So am I the one in the wrong here?

[JustsamanthaJayne]

So my 19 year old every 2 weeks ends up with 6 black bags of rubbish and junk in her and her 18 year olds room. The 19 year old sits there all weekends and holidays does nothing and won't use that time to sort this rubbish out
I always have to collect all the rubbish and separate it outside in the recycling bins
And im sick of it
She leaves dirty plates up there and I've lost countless cutlery
I asked her to go out with her dad today with my other kids as I just wanted to be in this house alone and not have to worry about dealing with her she's refused to go
She will now sit there all day waiting for me to sort her rubbish
I got told to 'shut the fuck up'
She skips her college lessons to the point they cut her bursery ( meant for travel costs to college) I've been called into several meetings at college for failing exams and coursework
She says its all my fault for ' not giving her motivation'
At what point does it stop being my fault and it's her that's now in the wrong ?
The only day I'm absolute child free Is every other Sunday for 3 hours and she couldn't at least go

I think its time to go back to basics. These are the house rules write them down and if their not followed she knows where the door is.
No food and drink upstairs
Clean up after yourself
Clean your room
Don't swear
Be kind and respectful to others

All that means is that no one has ever requested it.

At what point does it stop being my fault and it's her that's now in the wrong ?

It stops when you put boundaries in place and she learns some respect. She needs to sort her shit out!

You chose to have children and when they need support and parenting, then your YOU time goes out the window. That's life. They'll all leave home one day then you can have plenty of time to yourself.

Take your daughter out for a walk. Try speaking to her and laying down some ground rules. No food in rooms.

If she cannot keep the room tidy then she will lose the privilege of a room. You cam have her bed and share with the 18 year old and she will sleep on the sofa.

Make the rules and consequences very clear.

How many kids have you got?

Sorry if it’s already been mentioned and I missed it, but you / she might want to look into possible ADHD. Lack of motivation, low mood, forgetfulness etc, are all classic signs.

Your poor daughter, told that her mother won't love/care about her when she's an adult - and now it's all coming true.

Can't you see what's going on here OP? Her self esteem is through the floor, I expect she's depressed and anxious because she's been emotionally abused by her father. It's sickening that people say just kick her out. She may also be testing your love after the abuse from her father - she needs you more than ever right now and you've got no time for her from the sounds of it.

It's all very well saying she has access to counselling but for whatever reason she doesn't feel able to go. She needs a load of support and encouragement, not belittling by calling it 'baby sitting'. It sounds like she really struggles with executive function, this is commonly part of ND conditions such as ASD and ADHD. This will be why she forgets things.

Her father has emotionally abused her, she is failing at college and you belittle her. It's absolutely no wonder to me that she is the way she is. She's been failed by both her parents poor thing - and no doubt her sister is the golden child.

I don't belittle her at all.. I've asked her to do the most basics of things.
Not asking her to tidy the whole house but just to bring down her plates and clear her rubbish
I would never kick her out.. just because I wanted to be alone for a few hours doesn't make me a bad person doesn't mean I'm going to kick her out
Yes her father said some horrible things but that doesn't mean I deserve to be punished for it.
I've tried to talk to her she's not interested and that's not my fault either
If her dad has slated me to her and she's now believing his every word I cant change that
And no none of my children are the 'golden child'
We don't have a relationship because of her father not because i 'belittle her' because i don't
Asking her to do the basics of things isn't belittling
I struggle to but I at least do the basics i don't sit there and eat a bag of crisps and launch it on the floor and leave it there and let it mount up where do you draw the line
If I eat food I don't leave plates mounting up I put food in bin and wash my plates
I have possible ADHD ( as suggested by my nurologist im just waiting to see if my GP agrees to refer me its in their hands)
And yes so that means my daughter could possibly have it but we need to pull together and do the basics like where do I draw the line ? Do i just do everything and take on all the problems and overwelm myself too much as well? Like at what age can I sit back and say right your older enough now ??
Age 19 and your saying i must still be lenient and tidy her room and mess as well as the house and the other children's
Like at what point am I allowed to say to her 'your old enough to take responsibility ' without being accused of belittling

Can she go and live with her dad if she thinks he is so marvellous and you are so awful?

It absolutely isn't your fault that your ex said some horrible things about you to your dd. But that isn't her fault either.

You say that you've tried to talk and that she isn't interested, and that's not your fault, but you seem to have sort of given up on her. Why do you think you can't change the way she sees you?

Being honest, it sounds like you're both really struggling, so I'm not trying to be critical, but you are the parent here... you need to try and take some initiative to fix the relationship. I understand how hard it must be to be without your own private space etc, but your dd also sounds like she is desperately unhappy.

And yes, she is an adult and she needs to start taking responsibility for stuff herself. Absolutely. But you're also her parent and it is your job to help her get there.

Different issues here:

1. The rubbish & mess in her room, stop clearing it. Her room, her mess, not your job. If she wants to live in filth then let her, she’s learning absolutely nothing if you always swoop in and do it.

2. Asking her to leave the house, her home, because you can’t be bothered to deal with her is awful, stop doing that.

3. The college issues, as with number 1, drop the rope. She’s 19, she can study or not study, the outcome will reflect whatever she puts in and you cannot somebody to revise or work hard. Speak to her about it, encourage her, talk about the work together and look at potential career’s etc, try to make the bigger picture clear for her about work vs reward, but at the end of the day only she can decide whether or not to put the work in.

Op
kindly… you really have to stop
blaming her dad for all of this.
I know it’s hard , but it doesn’t help.
what’s done is done.
you need to show her love and understanding
she’ll see through her dad eventually- all kids realise what a bad father is in the end.
Ban food from the bedroom is a good start and then , gently try to start and reconnect with her.

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable her daughter is 18 or 19 years old and old enough to hear her mom needs a break, she should be able to understand that . And the mom can go to her room any other time, the poor woman just wants the whole house to herself , which I can’t say I can blame her. And if her daughter never leaves the house than yes she needs to leave the house for a bit. It’s not good to be locked up and not do anything at her age that will make for mental problems. I’m 42 and I’m glad I’m a homebody, but I at least make myself go out to the store at least once a week even if I don’t want to.

I don’t think she’s blaming the father for all this she never even mentions anything about it until another post. I think you should talk to your other daughter to see if she knows anything, which I’m sure you’ve already tried that. Don’t let any of these posts make you feel shitty or guilty about anything. 18-19 is a tough age when you’re dealing with parents or kids or something else in general.