To think it’s not realistic for me to have a relationship for a very long time?

[cadburyegg]

My kids are 10 and 7 and spend EOW at their dad’s, more in the holidays. My mum will babysit in the evening if I ask.

I see on social media (!) lots of single mums who have found love again but I just don’t see how it’s realistic for me to date. This past weekend the kids were at their dads and I’ve spent the weekend catching up on housework and laundry and seeing friends. Their dad will have them a couple of extra days over the next half term including the bank holiday and I’ll spend the time again catching up with house stuff plus I also need to continue decorating. When do people have time when all of the house stuff falls to them?

In a few years my kids may not want to go to their dad’s EOW anymore as they get into their teens plus he doesn’t have separate beds for them yet anyway. Realistically I can’t leave them in the evening for years yet. I don’t want a blended family, don’t want my kids having to share their home with an unrelated adult, don’t want more kids. One of my friends had divorced parents and he hated having a step dad. Felt he couldn’t relax in his home. I just don’t see how it’s possible for me to continue putting my kids first into adulthood and have a long term relationship. Let’s be realistic it’s unlikely they will both move out at 18.

I’d love to hear from people maybe who have older kids how they have managed it.

Don't waste your freetime cleaning,do it when you have the kids and get the to help

If you wanted a relationship, could you not have it on your terms - just someone you go out for dinner with, maybe an evening out if you could get a babysitter, the odd weekend away when the kids are at dad's?

I don’t have a solution, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I feel exactly the same about not wanting a blended family, or bringing a strange man into the children’s home. I’ve accepted that I’ll be alone until I’m nearly 60, at which point I’ll probably be too old to find someone. And I’m ok with that, my children are everything to me and will always come first.

With your kids being 10 and 7, you can do the laundry and housework when they are home and then have the off weekends they see Dad as some time to yourself, whether you want to date or just have a hobby or something- take care of yourself too! I know my friend who is a a single Mum feels that she doesn't want to date for similar reasons to you.. you deserve to be happy too so don't put yourself last.

Sometimes trying to date at this busy stage of your life can be more trouble than its worth.
I just kind of forgot about trying to meet someone, l had my friends and my sisters and that was enough for me. I focused on my children and home ,garden and pets and l never once regretted anything.
Now my children are older, l met someone really nice very unexpectedly.
We both have our own houses in nearby villages, we walk, cycle and go away all over together, l still have my own routines, so do my older teenagers who still live at home, and my partner still has his. We don't want to live together, there is simply no need. We enjoy each others company, we enjoy being by ourselves.
Looking back I'm so glad l didn't waste time trying to find someone. I also didn't want to blend families of get stuck looking after other people's kids.
You can meet someone special at any time of your life , not just when you are young.
Focus more on what you have, rather than what you don't have. A relationship does not guarantee happiness.

I think that's plenty of time to date if you want to! In the early days a lot of people only meet up once a week so you could surely get your housework done say Saturday and/or Sunday daytime leaving Saturday evening free for dates then maybe ask your mum for one night on the alternate weeks? You are very lucky to have family support in that way but it's personal choice if you would be happy to take things slowly.

In terms of having another adult in your home, that would be a decision for down the line but again I do think the right person can be great for children and help to model a positive adult relationship so there is no need to assume this would always be a bad thing for your children.
My child has benefitted enormously from having a loving and supportive step parent (and a less stressed/busy and happier mum)!

You have plenty of time should you wish. I had no-one to mind the kids and their dad was overseas. My nearest family were 250 miles away. By the time they were old enough to stay home alone, Covid came. I started dating an ex colleague 15yrs after I split with their dad, and it’s kind of on / off. Suits me as my DD is still 17 and lives at home and he is a single dad. I don’t regret devoting those years to my children, but if I had EOW and a parent who could babysat, I might have felt differently.

100% agree, you’re not alone. I was exactly the same, just focused on daughter, home, friends, and pets. I did manage to have a couple of largely unfulfilling “friends with benefits” type relationships a good few years back (conducted when daughter was with her dad/ on holiday with him) just to provide an escape really. Nobody has ever stayed over at my house and I never introduced my daughter to anyone. Now I’m 60 daughter has gone off to uni and I’m just too tired to bother as I’m still working and exhausted, not to mention the perpetual lack of money. At this point in life I’m eternally grateful I had a wild time before meeting my daughter’s dad! If I met someone now it would be a complete surprise, I don’t know if I’d want to or if I even have the energy or commitment these days. I’m totally fine with it and like you said, my daughter always comes first. X

There's no rush to find someone. My later mother was widowed at 45 and never had another man. She brought up both my sister and myself and she said the same thing she didn't want a man coming into her home and turning things upside .
Looking back at it I to wish she had a friend she could have gone on holiday with or do social things with.
She always said her children were enough but I don't think it was as she reached the end of her life.
Have a special friend but he has his place and you have yours. Being on your own isn't always that great

I met my second husband 24 years ago. My children were 7 and 9. They saw their dad EOW. I had no intention of getting married again. He was a widower ( widowed at 38) no children. I specified no children ( joined a dating agency. . No online stuff then). He is a lovely man and they quickly came to regard him as 'sensible dad' ( particularly during the A level and University years). They loved their biological dad but he wasn't sensible or remotely reliable. He committed suicide just over a year ago after behaving horrendously ( and illegally for several years). My second husband is acknowledged by both of them ( now 30 and 32) simply as their dad. We are introduced to people as 'my mum and dad' . He is grandad to their children. Not grandad X, Y,Z just grandad. We dated for 2 years and then married. It's been lovely. Just give it a go if you want Op. You don't have to get married, date someone with children, live together etc etc.

