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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the problem?

30 replies

hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:03

My partner and I broke up in January because I found out he cheated while I was pregnant. I foolishly stayed and tried to make it work but it was making me miserable. I no longer trusted him I started to become insecure etc. When I decided to leave he moved back home with family 40 minutes away.

I have no issue with him seeing our son. I’ve offered to meet at a public place so he can get our baby and spend time with him. I no longer want him in my home. He is not ok with that he wants to come and go as he pleases. He has threatened to kick in my door and told me he would break my car windows. I’ve been called bitter & told I’m keeping him from his child.

Im trying to find the best solution for us all. He’s an adult he can get our son whenever he likes, but he just can not come back inside my home.

OP posts:
Dreichweather · 14/05/2025 07:04

Nope he is.

You need advice from and domestic abuse charity and the police.

GuevarasBeret · 14/05/2025 07:06

No, he is the problem. Kicking off when he control and bully you any more.

Keep doing as you are, you know it isn’t about your son. It is all about feeling power over you. He’s a cunt.

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 14/05/2025 07:06

You should report his threats to the police op. You are NOT the problem.

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/05/2025 07:09

No, he's the problem OP. This is a perfectly reasonable boundary for you to have. If he's making threats like this then involve the police for your safety. Also get a video doorbell to record any interactions or movement at the door.

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:10

Dreichweather · 14/05/2025 07:04

Nope he is.

You need advice from and domestic abuse charity and the police.

i have told him I will call the police on him. His response to me was he has money to get out. He won’t accept anything suggestions. As long as is son his here he will see him when he wants(his words).

OP posts:
ChompinCrocodiles · 14/05/2025 07:13

He has threatened to kick in my door and told me he would break my car windows

You need to report this to the police every single time it happens. Every threat that makes you feel unsafe, any incident. There's likely to be a time you want to refer back to it.

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:14

SparklyGlitterballs · 14/05/2025 07:09

No, he's the problem OP. This is a perfectly reasonable boundary for you to have. If he's making threats like this then involve the police for your safety. Also get a video doorbell to record any interactions or movement at the door.

I do have a doorbell camera thankfully on all doors.

OP posts:
Dreichweather · 14/05/2025 07:15

hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:10

i have told him I will call the police on him. His response to me was he has money to get out. He won’t accept anything suggestions. As long as is son his here he will see him when he wants(his words).

Show quote history

Don’t discuss anything with him other than facts about your child. Other people will give proper advice and how to do this.

Don’t threaten the police just call them. He isn’t a nice man and for the sake of your son you need to get the police involved.

Eccythumpy · 14/05/2025 07:16

Can you move house and not give him the new address ?

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:16

ChompinCrocodiles · 14/05/2025 07:13

He has threatened to kick in my door and told me he would break my car windows

You need to report this to the police every single time it happens. Every threat that makes you feel unsafe, any incident. There's likely to be a time you want to refer back to it.

Since January I’ve been keeping notes, saving messages and recording phone calls. I’m trying to be reasonable here but he won’t be.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 14/05/2025 07:21

Sorry OP you might need to go to court to get a CAO in place. This can dictate all sorts of details about access etc.

It will be useful for this if you document everything threat and report to the police and get some advice from a DV org.

But go see a solicitor

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:21

Eccythumpy · 14/05/2025 07:16

Can you move house and not give him the new address ?

Yes, I’ve been looking at places and my family has been coming by as much as possible so it does not look like we’re always alone.

OP posts:
Eccythumpy · 14/05/2025 07:22

hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:16

Since January I’ve been keeping notes, saving messages and recording phone calls. I’m trying to be reasonable here but he won’t be.

Show quote history

Stop trying to be reasonable, he soynds dangerous.

RedToothBrush · 14/05/2025 07:25

Report to the police what's going on so far and seek a harassment order.

Refuse to see him and say he needs to go to court at this point.

Involve the police when he turns up unannounced every time.

You should not tolerate him just turning up. It's not in your son's interests. He's being abusive and acting unlawfully with the threats.

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:33

RedToothBrush · 14/05/2025 07:25

Report to the police what's going on so far and seek a harassment order.

Refuse to see him and say he needs to go to court at this point.

Involve the police when he turns up unannounced every time.

You should not tolerate him just turning up. It's not in your son's interests. He's being abusive and acting unlawfully with the threats.

At this point I have to call the police. I’ve also told him if he feels like I’m keeping our son away from him he could take me to court and he laughed in my face. He knows what he’s doing and he know it’s hurting me.

