AIBU to leave these children off the party invites?

[receptionmummy]

First DC summer born so first experience of arranging a birthday party for classmates etc. this might be a silly question to worry about but I’m interested in the etiquette around birthday parties at this age (reception / turning 5).

My child is in reception and their birthday is in June. We’ve been talking about what kind of party they would like. They have consistently said a list of around 15 children which sometimes fluctuates, but they have consistently said no to certain names. These are 3 particular children who can be fairly dominating / sometimes fight and with whom my child has had some arguments and upsets with at times, although also does play with them sometimes at school too. These 3 children have all had their birthday parties already this year and all invited my child. One of them only invited a smallish group but still my child was included.

Recently we’ve been present at parties where we’ve seen how these 3 children act and interact with other children / our child and have come away feeling we are relieved our child is choosing to separate themselves from these friendships, as they can be quite unpleasant and violent in their actions and language given they are only little. We haven’t actively pushed our child to move away from them but they seem to have come to this decision themselves after various upsets and dramas and have said “ I don’t want to be friends with x, y & z”.

For context, a lot of the kids in the class have invited the whole class to their parties, and about half of them have had a smaller group of around 15-20.

I’m obviously going to support my child and if they consistently say no to inviting certain children we will not invite them.

However I don’t think the 3 children’s mums have the first clue that my child doesn’t really want to socialise with their children, and they are very friendly and I see them around a lot - at various kids parties! They don’t tend to bat an eyelid on their children’s behaviour.

How do we go about not inviting these 3 children, and only having a chosen group of around 15, whilst not upsetting these children or their parents who have invited our child to their parties already this year (at places like soft play centres and trampolining at not inconsiderable expense)?

I don’t think we are now obligated to return the invite but just wanted to see what the general consensus is over the best way to manage.

I think it's mean to invite 15 children from the class and not the rest. Especially in the situation you describe where children think they are your child's friend.

Invite 5 kids or less or whole class, otherwise I don't think it's a nice thing to do.

What the actual fuck are you talking about?? You have completely got that wrong!
I was responding to the poster who said all kids were 'badly behaved arrogant intolerable brats' who all act horrible and accused the OP of being precious for not wanting these kind of kids at her sons party. Obviously SHE had one of these kids, not me!

This really annoyed me because my son would never behave anything like that because from the day he was born I've taught him right from wrong and invested so much is raising him as a good human being.
I did acknowledge to her that all kids do go nuts at parties but but no not all kids behave like the 'badly behaved arrogant intolerable brats' she was referring to. If I am completely honest my son is still very well behaved in crazy party situations but I can acknowledge that most kids get crazy at parties.

You couldn't have got that any more wrong, my son is very sensitive, well behaved, kind and gentle little boy. All his friends are girls, he loves nothing more than having a snuggle and squishmallows. I am a very good parent who would never let him misbehave or do anything remotely unkind to anyone.

You really need to reread the conversation and the comments I was responding to and wind your neck in, seriously saying I have no idea what I am creating!
I completely agree with you that horrible little shitty kids who are bully's are raised by absent shitty parents who don't know how to discipline them correctly. Seriously reread and ill await your apology for getting the complete end of the stick!

Now this is one where the quoting function didn’t do what I was intending to do. I read your comment, clicked on your original quote and happily ranted away. So my intention was to actually agree with you as a reply to the same quote. Now that went well, didn’t it?! So obviously my apologies. My intention was to basically add to your point of view. This is what you call quoting gone wrong.

Thank you for the apology.

No obligation. Invite who your child wants to invite. It’s fine and completely normal.

We were in a similar boat with my DC’s birthday. We typically invite the whole class (it’s a small size) however he kept on saying he wants to exclude on child that was physical with him on regular basis. I felt bad but listened to my child- no one deserves to have people they find unpleasant at their birthday.

And that’s ok. The children’s parties may have been months ago before their behaviour became an issue. At least that’s what happened in our case.

Inviting 15 from a class of 30 is fine.

Inviting the whole class and excluding just three isn't.

Then there’s no problem.
A simple, ‘sorry - limited numbers!’ and it’s done.

They have.

Our rule is that if they go to a DCs party they invite that child to theirs.
The only exception we made was in year 5 a girl who she'd been "sort of" friends with, same friend group but not close, started being absolutely horrible to her to the point school got involved for bullying.
If the children are just being typical slightly annoying young kids I'd invite them if you have enough spaces to still invite the other DC that your child wants there.

