To think parents can influence sibling relationships?

[Contraversialcatergory]

I have three children, one with significant additional needs and disabilities. My biggest hope for their future is that they will be kind and care for each other. Of course we / I (her dad and I don’t have perfect marriage) try to role model these traits, and encourage them to be kind and caring to others. It’s a fine line between this and making their sister with disabilities feel like a burden. I remind myself all siblings should look after each other and not just asking mine to because their sister needs extra help day to day.

AIBU to think parenting can influence adult/ teen relationships, or ultimately does personality and life experiences have the most influence?

Especially keen to hear from parents of older siblings as mine are all under 10.

Parenting plays a huge part. We learn to care for ourselves and others by being cared for, and parents are the primary carers in our formative years.

Parents can foster healthy relationships between siblings by enforcing good treatment, being fair and not taking sides, helping them resolve arguments, and just by expecting respectful behaviour.

What parents can't do is make siblings agree or like each other! But if basic respect is there, they have a better chance.

You can influence but a lot of it is personality. I have almost nothing in common with my brother, we are very different people. We are always kind to each other but don't speak that often as we just have little to say to each other

Parenting has a huge huge impact on the relationships between siblings. Look at golden child scapegoat scenarios This was extreme in my childhood and siblings are all estranged from each other with only the 2 golden children very loosely in touch, neither of whom bothered attending the funeral of a scapegoat sibling even though only 30 minutes drive away. Don't underestimate the damage poor parenting can inflict on these relationships.

I was adamant parents could influence it, I was convinced they were the root cause of friction in fact. Until I had my 2. Chalk and cheese, my youngest has AuADHD and my eldest just doesn’t see him as disabled and is woefully impatient (otherwise an absolute dream child who is very kind natured usually) and my youngest pushes his buttons, constantly vying for his attention. To the extent I want to look at family counselling.

I blame myself for a lot of stuff, but not this. DH and I have a very happy marriage, very supportive, loving, don’t argue, disagreements we have had are resolved quickly. Essentially the polar opposite of my own upbringing.

Ive no doubt parents influence it, the can certainly cause divisions, but I don’t believe there is a silver bullet if siblings just don’t get on, and it’s EXTREMELY tiring trying to ensure everything is exactly fair so they do t resent the other, or you.

Exactly the same with my and my brother. We literally don’t see eachother for years and probably just once a year phone call. We’re very different people and have nothing in common. Never any arguments nor animosity, we are just too different to actually be “friends” as adults.

Not helped by being pushed together as children. Parents both worked so brother became a surrogate parent to look after me in school holidays etc - he was 6 years older. We were never at the same school at the same time. We never played/socialised with other friends as we lived a bit out of town so no neighbouring children. As brother got older, rather than hanging out and socialising with his own age group, he was still obliged to take me with him, etc., which really messed up his freedom. And I didn’t want to do the things he did. It wasn’t until I left school and got a job and independence that I pulled back and stopped doing things with him and started living my own life. He really was more of a parent to me than a sibling.

Because of parents work and business, we barely did anything as a family, just two British holidays throughout my children and a handful of family day trips. My main memories of childhood and teen years are following around a grumpy older brother!

My mother was dismayed in later years that we weren’t close siblings and always tried to force us together, sometimes tricking us to go to see her at the same time, etc. It just caused even bigger gap between us. She never saw that it was her and father who didn’t let us grow up independently, make our own friends, live our own lives, etc. They were both “onlies” and suffered loneliness so I think they tried to over compensate and had a weird outlook on what a childhood with siblings should look like!

I think parenting can have an enormous influence. My parents were emotionally not good parents, practically they could be very good but not emotionally and not enough to make up for their significant failings. They lack that warmth, picked favourites, played very unfair with that golden child scapegoat dynamic. I was the scapegoat so I was unceremoniously kicked out when the fact that my father’s golden child, my eldest brother, had abused me and my sister came out. My sister is still stuck in the heart of their family as my mother’s new golden child, a price I’d never pay.

Their behaviour nearly destroyed my mental health but I’ve recovered and I have parented my own children so differently it bears no resemblance. I have a child with AN and my other children adore him and feel protective of him but I don’t expect them to physically care for him.

My sister’s children were a walking nightmare behaviour wise growing up, I haven’t seen them in many years so it is possible that it has changed but doubtful, because she was following the family patterns of scapegoat golden child parenting.

