To be finding modern life more and more unpleasant?

[Thegrassroots26]

The world is getting lonelier, more divided, more and more individualistic. Technology has taken over and with it taken quite a lot of what makes us human. Eye contact, connection, compassion etc. There’s too much artificial intimacy and not enough genuine experiences.

I am a divorced parent of teens, so yes I’m extra isolated and sometimes it feels: ostracised, but still I think a lot of people feel this way maybe. Or maybe not? Let me know your thoughts.

There’s actually a surprising amount of fabulous things going on in the background, but the media doesn’t talk about them. Don’t buy into the gloom and doom narrative that you are being fed

I agree.
But to counter it I do as much 'in person' stuff as possible.
For example, this morning we went to our town's transport festival in the park It was packed with people enjoying the sun, talking about the cars, laughing about antics of dogs, clapping the merry music of the band etc.
I think things like this help the present mood a lot.

I'm sorry that you're feeling that way, OP.

That isn't my experience personally but what you feel is valid. Are there things that you could do to feel less isolated/get more connection? Volunteering of some kind, maybe?

I didn’t feel that until quite recently, but yes, in the last ten years things seem to have become so much narrower and meaner in the world. Up until recently I felt that on balance things kept getting better, but I’m not sure about that any more. The state of world politics, the lack of community and trust in society, Brexit, the economy, bizarre anti-science and extreme worldviews and ideologies getting more and more accepted - if you think back to how the world was in 2012 or 2005 or 1998 things feel very far indeed from normal.

I now look back to aspect of my 80s childhood that have disappeared and can’t help but feel nostalgic when I used to feel glad things had moved on. It’s not just some kind of getting older thing, though - it’s that I now feel the balance has shifted and the things we have now got are no longer worth the things we’ve lost. In the mid-2000s and early 2010s innovations in technology and living standards seemed fantastically promising: iPhones, new ecological ideas, advances in medical science, etc. Now, the current new tech is some kind of nightmare cyberpunk stuff — AI, porn-filled apps, the worst aspects of social media, Boston dynamics robots, cryptocurrency and digital surveillance. No thanks! I’d happily lose it all and go back to the analogue world if it meant a healthier and happier life.

A lot of people have become increasingly unpleasant in the past few years.

I don’t have time to volunteer! I have to earn as a lone parent. The rest of the time I’m exhausted recovering from doing everything by myself.

Yes this. I think people have lost their kindness and humanity in many ways, especially since lockdown, and even more so since technology replaced so many of what used to be human to human interactions.
It’s almost like a lot of people have become inept at social interaction, which I guess isn’t a surprise because you need that to become good at interacting in real life. I can only see this getting worse as more technology comes in.

Fair enough...although lots of people do manage to volunteer alongside full time work. I have done so for years, despite having a demanding full time job, being the main earner and having a DH who is often overseas for months at a time. But I understand if you feel that you don't want to/ haven't got the capacity right now.

Is there something else that you could do to find more connection with other people?

Can your teens help out more in order to reduce the burden on you having to get everything done?

I got actively ignored by a too cool crew of young employees in a high street store (Office) this week. Left empty-handed. They managed to get my shoes to try on, and take them back, without uttering a work. I don’t even know how they did it.

Not saying it’s all young folks, had the opposite experience in another store (Footlocker) with really nice staff, all from different cultural backgrounds. Lovely kids! But the best shopping experience recently was with an a worker my age (50).

Just the art of basic customer service. Hi, how are you doing? Let me know if you need anything! Lovely day, isn’t it? It was a very nice shop (Oliver Bonas) with a good vibe. I like shopping there. So many shops are utterly depressing nowadays…

But from what you say you don’t have the time or energy for much ‘social interaction’ outside of work and parenting? Do you feel you have become inept at it?

But this is the problem then, isn’t it? Not life generally, but the particular phase you’re in…which will, inevitably, not last forever.

Personally, I love all the tech now available, it makes it much easier to keep in touch with people in my opinion.

And, as someone who can remember the utter hopelessness of Sunday afternoons as a child in the late seventies/early eighties I’m rather looking forward to choosing something on Netflix etc today. Or even being able to pop out to the shops..and pay with my phone!

It sounds as if you are missing a community. When I feel like this I think about what I'm seeing in reality vs online. Online the boys are all about Andrew Tate, in my life lots of the men have jobs which involve empathy and kindness, the ones who don't are kind outside of their job role. My son plays a team sport cos he'd by volunteer dads mainly. They tell the kids how proud they are of good sportmanship. Are any of the kids into sports or music and could you engage with that community a bit more? Presumably you have to support them anyway!

How would you like your life to look different, OP? Maybe that's what you need to focus on, and then think about small changes that you can make to move in the right direction?

I mean this kindly, but I don't think bemoaning how the world has changed is actually going to make your own life any better. There is actually a huge amount of kindness and humanity still "out there", but if you don't go looking for it, you might not see it.

I think if you're so busy and burnt out from it all that you don't have time to seek connection yourself then its irrelevant what others are doing. In your situation you'd need people prepared to really reach out to you and not expect a lot back because you make it sound like you'd have little to give.

