Regret. Any advice to move on?

[EmberR]

I am so frustrated with myself and just can’t shake it. I am so lucky and grateful, I have a lovely husband, a beautiful son, a job and our house. I have a lovely life that if you’d asked me 10 years ago would I be content I would have bitten your hand off.

But I feel regret and pain - I didn’t try for a second child as I was too scared and traumatised after my son was born. I convinced myself I was fine with one but now he’s growing up, I’m too old, and my heart is breaking. I know people go through such heartbreaking struggles with fertility and I’m so grateful to have my son. But I wasn’t even strong enough to even try for a second. How pathetic…

Any advice on how to move forward. Get over the regret? Sorry for the miserable post on a Sunday night.

Dear OP, don't beat yourself up. You created a wonderful family and achieved a lot in life. Enjoy it and celebrate your achevements. Also there are advantages of being an only child - more attention from the parents etc. You are doing great!

Thank you @Janefrombricklane xxx

How old are you? I had my second aged 39.

42…. Old!

You could foster or adopt ?

It’s not pathetic. You were traumatised, you said it yourself. Is it ok to ask why you wish you had done? What is it that makes you wish you’d had another?

Do you think you have not resolved the original trauma and that is why you are torturing yourself with regret?
we can’t get everything right, but we all make decisions based on the best knowledge or feelings we have at the time.

I was 42 having my second. Healthy NT 20 year old now. It's not too late if you feel you want to try. Equally, you have a much loved child - that is absolutely enough ❤️

I think all you can do is console yourself knowing that it might not have worked out as you'd hoped and that you made the right decision for you at the time.

Not a baby decision, but I chose between two paths amd wonder about the other. But I know this life os happy and the other... well, perhaps I'd have been in the wrong place at the wrong time and had a terrible accident. I'll never know. But I know I love this life. I hope that helps.

Thank you so much for everyone’s kind comments and suggestions. It’s really appreciated.

we are looking into fostering and adoption and I would definitely be open to it.

I think if I had tried to get pregnant and it hadn’t worked however hard that must feel but at least I tried, you know? My husband asked many times over the years if I felt ready and I kept pushing him away as I was too scared. And now I feel regret that I didn’t even have the courage to try. Whatever the outcome.

My son is very happy and he is our world,
It’s just now he is growing up and I realise I won’t ever have the baby cuddly stage ever again. I feel sad

42 is not too old to TTC if you feel that strongly, OP?

@Eestar it feels just too late you know. For it to work…

I had my 3rd at 42 and a half.

I think we will try but I also think it’s important to be open to the fact it might not happen for us and I have to be OK with that outcome. I just can’t go back in time 2 years and change the path I took. So frustrated with myself

You seem to have a hard pregnancy, birth or may have had bad post natal depression. Due to this you did not feel like trying for another baby. Having another baby could have left you physically or mentally unwell. You wanted to be physically and mentally well in order to look after your son.

You did what was best for you, your son and husband at the time. Now your child is getting a bit older and your now 42. You have a healthy child, a nice home and life is good. I would not be trying for another baby at this stage because of your age and with a higher risks of having a child with special needs. I have seen woman having special needs kids and it very hard work. Your fighting for assessments, services, respite ect and it has a major impact on the whole family.

I think at times we all have parts in our lives that we would like to have done things differently or we wonder what would have happened if we did b instead of a.
Some times bad things happen or certain things don't go according to plan and we have to deal with these. Within a few years we realise that it was better than certain things happened then because we are now on a better path or a better position than we thought back then.

I think that you need to realise that if ok just to have one child because you had to consider your own physical and mental health back then. You should enjoy the life you have at the moment with your son and work on building up your friendship group also. As your son gets older he will want to spend more time with friends and it's important for you to have child free time and time for just you and your husband also.

Firstly, 42 is not too old. Some might say it is, there are higher risks and less chances but it's not over. I'm slightly older and considering whether to try for a second. I'm aware of the reality but trying is still an option.

Secondly, I've made choices in my life that, at the time, I knew I might regret one day but I put almost like a marker in my brain... "remember, if you think differently in the future, it's because you're in a different place. You absolutely can't do x, y, or z right now, that is the decision".
If you were back where you were a couple of years ago, I bet you absolutely couldn't have made a different decision either. So try not to see it as a regret or something you did wrong, try to process it as that is what happened. A bit like saying "oh I wish I'd have saved money when I was younger" is fruitless if, at the time, you didn't have the money to save. You can't regret what you couldn't do.

