AIBU to have been stern with my neighbour’s toddler?

[keke2605]

Long story short I live in an upstairs flat. My neighbours live below and we have to share one garden.

Every time I take my toddler (nearly 2yo) out the neighbours 3yo daughter comes out.

Each time I’ve been taking him out she goes straight over to him either pulls him hard, grabs him, pushes him or yanks his hair. I always have to move her away or take my son back inside. I always watch over but she does it so quick sometimes.

The family know what she’s like as I’ve mentioned it before. Today I’ve been stern with her and told her to not touch my son and to leave him alone. Her mum came out and said ‘sorry she’s very naughty’ and took her daughter back inside.

I know toddlers will be toddlers but this happens every single time I go out, even when I’m just putting washing out. My toddler isn’t like this. It annoys me and I feel like I have to avoid going in the garden.

Ah, your poor son but poor girl too, her mum sounds like she can't be arsed to parent and teach her and facilitate a meaningful bit of play.

She'd rather just not bother and call her naughty.

You did the right thing. Advocate for your child.

Eta- could you pop by one day and say you know you caught her daughter on a bad day last week but it would be lovely if they wanted to join you at the park at the weekend. Then if its terrible there is no garden play precedent set but you might find she was stressed and overwhelmed. Only you can make the judgement though based on what you saw x

Does the 3 year old’s mum come out with her DD to supervise her? If she doesn’t I’d ask her to and say that you don’t wish to watch her DC when in the garden with yours.

Why would she want to put her son through that? He’s already getting hit etc in her garden.

Exactly this. She doesn’t she just lets her daughter come out. Literally is me watching her daughter too. I wouldn’t let my son go out in the garden alone.

This is sad. I don’t blame you for looking out for your son at all but I can’t help but also feel bad for the little girl that she’s just left to her own devices and labelled naughty. Maybe if she had some guidance..

This 👍

Do you think she sends her daughter out when she sees you're there, hoping you'll be free childcare for a bit?

I think you just have to be stern with the child every time it happens, and make it her mother’s problem by reporting it to her every time. She needs to be inconvenienced (and hopefully embarrassed) into getting off her arse and supervising her very young child properly. Lazy mare.

Maybe. She has 4 kids, oldest is 14 maybe. Her husband works and she’s home with the toddler.

I would be stern with the mother. She needs to supervise her daughter.

If your neighbour happily sends her out while you're out in the garden without being there herself I'd take that as she expected you to keep an eye on her....included in that would be parenting and if you'd do the same if your your own DC behaved like that then IMO you parented (is that a word) her and done the right thing.

Yanbu - I remember a little boy in my extended family 'playfighting' (but very unwanted and roughly) with someone and then raising his fist to me while I had my baby in a sling. I had to be a bit stern with him. His useless parents looked a bit affronted, but honestly, look after your own child if you don't want someone else to tell him off.

Shout "Go away" at the 3 year old every time she approaches your 2 year old.

Fgs, what am over reaction. If her mother isn't going to model hiw to play together thrn maybe OP could. Her child needs to learn too.

Does the 3yo understand that the garden is shared? It sounds as though she wants to claim her space and perhaps with 3 older siblings in what I guess is not a large space for a family of 6 she’s trying to stand her ground over the one child in her vicinity who is smaller and younger than her.

Is there any way to divide the space so you have your area and can get some privacy?

I’d also take her by the hand and back to her back door every time her behaviour is poor and tell her mum that you don’t want to supervise her child while you’re playing with your toddler so can she either come out with her DD or keep her indoors.

I would take her back to her door and tell her mum to take care of her own kid every time she comes over and misbehaves. I don’t let my 3 year old misbehave and I am not allowing other kids do that to her either.

Of course YANBU. I cannot imagine any parent ever tolerating watching their child be hit or pushed without saying something and stepping in to protect them.

I think you will need to be firm every time she comes out, and when her mother or father comes out, tell them straight 'I had to step in as she hit/pushed my son'. You will have to get to a point when she comes out that you block your son's body from her. I feel desperately sorry for her as she's just a toddler being let down massively by her parents.

The OP isn't an unpaid childminder you know. It's not up to her to parent somebody else's child just because they don't seem able to. Why would she want to include the little girl who keeps hitting her son? That's ridiculous and not for her to have to sort out!

Maybe the OP doesn't want her child playing with one that keeps hitting him! It's not up to her to have to teach the other child how to play nicely!

Perfectly reasonable of you

Because the mum obviously has some willingness to intervene, it's just that rather than doing it appropriately in the moment, she labelled her daughter naughty and snatched her away.

Its a judgement call for OP as to whether that reaction was a "can't be arsed" reaction or an "I'm exhausted and embarrassed" reaction. The latter, I'd try to make things better.

No, of course its not OPs job to parent her, but they are going to be sharing that garden for a bloody long time and it's miserable to have difficult neighbours it would be better for OP amd her son if she intervened each time rather than hiding and going to the park seems like a less fractious environment.

Good for you, it takes a village and all that. You're doing the girl a favour teaching her how to behave, seen as her mum can't be bothered. If she knows her child is a menace she should be out there supervising her.

You’ve missed the point by a mile. OP’s little boy is being physically hurt by this little girl, and while it’s not the child’s fault her mother is useless, OP’s priority is the wellbeing of her own child. Inviting his bully on play dates is hardly going to be good for him.