To think a grown man should be able to remember to lock the front door?

[Elisabeth3468]

So many times I come down in the morning and the front door is unlocked. My partner is the last to come home and goes the gym later in the evening and often I'm already in bed feeding the baby.
Do you think it's reasonable that he should remember to lock the front door? I sometimes message him to remind him but then I think he should be able to think for himself. But he doesn't.... he also leaves the lights on downstairs too which infuriates me. He's not generally a lazy person so it's not that.
Am I being over the top? I just get exhausted having to think for everyone. A toddler and a baby to care for and have to think for my partner too.

What is his take on it? Does he just not think it's important?

I mean on the face of it yes, he's a grown man and he should be able to remember using phone reminders or whatever if necessary. So why isn't he?

It sounds lonely for you OP. Hope you are doing ok.

Does he manage to remember to do some things, OP? Such as setting an alarm for work, or brushing his teeth every morning? If yes, then it's merely a case that he remembers the things that matter to him. He doesn't care enough about locking the door, or doing it because you have said it's important to you. If he can't remember anything at all, I'd be more forgiving.

We rarely if ever lock our front door so I'm not sure what the issue is. People forget, it's really not worth getting in a stink about.

Mine does this too. Does my head in 😡

I guess the answer depends on if he doesn't lock it because he doesn't believe it to be necessary when someone's home, or if he does think it should be locked and genuinely forgets. Your approach to the situation would be very different in each case.

@Gustavo77 we don't lock ours either, but that's because of where we live. It's perfectly normal and reasonable not to want a burglar or worse walking into your house while you are asleep. You are being disingenuous.

You are not being unreasonable at all, I just don’t understand it either. However, my husband used to do the same thing so I changed the door to one that locks when you shut it. Don’t get me started on the leaving on of lights, or not shutting cupboard doors……

Well if a burglar walked into your house in the middle of the night, or day even, I think you would soon work out what the issue is.

DH never "locks up" at night, even if he's the last in. I grew up in a household where my father made the rounds each night before going to bed. Now this responsibility has fallen on me, and I don't think DH even knows I do it because the task itself is completely removed from his mind. This goes hand in hand with turning off lights...He is oblivious.

It's on a long list of things that gives me the total ick about him, but it's not worth the battle because he still wouldn't think to do it, so I just shut up and do it myself and silently curse him each time.

Security should definitely be a priority for him.

I finish work at 4am. I see young lads cycling around the estates dressed in black, they're looking for anything that isn't locked down.

I wouldn't fancy waking up to them in my home.

Some people struggle to form habits like this, I know because I'm one of them. The best approach instead of repeatedly getting annoyed that he doesn't do something he clearly finds hard to remember is come up with an appropriate solution such as a door which locks when it closes.

yep... He's always remembers to go to work... to go to the gym... to go to football matches.
I arrange all the bill paying, arrange paying nursery fees, buying nappies, arrange children's appointments etc. I just feel mentally drained. And now I also need to remember to check all the doors are locked even though he goes to bed much later than me. He's a very laid back person but in no way lazy. He will do jobs but I have to delegate which is draining in itself.
when I question him he just says sorry he forgot as was busy tidying etc.

There's been loads of recent car robberies near us lately, I don't know why he can't just lock it.

In light of your update I'd offer him three choices:

Start going to bed at the same time as you every night so you can lock up (yes he may have to sacrifice hobbies).

Arrange for the door locks to be changed to self-locking. This is his responsibility as he's causing the problem. He has a week to arrange to get it done.

Every night without fail he remembers to lock it. He may need to set alarms, or put up a sign, or something, but this is his problem to sort.

My DH came back from work one day to find he hadn't locked it. I was at home all day, even had a sleep, but never noticed. It scared the crap out of me when I found out because at the time we lived in a block of flats in a rough area where on several occasions someone was heard to be trying the front door handle.

He was all, "no big deal, nothing happened did it".

He did it again quite soon after but this time it was when he came in from work. Knowing he had been sleeping 10 feet from the front door with it unlocked scared the crap out of HIM.

He developed an obsessive habit of double and triple checking it ever since. Every single time he leaves or comes back. Dopey fucker has locked me in and buggered off to work holding both sets of keys on a few occasions too. I did not enjoy that. As I am claustrophobic I was sorely tempted to take the door to bits with my power tools but I just about resisted the urge.

All I know is it leaves you feeling vulnerable when you discover the door was unlocked all night while you were sleeping. He needs a good talking to.

Don't just take over though. Nagging obviously won't work but talk to him about it. Why isn't he doing it - does he not think it's important, is it not on his mental to do list because you know you'll do it, does he simply forget and if so how much does he care? It's not unsolvable as long as he's a half decent human being who cares about you, but the solution depends on why he's not doing it.

We are a neurodiverse household who struggle with all kinds of things, but my husband would find a way to do it if he knew it was important to me.

He's just so forgetful. We've had a discussion and he said he will make sure the door is always locked.
I've asked him to hand in picture forms to our son's nursery for 3 days now (he does drop off) and he's forgotten. Today is the deadline and the form is still sat there. I had to remember to fill it in and pay online, all he needed to remember was to hand in the form.

So first question is yours a front door that needs locking to stop access (opens from outside) or does just closing it provide a need for a key from the outside?

I would be fuming if the first that essentially whilst your sleeping anyone could just walk into your home

If the latter I'd be peeved and put a big post it note on the door did you dead lock the door vibe

He’s showing you that he doesn’t see this as important. He can remember the things important to him. He’s also made it clear he thinks anything to do with your child is “wife work”. This may be a subconscious thing he’s done, but that’s what it is.

From someone who’s 20 years on from where you are - talk about it now. Because it will eat at you and you will resent him, then hate him eventually.

I obviously wouldn't do this, but it did cross my mind to wake him up every morning at 3am saying you can hear someone downstairs!

He's soon remember to lock it if it impacted him.

Forgetful? Never forgets to go to the gym does he? I bet he’s got his towel, his headphones charged, his drinks bottle.

Can’t remember to drop off forms to nursery, can’t be arsed more like. What a pathetic excuse for a man

I never need to lock mine, and when I lived in a house with a Yale and a mortice lock, and I never used the mortice lock when I was in.

For many years from my teens, I used to have recurring dreams about being trapped in a burning building and unable to unlock the door to get out. I still feel really uncomfortable if I stay with friends who have locked doors that need a key to get out. I have to make sure I know exactly where the keys are in case of an emergency.

When I had my doors and windows replaced a few years ago, they fitted a high security lock on the front door that locks when you shut it, so no need for a key to open it. And they didn't even think I was bonkers for asking for it!

Do you live on an island by yourself?

Can’t you understand that most people want their houses to be locked at night to prevent burglars?

Is the very last thing he does at night to come upstairs?
I would be placing a chain across the bottom of the stairs with a hanging reminder sign. Something so memorable and silly that it may just create a flag.

Then the last thing YOU do when you go upstairs is hang that chain across.

or put a note on every F’ing stair every night for a week.

Alternatively take and hide something very valuable to him. Then when he kicks off, say well maybe someone took it as the door was unlocked. Then let him sweat.