AIBU to leave these children off the party invites?

[receptionmummy]

First DC summer born so first experience of arranging a birthday party for classmates etc. this might be a silly question to worry about but I’m interested in the etiquette around birthday parties at this age (reception / turning 5).

My child is in reception and their birthday is in June. We’ve been talking about what kind of party they would like. They have consistently said a list of around 15 children which sometimes fluctuates, but they have consistently said no to certain names. These are 3 particular children who can be fairly dominating / sometimes fight and with whom my child has had some arguments and upsets with at times, although also does play with them sometimes at school too. These 3 children have all had their birthday parties already this year and all invited my child. One of them only invited a smallish group but still my child was included.

Recently we’ve been present at parties where we’ve seen how these 3 children act and interact with other children / our child and have come away feeling we are relieved our child is choosing to separate themselves from these friendships, as they can be quite unpleasant and violent in their actions and language given they are only little. We haven’t actively pushed our child to move away from them but they seem to have come to this decision themselves after various upsets and dramas and have said “ I don’t want to be friends with x, y & z”.

For context, a lot of the kids in the class have invited the whole class to their parties, and about half of them have had a smaller group of around 15-20.

I’m obviously going to support my child and if they consistently say no to inviting certain children we will not invite them.

However I don’t think the 3 children’s mums have the first clue that my child doesn’t really want to socialise with their children, and they are very friendly and I see them around a lot - at various kids parties! They don’t tend to bat an eyelid on their children’s behaviour.

How do we go about not inviting these 3 children, and only having a chosen group of around 15, whilst not upsetting these children or their parents who have invited our child to their parties already this year (at places like soft play centres and trampolining at not inconsiderable expense)?

I don’t think we are now obligated to return the invite but just wanted to see what the general consensus is over the best way to manage.

This!

You are not inviting the whole class, so it's perfectly OK.
Worst case they won't invite yours next year, which sounds like it would be a relief?
When mine were little, I only accepted birthday invitations to parties where the birthday child was an actual friend of my child. Otherwise it takes up every weekend, costs a fortune, and there is this pressure to reciprocate / feel obliged.
So I wouldn't have gone to a party where my kid didn't like the other kid.
The kids don't even care anyway, especially not at 3!

I'd invite them. I'd explain to your son that he attended their parties so you are inviting them back. I also have a child in the first year of primary school OP and unlike my older children's classes this class is party central and we have another one this weekend. DD was the first of the parties so everyone was enthusiastic and excited but at this stage party fatigue has set in. We are still going to this weekends party as it's the child's first primary school party and a big deal for them. Next year we will have a smaller party and I will turn down invitations to any parties if DD isnt friendly with that child. Sorry for being so long winded OP but my answer is to invite them as it's almost the end of the school year and then just not go to their parties next year

She did. That's literally what the post is about

'You're not obliged to reciprocate invitations (what's the worst that could happen, they don't invite your son next year?)'

No one is ever obliged to invite anyone, the point is the dc either likes these kids or they don't. If they like them enough to attend their parties then they should invite them to their own. To be all fussy because they can be dominating yet clearly not that bad to miss out on a party and party bags would seem a bit selective.

Op, just tell your dc to lighten up a bit. They're only in reception this should be the fun easy bit.

My little girl had this situation once before. Let your child invite who they want is what I have now decided to do and if the children that you haven’t invited ask questions just say it’s a small budgeted party and these are the children that have been invited.

I disagree with people saying you must invite children who invite you to their party.
Your child can invite who they want as long as it isn't only leaving out a couple, which you aren't.
Over the years my son has generally invited the same friends to his party, several of whom never invite him to theirs. That doesn't make me not want to invite them if he wants them to come to his.

have only read OPs posts. It is perfectly fine to invite only those children your DC wants to invite.

The chances of your DC then receiving invitations from those children ever again is slight, but if they do - politely decline. That is all that is required.

You only really need to be careful about leaving some children out if you are doing a whole class invitation. Then you really can't leave any out.

It’s really not, most people know a class size is around 30. She’s specifically talking about those 3 because until recently they were friends and her DS has been to all of their parties so will it be rude to exclude them from his

My daughter is having her 6th party this year and we can only invite 15 children due to the activity. I sat her down and asked her who she wanted to invite. We wrote the invitations and I gave the invites to their parents in a subtle way so the children not invited wouldn't see. I've not had anyone stop speaking to me yet so must have worked 😂

If my child went to someone elses party I would always invite them to my child's.
The only time I wouldn't would be if it was a small party and numbers were restricted because of the activity, venue etc.
But there isn't a rule about these things each situation is different

Does it really baffle you? Nonsense - you just want to have a pop at someone who is saying if your child says they don't want there then don't invite them. The OP is saying he needs to consistently say he doesn't want them there. If they've been unkind to him or hurt him, why would you entertain them?