That's a really good rule. Wish I'd thought of it when mine were young.

Just invite everyone except anyone that's mean to them?

One of the mums at our school is the probably the most patient and kind parent I've met, is constantly talking things through with her DC and is extremely invested in them. 1 of her DC (the girl) is absolutely lovely and well behaved, while her boy is unmanageable, impulsive, will annoy other children by saying things like I can do that better all the time.

You absolutely cannot act like it's purely down to your parenting that your son has a quiet sensitive personality. It can contribute, but you can't shape a child into being exactly what you want, they are individuals just like adults are.
Our own DC have very different interests and challenges despite the same upbringing too. For example one loves reading, the other absolutely hates it and finds it hard. We have done the same start for encouraging reading and a love of books, but you can't mold a child into being exactly as you want.

I think that changes things.

YWBU if their parties were weeks or a month ago but over 5 months ago, I wouldn’t invite them if their behaviour is likely to take away from your son and everyone else enjoying his birthday party.

I think it's fine since only half of the class are invited anyway and things have changed since DC went to their birthday parties at the start of the school year.

You are only inviting 15 children so invite the children your child wants and don’t overthink it. Honestly the cycle of children’s parties means the odd weekend off is a blessed relief at this age and in a few years time neither your child or the others will even remember who was at each party.

I don’t actually subscribe to MN’s “large parties must include the whole class, however difficult the child may be”.

There is a big difference between telling infant/junior children they should try to get on with everyone and be tolerant and forcing them to invite a child who has bullied them or other children and will disrupt the event.

I was responding to a woman who was saying horrible things about the child I am raising and the way i was bringing him up. She did this in error as she responded to the wrong comment.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to comment to suggest I am trying to raise him exactly how I want him to be and that I think he is well behaved just because I have raised him well . Have I suggested this? I was purely explaining to this other woman why my child is nothing like what she accused him of being.
MN are on fire lately.

Did your child opt to attend those 3 parties of the children they really dislike, when invited? Why, if they don't like them?
They shouldn't have taken up a space if they dislike the child, if they dislike these children so much why would they want to go to their party 🙄
They should have turned down the invitation so that the mum could invite someone else.
Im guessing your child went to the party tho right, because they didn't want to miss out on the fun activity.

One of my kids had a 'friend' like that - happy to come to our parties every year but never invited my child back, had a party with other kids but not mine. So we stopped inviting that kid.

Just be discreet in the issuing of the invitations, there are only ten, hand them out away from other class mates. Your DS's smart decision to back off from the friendships shouldn't be ignored. I think your putting your feelings of possible discomfort in front of their mums ahead of your son's wishes and that's understandable, but inviting them could make things difficult for you ds in the playground as the 3 children will be getting mixed signals.

OP explained that the three parties were at the start of the school year when they did not really know the children. As an adult if I was invited to a new acquaintances party and I didn't like how they conducted themselves and decided to distance myself, I certainly wouldn't feel obliged to then invite them to anything that I hosted.

You didn't suggest it, you literally said it "my son would never behave anything like that because from the day he was born I've taught him right from wrong and invested so much is raising him as a good human being" and "I am a very good parent who would never let him misbehave or do anything remotely unkind to anyone."

OP literally said :

Yes that’s what I’m thinking. I think that my child only recently starting feeling / expressing that they don’t want to be friends with these 3 kids, after a spike in incidents. They all had their parties last Autumn when they were still relatively new.

OP and her child didn’t know them then, but they do now.

Takes nothing to either look at only OP posts or use the ‘see all’ button when the thread is only 4 pages.

I think it’s pretty normal to do a full class party in reception . After a while I think there ends up being a boy/ girl divid . What’s been the norm in the class ? Also a bit off not to reciprocate an invitation . If kids misbehaved we just dealt with it - didn’t just let them carry on . The only issue I ever had was a kid in a Spider-Man outfit where I had no idea which little darling it was and struggled to get him under control - his dad didn’t step in . My kids are now teens though so maybe times have changed . However 4/5 year olds are still learning and I’d be more worried if they were all angelic

My only worry would be if they then decide to exclude your own dc afterwards