To think parents can influence sibling relationships?

[Contraversialcatergory]

I have three children, one with significant additional needs and disabilities. My biggest hope for their future is that they will be kind and care for each other. Of course we / I (her dad and I don’t have perfect marriage) try to role model these traits, and encourage them to be kind and caring to others. It’s a fine line between this and making their sister with disabilities feel like a burden. I remind myself all siblings should look after each other and not just asking mine to because their sister needs extra help day to day.

AIBU to think parenting can influence adult/ teen relationships, or ultimately does personality and life experiences have the most influence?

Especially keen to hear from parents of older siblings as mine are all under 10.

Of course you want your children to care for and like each other, but just to clarify, you do mean emotionally care? You're not expecting them to physically take on a lifelong practical caring role?

As someone with a disabled sister, you don't make the children do anything beyond normal sibling duties. Ie: they babysit, but don't change pads. I was so grateful for my parents doing that. (I got pocket money for babysitting fyi, it was just an hour or so at a time)

Yes just emotionally care - will try to clarify that in original post x

Thanks for sharing that’s very helpful insight x

I don’t think you should expect your children to care for each other to a really high degree tbh. I think most siblings wouldn’t do that and you’re putting a huge burden on them, I can feel the pressure in your post. I suspect there’s already a lot to handle for your children particularly the child who is not disabled..

Just to clarify my original post I mean emotionally care / love / support each other, not physically/ financially/ logistically care for their sister.

I think parenting can play a part, but probably not the biggest part. Especially in a situation where one sibling has additional needs, I think you need to walk a very careful line there between “it’s kind to care for each other” and making your two other young children almost step up as carer’s for their sibling starting right from young age.

I have a friend who’s sister had significant additional needs and the way she was raised made her step away literally as soon as she was old enough and she is now very low contact with her parents & sibling. Her entire childhood was based around her siblings disabilities and right from being a child she was providing care for her sibling in some way & expected to continue, this was her parents “plan” really- she would be the carer when they couldn’t be. As adults she understands why they felt that way but that is HER choice to make and it isn’t one she wanted, having it almost forced on her and expected of her meant that as I say once she was old enough she left and rarely looks back, she has some contact with them now but really not much. My advice would be really trying to avoid that, as much as you can I’d try to form bonds that don’t revolve around care and the disability, make plans for the future (when it gets to that point obviously) for your child and even for now so that there is no expectation for siblings to become carer’s, let them just be able to form sibling bonds. A lot of those bonds are made independently of parents anyway but removing the potential for any resentment can only help.

Just let them be siblings, friends, have fun etc, no expectation of care, and those bonds will come more naturally.

@Mrsttcno1 has fantastic advice. Have you been signposted to young carers yet?

I think yes you can by doing things together as a family - spending time. Finding fun things they can do together. It's about building a relationship.

I've never been in your situation, I get that it must be worrying/ difficult if you have a child with significant needs. But you seem to be wanting something more than a good relationship. You seem to want them to develop a sense of duty towards their sibling. I'm not sure you can or should do that - it massively risks backfiring.

The key thing is to address the needs of all the children. The siblings without obvious additional needs do have a hidden additional need- they are young carers.

They need individual time with their parents and each other, time which isn’t impacted by the needs of their sister, as well as time with her having fun not being responsible.

It’s easy to overlook the needs of one child when another’s are so profound. And that’s unfair.

I grew up with a brother with challenging needs and I feel that me and my sister are super super close to each other as a result because my parents very clearly had a lot on their plates to deal with with my brother, so me and my sister were often left to get on with things and amuse ourselves (with zero expectation to help or be involved with brother) and as a result we spent hours and hours playing all kinds of imaginary games and activities together, and had a very close bond. I was thankful to have that “escape” and support from my sister because life at home was tough for us at times.

Thank you this is good advice and I would say we do a lot of this already. I don’t think we dedicate enough time to them just playing and bonding as life is so busy, but I am very aware not to give the others ‘caring’ jobs, that is something I am sensitive to. I was treated very unfairly and differently to my siblings and I never want my kids to feel like that. I just wonder if we need to focus more on creating time for bonding and memories as a 3 and as a family of 5. Rather than rushing about in the day to day so much. Is that the secret to stronger sibling bonds? Or is it personality? They do all play nicely at times at this young age and how can I keep that going?

No I don’t want them to have a sense of duty, that’s my job, but I want all three of them to care about each other and get on well as adults: I am just wondering how much parenting can influence that in any family

Ok - then yes I think you can. It must be difficult to find the time in your busy life. But I would say worth it. maybe look for low key easy activities. My two are super close and I sometimes wonder how much COVID played a part. They pretty much only had each other as friends at a fairly crucial point when they'd have otherwise widened social circles at age 10 and 12

I have adult children and I believe that yes, you can definitely model kind and caring behaviour as you are doing, but that ultimately, personality also influences how things turn out. Some people have a naturally more caring personality than others.
As parents you can however, definitely set the tone and create a caring atmosphere eg by being emotionally supportive, looking after pets, having empathy towards those who are suffering that you might see on TV etc, supporting charities ( if you can).
I am old fashioned and believe that siblings should have a sense of responsibility towards each other, particularly when one has disabilities and that this should be encouraged, but not to the extent that it takes over their lives. I suspect that mine won’t be a popular view.

