To think some people are “stuck” not because of trauma, but because they’re lazy?

[ThatRealPinkTraybake]

Obviously trauma is real and can be life-altering. But some people hide behind it when they really just don’t want to make hard changes or do uncomfortable work. AIBU to think that not every case of being “stuck” is deep - sometimes it’s just avoiding effort?

Not specifically but things like that definitely inspired the question. I’ve just seen a growing trend of labelling any avoidance or low motivation as trauma and I wanted to ask where the line is. Sometimes it’s valid but sometimes it feels like it lets people off the hook from doing the hard stuff.

FFS why does everything have to be either/or on this site?

OP, I do realise you said 'some', but I think you are being disingenuous. I can't think of any reason why you would start a thread ostensibly to have a 'conversation about when ‘stuck’ is trauma and when it’s just avoidance' unless you think the latter and are seeking an echo chamber in which to have your own assumptions reflected back to you.

Inevitably some people will use trauma, real or fake, as an excuse, because there will always be some people that will look for the easy way out. But there's a real problem at the moment in society with people looking at the behaviour of the few and using it as a stick with which to beat the many, and threads like this are really damaging to perceptions of those with genuine trauma.

These oversimplified binaries practically never lead to much/anything in the way of constructive conversation, but plenty of ignorance and knee-jerk prejudice. I'd be absolutely astonished if this thread was any different, or if it didn't degenerate into yet another disability/PIP-bashing thread.

Sorry to read about what some pps on this thread have been through.

I imagine there are many people who would like to make changes, but don’t see the routes and don’t have the support.

This

Can you give us any examples?

Inevitably some people will use trauma, real or fake, as an excuse, because there will always be some people that will look for the easy way out

It's not easy being beaten, raped, losing a child in horrific circumstances, your husband running off with your sister, being sexually abused by a family member, losing a full term baby......is it?

I don’t say I suffered childhood trauma anymore. Because people were likening my dads early death to the time their mum forgetting their lunch box or similar.

So now I say I score 9 ACES and am on schizophrenia medication. People don’t want sympathy that badly that they’ll admit to that 😂

Do you have examples?

It sounds like SIL who absolutely refuses to step outside her comfort zone, and uses weaponised incompetence to get other people to do things for her.

@ThatRealPinkTraybake I'm traumatised by my laziness. Where do I fit in?

I think you might have misunderstood my statement. Those are examples of genuine trauma and not what I was talking about at all. I was saying that human nature being as it is, statistically there are bound to be some people who haven't experienced trauma at all, but will lie and say they have, or use something like 'my budgie died and I'm still not over it' as an excuse not to go to work.

True in my case tbh OP. I’m laaaazy! I genuinely could pass off my fatness as trauma but actually, if I could just get off the sofa my life would change (it’s not that bad tbh, I have a PT and rarely sit down cos of the kids but you know. Could always be doing more and I need to start looking after myself).

I’ve seen posts or content online where things like procrastinating, not replying to messages, or even avoiding tasks at work are framed as ‘trauma responses’ without any further context. I understand that trauma can show up in those ways but sometimes it feels like normal human struggles are being pathologised. I’m just wondering aloud where the line is between compassion and accountability.

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That’s between a person and their therapist. Unless you or anyone else here is a psychologist, all they can offer is poorly informed opinion. Not sure why a conversation about that is necessary here.

The word trauma is massively overused at the moment.

Those of us who have had PTSD know that it’s intense, very real, and not something that can be snapped out of.

I'm not participating in this one. I will only say I have 2 nephews who are wheel-chair bound (one with severly life-limiting condition) and a SiL who has survived an aneurism but could not work any more. Just stop it.

There is no way you can ever know for sure.
Bear that in mind when offering opinions.

I understand what you’re saying.

You could have two people suffer the same traumatic experience in life and one person goes on to live a “good” life and uses their experience as a lesson to never take life for granted, to want to prove people wrong etc etc and then the other person could spiral into a negative life of self destruction, addiction, bad habits etc etc and say that happened because of their traumatic experience.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as “they made X decision or did Y because they’re lazy” but I do believe that there are a lot of factors at play. Upbringing, personality, financial situation, available help, support system and so on can sway the road that people choose to go down after trauma.

The services don’t exist at present to differentiate between trauma and non trauma. I personally think it’s great we are now gradually developing a language to talk about trauma and its lasting effects. When I think about the shit my parents and their generation just sat on for their whole lives (just “getting on with it”) I get dead sad.

Also I don’t think anyone can say what is legitimately traumatic other than the person experiencing and a qualified health professional. I’ve had a few major experiences that might be considered “legitimately” traumatic but from which I recovered pretty soundly. But then I had a small car accident, nothing big and no injury whatsoever. The long term effect of this has been massive, it’s like I’m wired differently as a result of it. Totally physiological. 🤷‍♀️ TLDR: sometimes you just don’t know where trauma is going to spring from!

I don't. I think the pendulum has swung too far the other way.

I think the people you are talking about are not describing actual trauma (acute, chronic or complex), but are using it to talk about situations they are struggling to manage.

I think both can be in play at the same time with the same person. Trauma is tough and hard to combat.
It takes effort to effect change; it's fair enough that some people have not enough energy to make a successful recovery.

What is the point of your post?

Some people go through traumatic experience: rape, war, being a victim of crime, life-changing accidents or illnesses...

Of course these events are going to leave life-long scars and frankly people don't need to justify how they deal with their ordeals with you.

The amount of self-righteous, superior, Victorian attitudes on this type of threads about the 'deserving' versus the 'lazy/non-deserving/scroungers' is really pathetic.

Perhaps what you’re referring to is the difference between people who expect to heal from trauma by doing the work themselves and those who wait for a magic wand that fixes everything.
Trauma is not a light subject.
I ‘dealt’ with mine by putting it in boxes, firmly shut, till I ran out of space for those boxes. When they started opening and all that shit came tumbling down, the neuro pathway was so ingrained it was practically a highway complete with services and a toll. I had no one to lean on, it was just me and my child.
I went and knocked on every door I could think of, but I didn’t do it for me, I did it for my child who needed her mother. If I didn’t have her, I would have found a rug big enough to shove it all under.
I probably waited for a magic wand attached to my own personal fairy most of my life. Would I call it laziness? I don’t think it was, I didn’t have the tools to deal with it, so I avoided it, didn’t know what else to do.

The body keeps the score though. Reliving the trauma doesn’t really work for me. I had BWRT and that worked.