I was on my own when my daughter turned 9. I wasn’t actually interested in finding anyone again and loved the freedom of living alone/ being single but things changed and I did meet someone when she was 16 and 2 years later all is fantastic BUT I am really happy now that I actually waited until she was older and that she didn’t meet different boyfriends etc and I enjoyed the time just to be me and a mum

You have loads of free time! I’m a single mom with a 7 and 5 year old, they never stay at their dads and my mom has them twice a year when I get to go out. So realistically I can’t meet someone but you can. Doesn’t have to be serious, just treat it as fun. Bit of company when you don’t have the kids.

Same..been single since before DC was born and as a sole parent don't have time on my own. Doesn't bother me really. Altho would like someone to put the bins out /have some of the stress sometimes 😊

This. Very nicely put.

I think your instincts are right and you aren’t best-placed to look for a serious relationship right now. It would definitely be a risk to bring someone else into the home. Look up the ‘Cinderella effect’. I agree with PP that you might find something casual that suits you, but can understand that you might not want to invest your free time with blokes you don’t know rather than being with friends or being at home alone atm.

But keep an open mind and remember that this period where you aren’t best-placed to date is a relatively short time in your life. I agree that it’s unlikely your dc will be moving out at 18 but I think you’ll have more freedom when they’re in their teens. I hope you meet someone decent later down the line.

I specified no children

But you had young kids yourself? Didn't you feel selfish?

How easy was it to meet a man without kids that wanted to date a single mother?

Why do you need to bring someone into the home. My mum had a couple of partners over the years after splitting with my Dad and she always said she wouldn’t ever move anyone in with us. She didn’t remarry and live with someone until she was much older and we had all moved out but she had long term relationships up until that point.

If you want a relationship prioritise it.

p.s. asking for a friend

Those people (both mothers and fathers) prioritise their love life over other things, often including their children.

I think you're absolutely right to not want a blended family, but there's really no reason why you couldn't date on your childfree weekends if you wanted to. You might meet someone in a similar position who would be happy with EOW.

It might be a bad time now, but the kids will get older and spend more time away from you of their own accord.

My mum waited until I'd left home to have a serious relationship (she dated casually when we were at our dad's house, but nothing serious).

It feels unfair but I'm so grateful that she never made me share my home with an unrelated man or his children. It meant I had somewhere I could feel completely safe and relaxed and that is so important during childhood/teenage years.

In a similar boat OP, but I find it a bit of a shame as I’m older than you - had my child in my early 40s - and hadn’t really ever found love or had a decent s@x life - ever. I felt a (probably perimenopausal) urge to meet someone, but it was mostly fraught with difficulties. I did eventually meet someone but he has his own small child and the dynamics are too tricky to consider living together. So we hang out but there’s an undertone of pointlessness as it’s hard to keep separate lives in reality. Esp when it would be so much easier to be helping each other out. So yeah, I’ll be mid 60s too! You never know though OP…

You are not alone. I have a 13 year old who has additional needs and a 10 year old. I haven’t been looking for anyone for pretty much the exact same reasons that you have stated. Whilst I do often ponder if I would be happier if I met someone, at the moment I don’t actually feel that there is anything missing from my life. My friends fill the void when I need a night off or a cuppa and a chat. The best thing I ever did was get a dog after my husband left, they are such great company, especially when the kids are in bed or at their dads and she gets me out and about with walks etc…

I probably won’t always feel like this but at the moment, I’m not sure a new partner or the idea of a blended family would work for us. My boys are happy and I am happy, so whilst I do often wonder what the future holds for me relationship wise, I try not to think too far ahead and put that pressure on myself (easier said than done though!).

Never thought I’d be single at 50 but here we are 😏

You are very lucky you get a child free weekend! I have a 13 year old son that stays with dad for regular overnights but my sen 9yo daughter has never stayed with him overnight. She has slept in my bed since we split a year ago. I’m currently still in the marital home so if I want a night out, their dad has to come and sit with them here 😩 got no-one else to babysit. I’ve been out probably 3 times and due to go out all day this Saturday and my sen daughter is moaning she doesn’t want me to go. She’s not attended school since early April so I never really get a break.
I am quite happy being single as peri menopause is rough mentally for me. I get lonely in the evenings when they’ve gone to bed. But we rescued two cats a few months ago so they are quite therapeutic.
I mean having a man would help with all the shelves and blinds I’ve got waiting to go up 🤣

I would just ignore social media and the general pressure to be coupled up and just concentrate on yourself and your kids. It will happen when it’s the right time.

The thing is most men are switching off also so now men don't really think relationships are worth the effort anymore (those that have come out of them anyway) I'm 45 now and have actually happy I am single and don't want another relationship ever I don't think, after being in 3 long term (5 year, 9 year and 7 year) relationships it's been 2 years now and to me they just are not worth the hassle.

And my friends some have only ever been in a couple of year relationships and don't even try to seek women, it's like men have just switched off and I don't blame them the way things are at the moment.