So am I the one in the wrong here?

[JustsamanthaJayne]

So my 19 year old every 2 weeks ends up with 6 black bags of rubbish and junk in her and her 18 year olds room. The 19 year old sits there all weekends and holidays does nothing and won't use that time to sort this rubbish out
I always have to collect all the rubbish and separate it outside in the recycling bins
And im sick of it
She leaves dirty plates up there and I've lost countless cutlery
I asked her to go out with her dad today with my other kids as I just wanted to be in this house alone and not have to worry about dealing with her she's refused to go
She will now sit there all day waiting for me to sort her rubbish
I got told to 'shut the fuck up'
She skips her college lessons to the point they cut her bursery ( meant for travel costs to college) I've been called into several meetings at college for failing exams and coursework
She says its all my fault for ' not giving her motivation'
At what point does it stop being my fault and it's her that's now in the wrong ?
The only day I'm absolute child free Is every other Sunday for 3 hours and she couldn't at least go

Talk to her. Tell her you will not tolerate the mess in her bedroom nor her disgusting attitude towards you. Give her 4 weeks notice to improve, then she’s evicted. She’s an adult. She should start behaving like one.

Can she go and live with her Dad?

That must be very frustrating for you, but the parental alienation was not her fault.

It sounds like you need to invest in rebuilding the relationship. The other stuff probably won't be resolved if your relationship doesn't improve.

I find the lack of WiFi is good for motivation..

So she does leave the house.
And presumably isn’t a complete skank if she has a boyfriend?

This all sounds like a huge cry for help to me.
6 bags a fortnight?! What is going on up there?

Does she talk to her sister? Have you tried talking to her?

Tbh, you sound a bit knee jerk about these issues rather than a parent. What’s going on with her?

Please exhaust any other ideas first. My mother did this to me at 17 and I cut contact that day and never went back.

Also her college have give her free access to counselling sessions and had a counselling she can access when she wanted at college but never attended and the councillor just gave up chasing her

I asked her to go out with her dad today with my other kids as I just wanted to be in this house alone and not have to worry about dealing with her she's refused to go

This is awful.
You cannot ask your child to leave their own home for the day because you can’t be bothered ‘dealing with her’.

That’s awful and I would never say that to my child.
It’s no wonder why you two have issues.

If you want time alone then go into your bedroom.

Obviously her having rubbish in her room is not good.
My DD is similar and I regularly tell her to tidy it.
I brought a bin for her room and I then replace the bin bag when it’s full.
I told her that I’m not cleaning her room but she can ask for my help and although it’s not perfect she does ask me to help her now when she gets overwhelmed and then for the next few days it stays a bit tidier.
Its not perfect but it’s getting better.

I assume there’s no way your DDs can have their own rooms?

I feel really sorry for the 18yo in this but I would provide a bin which I would empty regularly and then leave it up to DD.
Tell her to put the rubbish in the bin and if she doesn’t then it’s on her.

You need to pick your battles and if she wants to live in a pig sty then so be it.
Tell her if she makes an effort to put rubbish in the bin, then she can ask for your help if it gets too much.

Just the process of asking for help and you doing it will help towards strengthening your relationship.

Obviously there are much bigger issues here and these need to be dealt with more than the rubbish in the room.

Also me and the 19 year old do have a rocky relationship (due to years of parental alienation from her dad) and he caused a lot of issues

Can you explain this a bit more?
Has she only recently come to live with you?

Start with no food in bedrooms, and work up from there. And throw her out of her room every day for an hour to do her room, preferably at 6:00am, 'if you can't do it yourself, I will have to'.

I've worked in sixth form education for 15 years across both school and college settings. Some students stay on a third year so attend until 19. They're treated exactly the same as under 18 year olds, and because they're no longer funded by the government we're essentially doing them a favour and managing a tighter budget to accommodate them in the extra year. Therefore if they don't meet our expectations, parents are still contacted. Likewise, those in second year of sixth form are still held to the same standards once they turn 18 and parents continue to be contacted as normal, regardless of them being legal adults.

Not relevant to the original post, but you seemed to be questioning the OP's version of events, which is perfectly reasonable.