Life is what you make of it!
I understand your concerns, but it's here to stay.
I think the most important thing we can teach our DC is to have actual physical hobbies that involve contact with other human beings. Something that's away from school, social media.and the ever increasing online world.

And even better, lead by example!

I’m sorry you’re feeling isolated. This definitely hasn’t been my personal experience. I definitely felt much more isolated in my teens and 20s. I’m mid 40s now and feel like I have lots of real world and online support. Actually, technology has been a huge part of me connecting with communities of people experiencing similar things as me.

To me, it sounds like your experiences have a lot to do with not having support (family, partner, co-parent) and being burnt out than technology replacing human interaction. You sound very much like my mum (back in the 90s) when she was lone parenting a teen (me). I imagine it’s bloody exhausting.

But the takeaway from that is that a village doesn’t come looking for you. You have to cultivate it and keep it watered. Technology might actually be the answer if you have limited time outside of work. My friend who has been a lone parent from birth has found other mums online to connect with. They go on holidays together. They’ve met up for years so now their children are also friends (or at least, as teens, tolerable of each other).

Or with children who are teens, you have the freedom to go and do things that you enjoy in ways that a parent with an 8 year old cannot. What do you love? I went through a horrible period with my mental health and burn out a few years ago. Hiking and wild swimming became my saving grace. Can’t do that on TikTok.

Even when you are working lots, you can squeeze in things you love on the weekends. I started hiking 10-15 miles once or twice a week. I joined a wild swimming group, lots of coffee and cake and human interaction there. They meet to swim probably 5 afternoons/evenings a week. There are tribes out there for everyone. You do have to put yourself out there though. They won’t come searching for you.

Hi OP,
I'm generally a down beat sort of person. I really prefer my own company or that of animals to most people. So I get how you feel, I personally don't think things have got worse because my opinion of humans has always been low.
But when I feel a bit depressed I reach for either Joe Abercrombies books set in the world of the first law, marvellous fantasy stuff and it's all grim, but shot through with humour. Or Jane Austen, her characters are mostly super realistic and so often behave very badly. And society as a whole is shown as so deeply unfair and just dreadful. I used to think fighting duels was some quaint nonsense until I read Sense and Sensibility, I really wanted Col. Brandon to fight and kill the despicable Willoughby.
I'm sorry my post wandered off into literature if you aren't into it.
I also think you may be physically and emotionally drained by life currently. I also relate to that, I've just decided that I need time to feel exhausted and if I have to sit in my reading chair with my cat then that's what I'm going to do.
Good luck to you!

I think if you are quite isolated, and get the bulk of your social interaction online, it's easy to get the impression that everything is getting worse.

Out in the real world, though, there are plenty of good things, and people are generally nice. Someone upthread mentioned going to local events and festivals, and I think that's a really good idea. Its gets you out of the house, doesn't cost a fortune, and you get to meet people.

I actually don’t spend that much time online. I’m not on any social media any longer. I think some posters are missing the point. Yes I’m isolated but I wasn’t asking for ideas on that- I know what I need to do, and it’s easier said than done.

Thanks to those who did post pleasant and supportive, empathetic replies though. I see you 😉

I think dealing with teenagers and or young adults at home on your own can be draining.

Since getting older I prefer staying in more anyway.

Generally speaking joining things costs time energy and money that single parents seldom have.

There are so many barriers. Where I live there is almost nothing to join that doesn't need a car plus money. Neither of which I have.

Easier said than done going out!

Lone parent of teens here too, OP, and I often feel like this, but I do think it's because of my situation. It's impossible to find a sense of community in the real world when you've got to be in the house because they aren't quite old enough to be left without a babysitter but are too old to want one. They want you there if they need you but don't actually want to spend time with you, so you don't feel like you even have a proper family anymore. It sucks. I deal with it by inviting friends over, popping out for coffee locally, arranging loads of social things for my youngest so that I can meet a friend etc. I'm thinking that I'm now at the point where I could go out on a Sunday morning and leave them at home, and I'm considering going to church (lifelong agnostic). Community, kind people, the chance to sing and sit quietly in peace...

You're feeling like this because your life is so difficult at the moment. If you go outside feeling miserable, you'll find that no-one will smile or speak to you...when you're happy and smiley, everyone responds accordingly. (If you dress up and wear makeup people will treat you better...which is annoying but it really is true.)

That said, you can't will yourself to be happy or think yourself into being happy. You have to think of things that you think might help and just do them. The happiness will arrive on it's own.

I think you don’t feel it as much if you’re still a family unit.

When you’re divorced, sunny days can feel extra hard as you can actually hear and see family life going on, and you don’t have that anymore. Particularly with older teens who don’t want to do the family stuff anymore, especially with just one parent.

Ah my people have arrived on the thread! Thanks to the other lone parents who have put the reality into words. I know people mean well, but if you’ve not been in this situation- you don’t really get it. And honestly I hope those in two adult households don’t ever have to experience it!

I don’t find that at all and some of the young ones are a lot more polite than the middle aged assistants.