I think it's quite clear. The children she wants go exclude invited her child to their birthday parties and he attended them.

I think if you're only inviting about 10 from a class of 30 then it's fine for some children who did invite your child to be left off the list. If you were obliged to invite them, then they'd be obliged to invite your DC to their next one, and so on till they're all in Year 6, which is clearly barking.
With any luck, if the parents notice their children are not being invited to things it might prompt some consideration of their behaviour.

At 5 , most parties were whole class parties when my dc were that age.

If it's mixed sex, having just under half the class is fine. You can't invite 10/13 boys though, for example, without hurting feelings and possibly causing issues for your DC.

I would say a good rule is "all or less than half" of any group. So:

• All or less than half of the class
• All or less than half of the boys in the class
• All or less than half of the girls in the class
• All or less than half of any specific group eg "boys from school who go to Beavers, etc.

If you were inviting (for example) all the boys except 3 naughty ones ... if they were boisterous rather than bullies, I'd probably invite them but watch them closely and not be afraid to tell them to stop doing xyz if the parents don't step in.

'These are 3 particular children who can be fairly dominating / sometimes fight and with whom my child has had some arguments and upsets with at times'

So why did he/she attend their parties?

Just don’t invite them. And if anyone asked why just say. I invited bullies to my son’s birthday parties for years in primary school and they continued to be bullies. Don’t like or reward unlikable people. Don’t care what age they are. Don’t reward horrible behaviour. I wish I could go back in time and undo the fact that I did that.

DS1 has an autumn term birthday so we were issuing class/ all the boys type invitations before the tone of the school year was set. There were people that attended several parties of his without sending him invitations. I don't know if they ever held parties or not and I don't care either. DS had parties he was happy with and that's that really. The only complaint I have is that a couple of peple were flakey and messed us around over RSVPs.

It's not fair to strategically exclude a small number of people without a very sound reason, but in this case inviting 10 from a class and not inviting a few children that OP's child finds too rough is not an exclusionary act as the majority are not being invited.

You aren't beholden to inviting children who had a whole class party 6+ months earlier before friendships and personalities developed otherwise everyone will be tied into inviting everyone for ever more.

Yes and thst is fine but I bet your ds didn't attend their parties did he like this kid does?

Just be careful of creating bad feeling with the parents, because at that age the jkids fall in and out with one another very quickly and often, whereas parents have longer memories and harbour grudges. You dont want to have a mum that doesnt like you when the kids are besties again.

Your child doesn’t have to spend their birthday with people they do not like and feel uneasy about. We adults wouldn’t.
My DD is in year 2 now. Ever since reception bday parties are hot currency. To the point that some kids do the “ if you want to come to my party you have to do this, that and the other “. Your job as a parent is nothing else bit raising your child so they can stand up for themselves and are able to live a life within moral and legal boundaries. Fact of life is that not everyone likes everyone. And the nambi pambi attitude of “ we are all such wonderful friends “ is absolute nonsense. It’s okay not to like someone. But it’s not okay to make them a target. Teach your child how to be friendly and polite even with people that are not their friends. They will always have to get along people that they might not particularly like. As long as they do not taunt the uninvited and make then feel bad let them make their own choices. Equally, it might cause some reflection. If nobody ever points bad behaviour out and teaches that there are consequences then you don’t do them any favours either. In our class in reception and year one it was always “ awww they are so small they are still learning about social interaction.” Maybe that is true for 4 year olds. But now the little Darlings are all around 7 / 8 years old and believe me nothing has changed. The kids that hit people over the head with a toy digger because “ they dont know how to make friends “ are still exactly the same. The only thing that has changed is that they are stronger and do more damage when the kick off and they mastered the art of lying to go with it. And our school is rather good in terms of supporting kids with behaviour problems.
So stick to your guns. Your child is not a doormat. And it is absolutely ludicrous to invite kids as a thank you because they are awful to your child.
But I would also implement that your child isn’t going to parties of those they do not get on with. Irrespective of how attractive the big trampoline or ninja course is. Nobody is everyone Darling. And this is just fine. Just give them the tools to navigate what is unfortunately just life.

This is totally fine. Just invite the 10 your child wants and don't invite the others. To be honest I doubt whether the children he doesn't get on with will even notice. You'll most likely end up with no more than 7 from the class, so MOST children WON'T have been. I presume the parties your child went to were fairly big too? I mean if one of the kids you aren't inviting only invited a couple of "best friends" to their birthday, that might be more difficult...

Don’t invite children your’s don’t want, BUT don’t accept invites to their parties, that’s hypocritical.

So you are one of the parents that blame Haribo for the behaviour of their kids instead of reflecting and actually start parenting instead of hoping they will find themselves and their gentle side somewhere. Most likely when they are bullying others and making other kids life hell. You honestly haven’t got a clue what you arw creating. I hope you just posted this for a reaction. Utterly ludicrous