in 2006, not a subconscious message to the OP that she should make the best of her situation. Unless the OP comes back and says she's an absolute bitch who has form for this surely most people would take it for what it is.. a tacky gift.

Show quote history

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade/G&T” literally means make the best of a bad situation/have a positive attitude about bad things. I’m a terrible gift giver and even I can see that it’s not the tackiness that’s the problem - it’s a completely unsuitable present for someone whose DH has just been diagnosed with cancer.

OP sorry to hear about your DH. I see why it would rub you up the wrong way but unless SIL has form for being this sort of evil I’d try to brush it off as a really thoughtless gift (and donate it to a charity shop or something).

nomas · 15/05/2025 20:30

It’s just a generic gift. There was no malice intended.

You’re feeling sensitive because of DH’s prognosis so things are hitting harder.

Now is the time you need support so I wouldn’t make this into an issue.

nomas · 15/05/2025 20:35

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:13

It’s more akin to buying a manicure for someone who’s just had a double arm amputation.

I can only assume the strange people on here defending this awful person are just as insensitive.

Show quote history

More like we know that lots of people buy those wall pictures without a lot of thought. Other popular ones.

Live laugh love
Do the things that make you happy
All you need is kindness
Dream believe achieve

It’s not my thing but lots of people love them and don’t send them ironically.

Acc0untant · 15/05/2025 20:44

BertSymptom · 15/05/2025 20:28

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade/G&T” literally means make the best of a bad situation/have a positive attitude about bad things. I’m a terrible gift giver and even I can see that it’s not the tackiness that’s the problem - it’s a completely unsuitable present for someone whose DH has just been diagnosed with cancer.

OP sorry to hear about your DH. I see why it would rub you up the wrong way but unless SIL has form for being this sort of evil I’d try to brush it off as a really thoughtless gift (and donate it to a charity shop or something).

Show quote history

Then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Posters have vilified the SIL but it's more likely that if asked she'd say something like "really sorry I didn't make the connection, I just saw it in the shop and thought it would match your kitchen" rather than "yes I saw it and instantly thought of your current situation."

Eldermillennialmum · 15/05/2025 20:44

It is a shit present and I'd feel the same as you but is this your DH sister? If so then she is probably hit by this too.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 15/05/2025 20:46

I think the pertinant question is were you actually given this before you knew about your husband’s diagnosis @toosensitivemaybe? Your posts don’t make it clear.

You say your birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I get the impression the diagnosis is more recent, please let me know if I’m wrong.

My take is, if it was given to you before anyone knew anything about your husband then it was just a naff present. If it was given after then it was highly insensitive and hurtful.

Either way, your focus doesn’t need to be taken up with this. I know it’s easy for me to say but try and put it out of your mind and just concentrate on what you and your husband need. (Sorry if that sounds trite). Sending lots of love.xx

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:52

Eldermillennialmum · 15/05/2025 20:44

It is a shit present and I'd feel the same as you but is this your DH sister? If so then she is probably hit by this too.

The OP said it’s her brother’s wife.

slamdunk66 · 15/05/2025 21:26

I would say it’s meant to be light hearted and I wouldn’t take it any other way.

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/05/2025 21:58

Gymrabbit · 15/05/2025 20:06

Those defending this cretinous woman.
Surely if you were giving a gift to someone whose husband had been diagnosed with something like this, you would think about what you were giving them?
I don’t think saying she probably didn’t link the diagnosis with the gift is good enough. This isn’t a stranger who isn’t aware of what’s happening.

People don't think sometimes. They don't make connections. They had a gift brought and don't want to change it.

alphabetti · 15/05/2025 22:01

She probably didn’t think it through. I would just put it in cupboard and if she asks just say it’s not quite fitting right now but you’ve put it in a safe place for when you in that position to laugh about things again.

When my grandad died my best mate sent a card with picture of a bear on holding a glass with the words Gin and Bear it! Inside she wrote the usual sorry for your loss etc I just put it at back of some other stuff i had and just think she didn’t quite realise.

NineteenSeventyNine · 15/05/2025 22:04

YANBU, it was highly insensitive, even if it was well intentioned.

I’m so sorry about your DH’s diagnosis - what a devastating thing to happen. Very much hope the treatment is a success and gives you more precious time together, and that you have good support around you x

Doggielovecharlotte · 16/05/2025 11:57

Fruitbat99 · 15/05/2025 19:10

But who has decided the gift is in connection to her husband having cancer? I could give that gift to my friend and her husband doesn't have cancer, so its not relevant?

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But the OPs husband DOES have cancer

its like giving a card with “cheer up” on it

Doggielovecharlotte · 16/05/2025 11:59

HuffleMyPuffle · 15/05/2025 21:58

People don't think sometimes. They don't make connections. They had a gift brought and don't want to change it.

Show quote history

So they are being highly insensitive if that their take..which is what OP is struggling with

it’s like a kick in the guts