To think it’s not realistic for me to have a relationship for a very long time?

[cadburyegg]

My kids are 10 and 7 and spend EOW at their dad’s, more in the holidays. My mum will babysit in the evening if I ask.

I see on social media (!) lots of single mums who have found love again but I just don’t see how it’s realistic for me to date. This past weekend the kids were at their dads and I’ve spent the weekend catching up on housework and laundry and seeing friends. Their dad will have them a couple of extra days over the next half term including the bank holiday and I’ll spend the time again catching up with house stuff plus I also need to continue decorating. When do people have time when all of the house stuff falls to them?

In a few years my kids may not want to go to their dad’s EOW anymore as they get into their teens plus he doesn’t have separate beds for them yet anyway. Realistically I can’t leave them in the evening for years yet. I don’t want a blended family, don’t want my kids having to share their home with an unrelated adult, don’t want more kids. One of my friends had divorced parents and he hated having a step dad. Felt he couldn’t relax in his home. I just don’t see how it’s possible for me to continue putting my kids first into adulthood and have a long term relationship. Let’s be realistic it’s unlikely they will both move out at 18.

I’d love to hear from people maybe who have older kids how they have managed it.

I dated someone with 2 children for 9 months. It was a nightmare so I specified no children for future dates. If I met the right person ( I was only 35 at the time) I would have happily had more( as it was we tried after we married but it didn't happen). I was turned down by lots of men the dating agency contacted on my behalf because they didn't have children and didn't want to meet a woman who had already had children with someone else. I was entirely comfortable with being single for years if I didn't find anyone who didn't have children but didn't mind a woman with 2 already. My 2nd husband was a young childless widower. He didn't see having his own children as important. He was happy to see what happened . I don't see my request to the dating agency as remotely selfish. I knew what life situation I wanted and , having dated a man who lived in total chaos with 2 children who appeared abd disappeared at utterly random times, I knew I didn't want that. If my second husband had desperately wanted his own children he could have dated any number of women ( he's tall, handsome, lacked an angry exwife and is extremely well off) .He was 38. He could have found someone of 28ish and had lots of babies but he decided to fall in love with me. He wasn't upset thst we couldn't have our own children

I’m with you. No time or inclination to date at all. I’ve had my daughter most of the time since she was 3, she’s now 10. She’s with her father (and new family) every other weekend and a couple of days a week. I pay for everything for my daughter and provide all primary care. Ex is extremely unreliable, so will randomly say he can’t have her during “his time”. This situation, plus a professional career, means I don’t date at all. However, I’m fine with that as I don’t want to expose my daughter to an adult man and she has specifically stated she doesn’t want me to have a man live here. From what I understand, a child is 100x more likely to be abused if there is an unrelated adult in the home, so I really don’t want this either.

I think it’s just realistic that you need to put your child first.

This is really good to read. It’s how my daughter feels and I don’t think you (or she) are being unfair at all to want a safe place like that growing up. It’s what every child needs and deserves.

Sounds sensible to me, it’s more complicated if trying to blend where other children are involved. He was clearly ok with poster them having children. He was widowed, maybe had planned to but didn’t get to. Men like that are hard to find.

You have time. When your kids are with you do the chores then..or give then a couple of quid to help you. That way you have eow to date. My ex sees my kids for an hour a week if that. They never stay over.
Tbh I've decided not to bother. After my exs behaviour I'll never trust another man again.

You’re catastrophising. No one is making you spend weekends when you don’t have your children doing housework, and there’s a big middle ground in between ‘not dating at all’ and moving someone in and blending your families! If you would like to date, date.

I have a 14yo and 11yo, been seeing my DP for a year. I see him usually once a week, staying over if possible, and he also comes to our house and spends time with the family. Once we became serious I introduced him to the kids, so he comes for dinner or we all go out together - if you start seeing someone when you can, you could make it more regular later maybe? I also speak to him every day.

I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years. We are both divorced with kids. I have 3 kids but two of them are young adults/older teenagers. All 3 live at home with me. The youngest goes to his dad 2 nights a fortnight and the older two see him on their own terms. My partner has 2 kids that he has 50% of the time.

We spend 2 nights together every other weekend child free when my youngest is with his dad. We love this time together and still get excited when it’s our weekend. In addition to this, my partner comes to stay one night mid-week when my kids are at home but he is child-free.

My youngest is roughly the same age as his two kids and when it’s not our free weekend we often meet up with the kids for an activity or my son and I occasionally go for a sleepover with him and his kids. We’ve had a couple of family holidays together and he and I have enjoyed a few holidays, just the two of us. We live about 30 minutes drive away from each other and have found a way to make it work without making our kids move schools or compromise on their lives so it can be done if you meet the right person. Housework etc just gets done whenever I can fit it in. My life is far richer for having my partner in my life although it can be a bit of a challenge to juggle everything but worth it for me.