My parents didn't do family fun. We did very little together except eat meals. I don't think my parents actually knew how to have fun. Both had come from low income households, not poverty but had grown up with the idea that fun was frivolous and wasteful even if only of time.

As parents they didn't encourage playing together or separately. Free time should be spent seriously either doing something academic (DF's preference) or performing household tasks (DM's preference).

Both my DBs and I perfected the art of being somewhere else. Which of course we did separately. Now, as adults in late middle age, we have very little to do with each other except for admin purposes (DM in a nursing home).

DH's family was very different, always up for fun.

Now, despite the sibling age gap being much wider, DH is close to his DBs.

I spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking of this. There are no close sibling relationships amongst my children’s parents and grandparents (and even great grandparents would have been been variable). All three are close now and play with each other (even teenage DS and 6 year old DD) and whilst I have no illusions thst they will be best friends for ever, I so hope they grow up to have a relationship that is more than tolerating each other than the family examples they’ve seen.

I think it's complex. I have two siblings and while not particularly close growing up we still got on and we were all brought up well and brought up in a loving secure home and did plenty of things together as a family.

It's only been in the past few years or so relationships have very much gone south. My eldest sibling has just become more unpleasant and awful as he's got older and isn't someone I want to be around. There's other factors too but I can't put it down to parenting as we are all well into our 30s.

It upsets my parents we don't get on but it is what it is.

We’ve got three boys and while they’ve had the odd falling out I’ve always insisted that home is a safe place with no teasing, and absolutely no physical fighting. Sure there’s banter, there’s arguments but there’s also boundaries. They’re now 16, 20 and 23 (all at home) and mostly get on well. A recent incident with the youngest really warmed my heart when the other 2 joined forces to support him. Boys 1 and 2 have autism.

when they were all younger if one of them got an award at school we all got rewarded - magazines and chocolate or a celebration cake. They were always playing for team family.

My brother and I have been helping each other out and continue to do so (e.g. he lived with me for free for 3 years whilst a student and now he's super successful has lent me money numerous times even for daughter's school fees; also with things like pet sitting and house moves we always help each other). We have a large age gap and were never close as kids but our parents have definitely encouraged us to support each other.

Agree with others, OP. I was the eldest of three and our middle sibling had disabilities. Never were we made to feel like a caretaker for them, and we treated them no differently to each other. When we grew and became teenagers, we naturally came to help out in terms of routine but our parents never made it feel like we had to. Our sibling was never a burden.

You might find that as your DC grow, OP, they'll be empathetic and caring either way - to each other, and others - simply because they have a sibling with disabilities.

On whether parenting can have an influence on sibling relationships in general. Yes, I think so for sure. We have two DC close in age and we make a habit of telling them that they're siblings, and they should always protect one another. Most days they fight like cats and dogs but I know we're doing an okay-ish job when one of them will introduce the other as "my sibling and best friend" to new people.

I work hard to instill the importance of family in my children.

I think you have some influence but also it's luck. There's nothing my parents could do to improve my relationship with my sibling, who was vile to me (and many other people) throughout our teens.

But I know someone with two children and one is obviously the scapegoat and the other the golden child. I absolutely see that affecting the relationship the children have with each other.

I also know someone who was sent to boarding school so the parents could focus on their disabled younger child, and raised him to become his sibling's carer when they've gone. That also did a lot of damage to him.

Love this xx

I know it’s not quite the same, but I have an experience that may be useful in some way. Apologies if it’s not relevant.

My sister is 10 years older than me and developed schizophrenia when I was about 11. My sister is/was a wonderful person, however the psychotic episodes had a devastating impact on my whole family and the struggles continue to this day. My mum is a single mum and our dad was completely out of the picture. When I was around 12 I was very keen to support my mum however I could with my sister, and I really tried to emotionally support her too. Initially, my mum kept boundaries and continued treating me as a child, however over time, the more burnt out she became, the more she needed my help and the more she seemed to forget that I was just a teenager. One straightforward example, I would be out with friends at 16 and I’d get frantic calls from my mum demanding that I come home because she needed help in managing her behaviour. It mostly damaged the relationship between myself and my mum more than anything. I felt resentment towards my sister too, but I could easily forgive and move on because I knew in reality it wasn’t her fault. It took quite a long time for my relationship with my mum to heal and when I went to uni I actually went 6 months without seeing her or speaking with her on the phone.