It sounds like you have options still. Try to focus on those over the next few years, and if you find you've exhausted those and find you have your one child, then I'd start looking up various threads and research on all the positives of one, because there are plenty.

Thank you so much for your wise words and wisdom. It’s amazing how much comfort you can find from a community of people who share their time and opinions. Thank you

I’m glad you are still going to try. At the start you seemed (to me) so resigned to the point that you didn’t appear to think it even worth trying, but it is nice to read this. Yes, you’re older now, but in general women are having children later and later in life, and as some have said on here they have too. Yes, admittedly, biologically it could be harder now, or come with a few extra risks, but it really isn’t too late to try at all. And as you said, if you try and it doesn’t happen, then at least you’ve tried. Try and take all the stress out of the process, or at least some of it, by just seeing what happens, with maybe a more concerted effort around ovulation if that’s what you want to do. Or just try by “trying” when and how ever often you feel like it, and with no contraception hopefully it’ll just happen when it happens, if that makes sense. Pressure and stress could possibly have a slightly negative effect, both physically and mentally.

Forgive yourself for not doing it already, not that you have anything to forgive yourself for, but it certainly does seem that you feel that you do. Try and just enjoy giving it a go (easier said than done, I understand that). You made the decision that you made at a time when that was the right decision for you, and your decisions are fully valid. Please realise that. I hope all goes well for you.

Why? Theres so many examples of it working with people that age and older, either in the public eye or just on normal life? Ok it might not but it might? Why not try?

I had two accidental pregnancies in 6 months at 41, OP. The second was while on two different birth control methods. I lost the first baby, but the second is here and causing chaos - he is the light of our family.

Absolutely nothing wrong with exploring fostering/adoption whilst also seeing if pregnancy happens naturally.

Good luck!

I think this is a normal pattern of thinking. People who have three wish they’d had four and so on. Try to focus on the fact you were blessed enough to have the opportunity to be a mother and be grateful for having a healthy child. This isn’t the end, it’s just another phase of your lives. It’s the same with everything. The other day, my father in law said he (on his birthday) he wishes he could have 50 more years with my mother in law. All this beauty in life is never quite enough for us is it? Try and smile and be glad we have had the experience of such love.

Thank you so much for everyone’s kind comments and advice. It is all much appreciated. I honestly feel like people must feel sorry for me - I just feel judged as not a real mother as I only have one child. Maybe it’s just my mind making this up!?! I just feel like I don’t have the norm, but what is the norm anyway.

I will explore all options, we’re trying (not obsessively but just not being careful) for pregnancy and I have applied to be a foster carer. I think I just need something to focus on to move forward

What is this thing about not being a real mother if you only have one child? This is not aimed at you OP but I have one child and I have never heard this before seeing it a few times now on MN. I find it possibly the most insulting and judgemental thing I've ever read. And to my child as well, as if he's not enough, not to mention that it also makes absolutely zero sense.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and I'd love it if the judgement could just stop, none of this is a competition.

In situations like this we look at the road not taken with rose tinted glasses.

Instead of thinking about all the baby snuggles you’re missing, think about it another way: maybe you have avoided heartbreak. Maybe you have avoided suffering. Maybe you have avoided trauma.

Having babies isn’t always a straightforward business, as I know you know. You’ve had one, all went well, he’s alive, healthy and happy. There’s no guarantee a second would be the same. Sorry to be morbid about it, but thinking about the darker possibilities to the road not taken can help you feel fortunate and content with what you have.

I honestly feel like people must feel sorry for me - I just feel judged as not a real mother as I only have one child.

Do you look at people who have one child and think they’re not a real mother?

I honestly never have. I have friends with one, two, three and five kids. Weirdly nobody who stopped at four yet 😆 But I’ve never judged any of them. I’ve never felt sorry for them that they only have one, or that they’ve now had five. I leave peoples family planning up to them! One child families are families too. One child mums are still mums.

Is your son only 2? There’s so little difference between 40 and 42, really. I could understand your angst a bit if you’d had your first at 32, but surely any concerns you have now; you’d have had then too?