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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want parents to know my address?

36 replies

summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 12:22

I have just moved house which is closer to all my immediate family because of work.

My parents keep asking to come over but I don’t want them knowing my address.

My dad told me “We will ask you first before we give your address out to family members who ask and may want to visit”.

I don’t talk to one of my siblings due and I definitely do not want this sibling coming to my house at any given time and I think it’s a possibility considering my dad has a habit of talking everyone’s business.

I have young children and this particular sibling is quite nasty to his own kids hence one of the reasons I have cut my ties (was also very verbally abusive to me as a kid)

I do want my kids to see their grandparents but just not at my house as I like my privacy and I am now at a point where I am happy and at peace in my life and don’t want family just popping up unexpectedly.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 14/05/2025 12:27

Sounds like you feel the need to keep your family at arm's length for your own safety and sanity, so I think you're making the right decision. I can relate, so well done for being pragmatic and sensible about this

Dreichweather · 14/05/2025 12:29

I would say it would be lovely to see you. Let go to the park/lovely cafe/NT place. Shall we say Sunday at 12?

Just deflect and offer an alternative.

AlastheDaffodils · 14/05/2025 12:31

Unless your parents are really toxic and you are deliberately going very low contact with them this is really weird. I would be massively upset if I had an adult child who literally would not tell me their address.

Eenameenadeeka · 14/05/2025 12:32

It is unusual, but if that's what makes you feel comfortable then I'd just suggest a place to meet up instead.

Swiftie1878 · 14/05/2025 12:36

It’s a bit weird to not want your parents (who you have a good relationship with) to know where you live.
It sounds like you could do with a serious sit-down chat with them about your strong feelings of privacy and distance from your sibling, and the necessity that they do not know where to find you. If they take this on board, you may then feel able to have your parents to your home. If they still don’t seem to get it, they will at least understand why you don’t want them to know, and hopefully they’ll accept your decision with no more nagging.

Original poster
summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 12:37

I would say back in my younger years they were toxic and were/are pretty awful parents.

They seemed to or calmed down but I would rather meet them at arms length.

Never helped me in life, allowed my sibling to verbally abuse me.

They have a habit of just turning up people’s houses, and for my own sanity I don’t want them knowing my address to avoid potential issues.

My OH is keen for the kids to see their grandparents and dosent want the kids to feel as if their missing out.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 14/05/2025 12:38

I mean, it's quite unusual for your parents not to know where you live! How long have you been NC with your sibling? Do you really believe that he would come to your house and harass you if he knew where you lived? If so, I would explain that to your parents if you have a good relationship with them. If you truly believe they would tell your sibling where you are, then I don't think you're being unreasonable.

bigboykitty · 14/05/2025 12:44

It sounds like you have every reason to hold this boundary with your parents, @summerpetunia . I agree with the suggestion that you swerve the conversation about your address, but I would also prepare a 2 line statement about your decision in case they really push it, which sounds likely that they would. Something like 'we won't be sharing our new address with you but will be happy to meet up at yours/on neutral ground '. No explaining, no justifying. Very clear. Do you need to talk to schools about privacy in case they try to play detective?

MyHazelLurker · 14/05/2025 12:44

Complete over reaction and quote frankly I hope they all cut you out

Imagine your kid turning round and saying you won't let them tell you where they live

EuclidianGeometryFan · 14/05/2025 12:49

MyHazelLurker · 14/05/2025 12:44

Complete over reaction and quote frankly I hope they all cut you out

Imagine your kid turning round and saying you won't let them tell you where they live

I can see that you have no experience of, or understanding of, toxic families and the need for low or no contact.

OP - it is perfectly reasonable to not tell your parents your address. However, as MyHazelLurker says, there will be an issue as your children grow up as they may tell your grandparents, or may not understand the need for secrecy.

Your best bet is to change jobs again, so that you can move further away - at least three hours travel so that visits have to be arranged in advance.

MyHazelLurker · 14/05/2025 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maddy70 · 14/05/2025 12:55

Super weird not telling your parents where you live especially as you've moved near to them

pimplebum · 14/05/2025 12:58

We are not giving out our address
we are not having visitors to our home
we are keeping our address private
we don’t want visitors
we are not in a position to host any visitors
we do not have the capacity to host
we want to meet you outside of home
we look forward to seeing you at the pub
we enjoy seeing you out and about

we prefer it that way
it’s what we prefer
we don’t want to get into a discussion about it
it’s just what we have agreed to do
wed like you to be understanding of the arrangement

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2025 12:59

It’s a bit odd but it’s your boundary, which is fine, you have your reasons. However be prepared for them to have boundaries too and they may not be accepting of yours. Going very LC would be easier , if they are toxic why would you want them near your kids…?

thepariscrimefiles · 14/05/2025 12:59

summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 12:37

I would say back in my younger years they were toxic and were/are pretty awful parents.

They seemed to or calmed down but I would rather meet them at arms length.

Never helped me in life, allowed my sibling to verbally abuse me.

