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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the problem?

30 replies

hilaryy · 14/05/2025 07:03

My partner and I broke up in January because I found out he cheated while I was pregnant. I foolishly stayed and tried to make it work but it was making me miserable. I no longer trusted him I started to become insecure etc. When I decided to leave he moved back home with family 40 minutes away.

I have no issue with him seeing our son. I’ve offered to meet at a public place so he can get our baby and spend time with him. I no longer want him in my home. He is not ok with that he wants to come and go as he pleases. He has threatened to kick in my door and told me he would break my car windows. I’ve been called bitter & told I’m keeping him from his child.

Im trying to find the best solution for us all. He’s an adult he can get our son whenever he likes, but he just can not come back inside my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 08:23

Secretsquirels · 14/05/2025 08:05

You aren’t losing your mind. He is unreasonable and he’s doing it because it gets a reaction from you. This isn’t a safe man for you to be around, and isn’t a safe man to have your child around.

Starting from today don’t reply to anything which he says to you in any form unless it’s a request to see your child. If he requests to see the child reply one message with a couple of options for contact. These options should be outside your house and handover done by someone who isn’t you.

Call the police today, be honest about what is happening, and ask them to help you.

I know you’re worried because it’s your child’s dad but it is really important that your child grows up seeing strong boundaries with a man like this.

will spend today gathering numbers of all the people he can contact to see our son. This will be my last attempt at being reasonable. If it doesn’t work for him he’s more than welcome to take me to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
hilaryy · 14/05/2025 08:26

SALaw · 14/05/2025 08:06

@hilaryyWhat do you mean “he has money to get out”? As in bail money? If you’re in the U.K. then paying bail to be released isn’t a thing? Not to say people don’t get bail but the money part is irrelevant.

Yes bail money smh

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 14/05/2025 08:45

He can have all the bail money he wants but if he’s been arrested for DV and threatening you like this he won’t have any right to the free access he feels he’s owed.

He has no right to your home and until he can prove he is a safe place for your son should have no right to him either. Take everything you have to the police and tell them you’re afraid for your safety and that of your son.

No one is allowed to come and go into your home as they please, but especially not a volatile ex partner. He is using this as a way to control and hurt you. It doesn’t seem to be about your son at all. Please protect this child.

petiteoeuf · 14/05/2025 08:57

OP, gently, you keep talking about being reasonable, but at this point the truly reasonable option is police, DV advice, solicitor if you can, and absolutely stopping engaging with him in the way he is coercing you to. It isn’t reasonable to continue to try and placate him. It’s a fear response and completely understandable, but it isn’t reasonable. Reasonable now is looking out for yourself and your DC and stopping this awful prick from controlling every aspect of your life and emotions.

Endofyear · 14/05/2025 09:07

If he's made threats against you, inform the police. Don't communicate with him any further, let him take it to court if he wants access to your child. If he turns up at your house don't answer the door. If he turns nasty, call 999. You need to show him you mean business and won't allow him to control you.

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