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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want parents to know my address?

36 replies

summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 12:22

I have just moved house which is closer to all my immediate family because of work.

My parents keep asking to come over but I don’t want them knowing my address.

My dad told me “We will ask you first before we give your address out to family members who ask and may want to visit”.

I don’t talk to one of my siblings due and I definitely do not want this sibling coming to my house at any given time and I think it’s a possibility considering my dad has a habit of talking everyone’s business.

I have young children and this particular sibling is quite nasty to his own kids hence one of the reasons I have cut my ties (was also very verbally abusive to me as a kid)

I do want my kids to see their grandparents but just not at my house as I like my privacy and I am now at a point where I am happy and at peace in my life and don’t want family just popping up unexpectedly.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 14/05/2025 13:35

Your instincts sound spot on to me. In my view, your job in life is to protect your children, provide positive role models and promote their wellbeing and, secondary only to that, your own. It doesn’t sound like your parents have contributed much that is positive or good to your life and they continue to sound quite toxic. Why then should a rational person think that it is in your children’s best interests to be in their company?

Maybe buy a book about toxic family for your partner. There’s one often recommended on here but I can’t remember the title.

godmum56 · 14/05/2025 14:41

summerpetunia · 14/05/2025 13:25

Yes it would be a relief if they did cut me out to be honest.

My mum is awful to be honest, always picking issues with my weight.
Telling me what to do.
Both parents ask how much money we have in the bank etc.
Have never been there for me or helped me in life.
I used to get sworn at a lot and hit.

They both are pretty awful actually and my sibling has inherited all the nasty traits of them unfortunately and it took me years to get to a good place mentally.

We are stuck living here until at least end of summer unfortunately for work.

My partner does believe me but he doesn’t really understand as he came from a loving family and thinks the kids have a right to know their family.

I would never leave my kids alone with anyone in my family and it is either meet in a park/pub etc or not at all as I am not compromising my sanity.

I think so far as your oh goes I have two things which you might like to say to him. One is that a child's right to a safe happy childhood trumps any right for them to "know their family" and that on this occasion, over this situation, he is going to have to trust you. And if he can't do that then thats a serious problem.

Viviennemary · 14/05/2025 14:47

I think it's a bit odd. You might as well go no contact with them. If that's how you feel. If somebody took this attitude with me I just wouldn't bother with them.

S0j0urn4r · 14/05/2025 14:57

Your partner needs to listen properly to you and understand you are protecting your children from your abusive family.
You're right to keep your address to yourself.

purplecorkheart · 14/05/2025 15:01

Honestly from what you say I can understand why you only want to meet them in public places.

I am at a bit of a loss why your dh is anxious for his children to have a relationship with these people.

One thing I would suggest is meeting them in a very busy spot so they can not follow you home. They sound like they do not respect boundaries.

PinkyFlamingo · 14/05/2025 15:27

Why on earth do you want to meet them at all? You don't need to wait for them not to talk to you you can cut contact. And I wouldn't be letting them anywhere near my children!

zenai · 14/05/2025 16:21

Do your best to keep your distance and your privacy. That is your right.

I do think they will find out somehow though, so brace yourself for that.

Itiswhysofew · 14/05/2025 16:28

YANBU. Your parents have treated you badly and you're keen to avoid your DC experiencing anything similar.

I think you're right to withhold your address. DH will just have to trust you on this and do as you ask. Not all families are good for you.

DelboytrottersDnecklace · 14/05/2025 16:56

Cavello · 14/05/2025 13:03

Imagine being as clueless as @MyHazelLurker who can't even understand that some families are awful and for your own well-being you have to physically keep your distance. Toxic people bulldoze over boundaries, particularly if they don't agree with them.

Don't give your address to them @summerpetunia if they can't respect your boundaries. You won't be able to relax in your own home. I come from a toxic family and ended up moving away, going NC and not giving out my address to anyone known to my family. They still managed to find out my address and now send me letters, fortunately they haven't turned up at the door, but it's just a matter of time.

Ditto
I moved away and they found out my phone number and address
They make a point of sending me Google images (that they've screenshotted but they try to make out as if theyve taken it as they drove past) and I get loads of withheld phone calls (which I've blocked)
It's only a matter of time before they show up on my doorstep-but dp has promised to shut the door in their faces if they do
Toxic familes are crap to deal with

helpfulperson · 14/05/2025 17:00

I think if you feel you have valid reasons for them not having your address then you should just go no contact. Saying we'd love to see you but wont tell you where we live is really odd.

Clownsy · 14/05/2025 17:03

Stop contact with these awful people.
Block their numbers.
Do not give them your address ever.

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