The students can refuse permission for you to do this though. You might do it as standard, but if they specifically request you don’t, you have to agree.

I said for her to go to her dad's because im constantly being put under stress i never get any me time. I have to be here babying her over everything she's 19 not a baby
Also I can't leave the house whilst she's here as she's lost two house keys so I'd have to leave mine and she fell asleep once and I couldn't get back in plus if it's left unlocked and she's asleep anyone can walk in as we are on a very busy main road
She also leaves the cooker on as well it's a good job I've been home whilst she's done it
She just doesn't care
I don't have a bedroom that i can escape too I sleep on the sofa

Can you get her on some adhd medication? It would help her through college and get her room clean, it’s a quick fix

No she's always lived with me
Her dad left me for another woman when she was 12 and ever since he's called me names to her used her as a messenger to pass co parenting messages he's bad mouthed me to her
He told her I won't care about her once she's an adult. He's told her a couple years back i only want her for the benefits and the other kids
Told the kids I'm a bad mum and I'm lazy this that and the other
He's consistently been late for the kids let them down last minute ect.
He caused a lot of damage to us all even when ive asked him to stop.
Some things are now unrepairable
She's said he doesn't slate me to her anymore and things but it's a little too late the damage has already been done

You're in a very difficult position, and I really sympathise. The fact that you don't even have your own bedroom ( so no escape) makes it worse.
I didn't quite understand the key issue, if she's lost her keys then she has to manage without, and wait for someone to let her in. Or are you saying that she'd go out leaving the house unlocked?
She sounds very young and irresponsible for her age, and also depressed. I see that she's been offered help by the college but not taken them up on it. Does she have any sort of diagnosis?
I suspect she'd manage better out of college and with a job, although that's easier said than done. I expect you've already talked to her about contributing to the household, and if you are that overcrowded I'm assuming things are financially tight. I think you are going to need to get tough, not chucking her out , but requiring her to meet certain minimum standards. For example, if she's got all that rubbish in her room, presumably that is take away boxes. Where is the money for that coming from? Anyway, whatever it is, no food in the bedroom, no money at all, and a conversation with her Dad, if you are on speaking terms. I agree that Wifi needs to go off, and I would suggest trying to get her to the GP to see if they can help.

Change the WiFi password until she has cleaned up. Take the router to work so she can’t access it during the day. Stop bringing snacks into the house so she has less crap to eat. Clear out her room including her clothes and and get rid of anything she doesn’t need. Put back only the essentials. That way there’s less stuff to make a mess.

I don’t understand what all the rubbish is? We don’t produce 6 black bags of rubbish every 2 weeks as a family of 3!

Never had this happen on the grounds of age, only if it's a safeguarding concern.

How many kids do you have and how many bedrooms?

The fact that you’re sleeping on the sofa definitely makes things worse because you have no escape.

But you should still never tell a child you want them to go out for the day because you don’t want to have to deal with them.
Why not just encourage them to spend time with their dad for their own benefit.

Why does she not live with her dad if they get on so well?

Your OP sounds like your living up to what he said, concern she had lost her bursary rather than that she might be messing up her future, wanting her out of the house so you can have a break even though she stays in her room. No apparent insight into her needs. It sounds like she needs a lot of support, it's not normal for a 19 year old to forget to turn a cooker off and not be able to keep their room clean, it sounds like she is really struggling and it sounds like you just want rid of her.

Are you the bin bag?

At 19 in college I had to sign a document giving permission for my college to contact my parent if needed.

My flabber is a bit gasted at the notion a college could legally contact the parents of an adult to discuss performance/attendance issues without their consent simply because they are no longer government funded.

Not doubting the truth of it; it doesn't sit comfortably with me. Surprised there aren't GDPR implications.

I would ban food in bedrooms. It must be unpleasant for the 18 year old to deal with that in her room. Obviously the behaviour is unacceptable, but things like never leaving the house, poor hygiene, losing things and leaving cookers on can be a sign of neurodivergence. Arrange a time to have a proper conversation with her and give your perspective on why things need to change and ask what you can do to support her.