They have a habit of just turning up people’s houses, and for my own sanity I don’t want them knowing my address to avoid potential issues.

My OH is keen for the kids to see their grandparents and dosent want the kids to feel as if their missing out.

Well those are all valid reasons for not giving them your address.

Will your children benefit from a relationship with your parents? Your OH doesn't want your kids to miss out on a relationship with their grandparents but if they are toxic grandparents and treat them like they treated you during your childhood, I wouldn't see any value in letting them see your parents.

Cavello · 14/05/2025 13:03

Imagine being as clueless as @MyHazelLurker who can't even understand that some families are awful and for your own well-being you have to physically keep your distance. Toxic people bulldoze over boundaries, particularly if they don't agree with them.

Don't give your address to them @summerpetunia if they can't respect your boundaries. You won't be able to relax in your own home. I come from a toxic family and ended up moving away, going NC and not giving out my address to anyone known to my family. They still managed to find out my address and now send me letters, fortunately they haven't turned up at the door, but it's just a matter of time.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/05/2025 13:08

MyHazelLurker · 14/05/2025 12:44

Complete over reaction and quote frankly I hope they all cut you out

Imagine your kid turning round and saying you won't let them tell you where they live

Imagine having had an awful childhood with toxic parents and abusive siblings and not wanting this toxicity to affect your own children.

I would imagine that it would be a relief to OP if they all cut her out.

godmum56 · 14/05/2025 13:14

Does your OH understand and (sorry) believe your reasons?

Katypp · 14/05/2025 13:14

This is all completely ridiculous.
To be honest, I think amongst all the pseudo-psychologist phrases and the modern obsession with 'boundaries (although only your own of course - other people's are unreasonable and rude) we have completely lost sight of what should be considered normal behaviour. Refusing to give your parents your address is categorically NOT normal behaviour.
I have read a fair few ridiculous posts on MN, and this is right up there among them.
I am standing by for posters to tell me they were beaten and locked up in the cellar by their parents, but the vast, vast majority of posters who are for ever banging on about 'toxic' parents and 'trauma' have suffered nothing worse than being brought up by the norms of the time.
We need a complete reset, we really do.

Cynic17 · 14/05/2025 13:14

Perfectly reasonable. You should only give your address out if you're happy for those people to have it.

Growlybear83 · 14/05/2025 13:16

AlastheDaffodils · 14/05/2025 12:31

Unless your parents are really toxic and you are deliberately going very low contact with them this is really weird. I would be massively upset if I had an adult child who literally would not tell me their address.

I agree completely. Unless there's something very significant that you're not saying, I think it's incredibly offensive not to tell your parents where you live.

nopineapplepizza · 14/05/2025 13:16

We went through a period where our ILs would just “drop by”, and having driven several hours to get here, (yet given us no notice) they would then end up staying all day.

It got really difficult if we had plans/were ill/had a chilled weekend/had work or homework or chores to get done etc and they would just show up and make out that we were the difficult ones if we didn’t entertain them all day with continuous food and cups of tea and conversation, whilst they sat there inn the way.

Covid was an absolute blessing, especially as they were stuck abroad for a chunk of it, we realised then how relaxed we were knowing they couldn’t just “pop by” or cause an argument because we dared to be out of the house, living our lives when they did.

My situation only got resolved when my DH sadly died and they caused an almighty row over money (which wasn’t theirs), the funeral (which wasn’t religious as they wanted, but my DH didn’t) and various other things. I banned them from the house and it’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for my MH, and that of my DC; my kids have never seen adults argue since.

I honestly think if my DH was still alive, we may have moved and not given our address; it’s like a black cloud permanently overhead, threatening to ruin your day knowing that they couldn’t arrive at any time.

Lottapianos · 14/05/2025 13:25

'Refusing to give your parents your address is categorically NOT normal behaviour.'

No it's not normal, but she has given us plenty of information about how she is not dealing with a 'normal' situation with her family

Original poster
summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 13:25

Yes it would be a relief if they did cut me out to be honest.

My mum is awful to be honest, always picking issues with my weight.
Telling me what to do.
Both parents ask how much money we have in the bank etc.
Have never been there for me or helped me in life.
I used to get sworn at a lot and hit.

They both are pretty awful actually and my sibling has inherited all the nasty traits of them unfortunately and it took me years to get to a good place mentally.

We are stuck living here until at least end of summer unfortunately for work.

My partner does believe me but he doesn’t really understand as he came from a loving family and thinks the kids have a right to know their family.

I would never leave my kids alone with anyone in my family and it is either meet in a park/pub etc or not at all as I am not compromising my sanity.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 14/05/2025 13:28

'They both are pretty awful actually and my sibling has inherited all the nasty traits of them unfortunately and it took me years to get to a good place mentally.'

OP, I think other posters have made good points about asking yourself whether you actually want to expose your children to these people. If they have been awful to you, and messed with your head very badly, is it wise to allow your children to have contact with them?