OP posts:
Jazz7 · 14/05/2025 07:33

Threats of violence ie breaking car windows to me means it’s time to get a restraining order and he should only have supervised access to your child. Talk to women’s aid or a solicitor if you can afford one. This is only going to get worse

iamaMused · 14/05/2025 07:39

This is awful for you hilaryy, my friend had similar issues with her ex, although she was very reluctant she contacted the police and it did take them a few times to visit her (they were delayed following other incidents) they were fantastic and sorted out her problems immediately, her ex sounded very much like yours, he was a little man with a huge ego, enjoying her discomfort. The police who visited her were patient and kind, it was a lady and a man, they ensured it was the lady who visited him and lead the investigation she was amazing, showing him the evidence my friend had stored apparently he was whimpering, “but you should see what she said to me, she made me so mad I had to sort her” she has had peace since. I hope you receive the same response (shout out to Cheshire police)

Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:45

iamaMused · 14/05/2025 07:39

This is awful for you hilaryy, my friend had similar issues with her ex, although she was very reluctant she contacted the police and it did take them a few times to visit her (they were delayed following other incidents) they were fantastic and sorted out her problems immediately, her ex sounded very much like yours, he was a little man with a huge ego, enjoying her discomfort. The police who visited her were patient and kind, it was a lady and a man, they ensured it was the lady who visited him and lead the investigation she was amazing, showing him the evidence my friend had stored apparently he was whimpering, “but you should see what she said to me, she made me so mad I had to sort her” she has had peace since. I hope you receive the same response (shout out to Cheshire police)

its the worst and it makes me so sad for our son because I’m really trying. What I just read is how I feel it will go. He will blame me per usual and there’s literally nothing I can do to make him see how this is so wrong. Just last week I threatened to call the police on him for coming by unannounced. Then being told if I let the police lock him up it shows how much I care about him and our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:54

I’m just ranting here because I have no one to talk to. But I’m so fucking pissed I’ve always went above for him even when I shouldn’t have. I’ve been blamed for his cheating. I’ve been called a bitter mother. That I’m apart of the problem in women not letting men see their kids. I have jumped through hoops for this man. I wanted a family. I wanted to be happy. I just could not let go of what he did. He’s upset that I’m still upset about him cheating. There’s no getting through to him. Because I need to see it from his perspective and to let the past go. I’m so sorry for this message I’m just feeling really down right now and I needed to get it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:58

Everything I say gets twisted and re worded into something I didn’t say. Since leaving in January I haven’t had peace. I feel like Im losing my mind.

OP posts:
Secretsquirels · 14/05/2025 08:05

You aren’t losing your mind. He is unreasonable and he’s doing it because it gets a reaction from you. This isn’t a safe man for you to be around, and isn’t a safe man to have your child around.

Starting from today don’t reply to anything which he says to you in any form unless it’s a request to see your child. If he requests to see the child reply one message with a couple of options for contact. These options should be outside your house and handover done by someone who isn’t you.

Call the police today, be honest about what is happening, and ask them to help you.

I know you’re worried because it’s your child’s dad but it is really important that your child grows up seeing strong boundaries with a man like this.

SALaw · 14/05/2025 08:06

@hilaryyWhat do you mean “he has money to get out”? As in bail money? If you’re in the U.K. then paying bail to be released isn’t a thing? Not to say people don’t get bail but the money part is irrelevant.

RedToothBrush · 14/05/2025 08:13

hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:58

Everything I say gets twisted and re worded into something I didn’t say. Since leaving in January I haven’t had peace. I feel like Im losing my mind.

That's abuse.

Talk to a domestic abuse charity.

Document every incident no matter how small.

He will say things like 'if you don't do this I will...' That's coercive.

He will say 'if you do this, it's pointless because I can do this...' to try and demonstrate he has more power and you are powerless.
That's controlling.

Don't tell him you are documenting it though. Do not engage with him. Just repeat he needs to speak to a solicitor and that's it.

Speak to the police.

This is very much a go straight to jail do not collect £200 situation.

Babyghirl · 14/05/2025 08:14

@hilaryy it's time to get a solicitor and courts involved, screen shot any texts he sends you incase he deletes them, I have a friend who as recently involved a solicitor and the solicitor told her to stop contact Altogether until he decides to take it to court. Contact has been stopped now for 3+ months and she is alot better for it.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2025 08:18

Block him, don’t let him see the child - he can take you to court if he wants to.

call the police if he turns up. If you’ve enough money get a non molestation order.