My siblings and I talk about fond shared memories of childhood, but they are often little things rather than big experiences. So I don’t think it’s necessary to try to ‘create memories’, we remember mealtimes together, or a wet camping trip or fossil hunting on the beach etc.
I would say though, please don’t have any expectation that your children will live near each as adults. My family has spread out over Europe as adults, but we all care deeply for each other. I think that it is important that, as well as not having caring responsibilities, that your two able-bodied children feel they live their lives wherever they wish.
I have cousins in a similar position to your children, but they are adults. One of the siblings moved away after university, and the other felt a responsibility (by default, as the older one had left) and stayed. Not to be a carer, but just to live close by to their brother with additional needs. She resents it a lot, but feels like she has no choice.

My dps sister was born a perfectly 'normal' baby
She grew up,again,everything was fine
Until she got to 7 and she started to lose her sight
A long story short,she was diagnosed with battens disease and as time went on,became more and more brain damaged and died in 2000
She had a lot of needs,but my mil put both dc first (My fil wasn't around that much,he coped by going to work and getting pissed on his time off)
She spent time with both of them and dp swears he had an amazing childhood (mil carries a lot of guilt that she could have done better)
He wasn't never expected to look after her or deal with anything he didn't want to do
He says he would have been super close to her if she hadn't been so ill and the dementia took her away
His family members are super close so I think his relationship with her would have just been an extension of this

My own mother is a narcissist
She sent me off to be a carer for my darling grandad until he died,so I didn't spend that much time with my siblings
I was expected to look after them when I got older for free (I've had to work to buy food,sanpro,clothes,school uniform and books etc since I was 11 as she didn't see why she should have to pay for me) and I simply couldn't afford to
She even got her friends to have a go at me for charging her £3 to babysit (they didn't know the full story)
She threw me out as soon as the child benefit ran out and within hours,it was like I'd never lived in that house
Fast forward a few years and we all became adults
She kept us as far apart as she could and stirred the pot between us,which led to distrust and no bond at all between us-they are strangers to me
I went nc with the lot of them 16 years ago and one brother has been trying to get in touch all of a sudden,claiming he misses me
He can go away-i don't want to know,he's only doing it because he wants to report back to her-this is the same brother who has happily joined in with her smear campaign against me as he's shit scared of being pushed out like I was

So yes,parents can influence relationships between siblings and not always for the better

I'm a part of dps family now and I'm happy enough with that

My sister & I (4 year age gap) are very close now, to the extent that we go on holiday together, but weren’t at all as kids. I mainly viewed her as annoying.

Our parents insisted on courtesy but didn’t push us to get on, & the bond happened once I’d left for university, we’d both grown up a bit & we both had more space.

It's unreasonable to expect your children to go above and beyond normal sibling support. It is up to you to make appropriate arrangements for your disabled child's care when you are no longer able to undertake it yourself.

Yes, but they aren't the only influence - possibly the most significant, but you can still do everything right, and end up with children who are not close.

For me, growing up the biggest wedge that was put between me and my sibling was competition. It felt like were always compared and one person's achievement was always against the other. That was a recipe for siblings who were jealous, and not close at all.

I've met other families since that had a more "We succeed as a family, or we fail as a family" type attitude. Where each person was encouraged to celebrate the other's success because that success would then lift the whole family. That seems a more healthy attitude to me.

Also, a common observation that I've seen as I've grown up is that older brother - younger sister, dynamics seem to work much better than the other way around.

I've noticed a lot of older sisters who resent and dislike their "annoying" younger brothers. Whereas parents seem to do a much better job of coaching older brothers into being protective/caring of younger sisters.

(Huge generalization obviously, and I'm sure some people on here had awful older brothers, and were great older sisters...)

But I wonder if that, while it may be due to inherent sexist attitudes.. that boys should protect girls etc. it results in a strong bond, and one that we should foster regardless of the gender. Older siblings taking a responsibility in their younger siblings survival/success/safety etc.

Time to have fun together definitely helps, but life can be busy so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. My sister and I have an amazing relationship now, both in our twenties, but I definitely remember times when we were younger where we physically fought over dolls and the garden swing!😂 they will go through phases and then come back out the other side.

Their bond is largely nothing to do with you I’d say, I don’t feel like my parents particularly did anything specific to help. We went on holidays etc and had a lot of quality time as a family so maybe that?

Well, I’m coming at this as an adult with four siblings, none of whom are close, which I know saddens my parents. However, it’s a direct result of our upbringing — it was very poor, overcrowded, and with no individual attention at all. In essence they had far more children than they could afford, and because our parents both came from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, they had no idea more was required than basic food and clothes. We all got out as soon as we could and have become adults whose friends are our family, because actual family just brings up bad memories. That’s not to say we don’t love one another, but we don’t really have a relationship.

Just make sure that you have a lot of family fun together. That's the beast way to build a strong bond and good relationships.

I'm not keen on activity encouraging siblings emotionally supporting each other when young or as teenagers. It's something they should grow into naturally as they get older. A lot will depend on their own personality and aspirations.

I think there is a very fine line and you should be double careful that your own wishes and ideals are not becoming a burden on all DC.

I'm reading with interest as I've got a brother with additional needs (high functioning but needs daily support still) and my parents have always done all his support. Now that my dad's needs have increased in older age, my mum is struggling to manage and I can tell she's starting to look for reassurances that I'll take over my brother's support in the future. This has worried me most of my adult life and causes me so much anxiety as my relationship with him is not good due to how difficult his behaviour has been over the years. I have tried to signpost to things like social care assessment and said I might be able to do some things but I can't cope with the thought of having to take on running his life and managing all his emotional support. My mum isn't understanding about how difficult I find him as she says it's just sad as he has no one else (which I get).
We got on well as children but from teens onwards he's been so difficult on and off that I've struggled. I've always worried about coping with him when my parents are no longer around.