I distanced myself a lot between the ages of 18-23 and I wasn’t very supportive of my mum or my sister because I really needed space to just have my own life and not be responsible. A few years later and I’ve had to learn to let go and also accept that my sister will likely always need care from me (which tbh I realised this from about 15 but I found it very daunting). It helped that we had such a good relationship before she became sick. I will always be there for her, even when she’s at her worst.

I think asking your children to support with ‘help’ is one thing, it’s another thing when you become dependent on their help to function. You can wish for them to be kind and caring, but that can’t be equated to asking them to do anything which could result in them missing out on elements of their own childhood.

I can only imagine it’s such a tricky situation to be in as a parent. Ultimately, I just think you have to be careful while they’re growing up- they may be less willing to help or take responsibility if too many expectations are put on them before they reach adulthood.

Siblings are just people. Some of them will get on fantastically well; others won't. Either is fine because, ultimately it is all very random and depends on individual personalities. I don't think you could or should force it simply because they're related (& that is regardless of whether one child has additional needs).

I love what you said about home being a safe place and celebrating successes of team family.

I'd love to hear more details about how you enforced boundaries without making siblings resent each other if you don't mind sharing?

Op, I totally get your worry. I also want my kids to be close because I think close sibling relationships can be such a massive source of support in people's lives. My brother and me used to be super close as kids. We didn't play or do a lot of things together but I adored him and looked up to him and he was always kind to me and protective. We then drifted apart as adult life became too busy. We are very different and I pretty much disagree with most things he now says, believes or does but I have also always known yhat if I ever needed support he'd have my back and that has been a big source of reassurance and support for me. Now that my parents are ill we are spending more time together again trying to figure out their care.

I don't know what my parents did to foster a close bond. I think, rather than doing anything actively to foster thr bond it's just that they didn't do anything to break it. They never compared us, never played us off against each other, always made time for both of us. Well when I say 'they' I mean mostly my mum. My dad was quite noticably much less harsh on me than my brother but somehow my brother never resented me or even my dad for it. Maybe a lot of it is just personality.

My dad was quite noticably much less harsh on me than my brother but somehow my brother never resented me or even my dad for it. Maybe a lot of it is just personality.

It's my experience as well. My parents have always been much softer on my younger brother than on me and I'm definitely the screw up compared to him, but I can honestly say I've never resented it and am super proud of all his achievements! I always tell people about my super smart and successful younger brother. He's an awesome person.

You sound exactly like my brother. He always tells people how smart I am. I'm wondering if you actually are my brother but have just reversed the sexes for anonymity reasons. 😁

Anyway, I hope your brother appreciates and loves you for it as much as I do!!!

Awww that's so sweet! I'm not your brother but definitely feel the same ☺️

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience. I am grateful we went on to have another baby who is now a lovely friend to both her older sisters

Yes, parenting absolutely plays a role the environment, modeled behavior, and values taught early can shape sibling bonds. But personality and life experiences also evolve those relationships over time.

I am the mother of adult DC’s as are most of my friends.
One of the things I was certain about when I had a baby was that I could ‘shape’ their personality by their upbringing.
Oh how I laugh about that now; I’ve noticed with my DC’s and my friend’s DC’s that it has relatively little effect. Obviously I am not talking about children that have suffered any abuse. But for example whether you are fairly strict or quite laidback won’t make much difference.

You can model your values, express (in words and actions) your own sibling and family relationships. Of course this will have an influence on your dc's long-term values and world view. However as they grow older, other external influences will also impact. Please also allow these for your dc. They are family and they are also individuals.

From age 10 I had 2 very close friends. One (A) had a disabled younger sibling, the other (B) was an only child. The three of us spent so much time at the home of the only child. We all benefited. A enjoyed experiences and outings that weren't possible in her own family; B enjoyed sisterly relationships and near on constant companionship. For me, I felt listened to (by B's parents and by A and B) and valued for my own self and opinions, whereas in my birth family I was expected to fall in line with everyone else.

I felt as though my family disapproved of me for being different. As a consequence, throughout my later teens, 20s and 30s , I had a cordial but not close relationship with siblings. This only changed in later life as I became more confident in my own opinions and siblings fortunately became a little more accepting.

In our 50s as our parents faced health challenges and eventually died, those core family values were increasingly important and I'd say there is now genuine care and affection between siblings.