This is shit right? Or am I expecting too much?

[Ozgirl76]

It’s Mother’s Day here (Aus) and I feel a bit grumpy about it. In previous years the kids have bought something at school but this year they didn’t have a stall there. They are 12 and 14.
I had mentioned to DH that I would like some fluffy sock slippers and a cosy blanket (winter here!), easy presents right? Very on trend for Mother’s Day. The shops are filled with this stuff.

So we were out doing various things yesterday and then DH and oldest son came home and DH sheepishly said “we couldn’t find you anything”. I looked surprised and said “I’ve literally asked for the most generic gifts going”.
He then went back later, then rang me “what kind of slipper socks did I want” “what kind of blanket was I thinking of?”
I told him “I actually don’t want to micromanage my entire present, so don’t worry about it”.

Come this morning, I had to be up to take the kids to a sport event but not THAT early. DH was still asleep so I went downstairs, made my own cup of tea. He came down 15 mins later “oh we didn’t get to bring you your tea in bed” “well no because I have to get ready now”

Then the kids and I were out, got home at 1.30 and he was out buying stuff for a nice lunch which I then helped prepare (although he mainly did).

So I guess I think - AIBU to think this half arsed attempt is just shit? Or am I unreasonable as he works long hours, I work from home in a pretty cushy job and he probably thinks maybe I don’t need to be made a fuss of because my life isn’t like super hard or anything?

I’m thinking maybe next year to just hand the whole endeavour over to the kids to do - tell them parameters (a nice gift from each, doesn’t need to be pricy but I love all the girly stuff so I am easy as hell to buy for), and say I want a tea and a thanks for literally facilitating everything in their insanely lovely life?

I don’t know. Writing it down maybe I am being a bit princessy about it but I think, would it hurt to have ONE day where the three people in the house show their appreciation of how smooth their life runs because of me?

Nah, you're right it's shit.
It's like you give and give and give and they just take.

Your dc are 12 and 14, they should be more than capable of buying gifts and making the tea.

I agree! Well it’s my birthday in a few months, maybe it’s time to start getting them to step up with what is nice to do for the mother you love on special occasions!

Your husband could have done better… but your kids are 12 and 14. Why couldn’t they have sorted this before yesterday? Did they do anything?

My kids are a lot younger, but I’d hope DH wouldn’t still be managing this completely when they’re that old. Facilitating and financing, probably, but not running the whole show.

Followed you over from my thread. Solidarity! It's just a bit "meh" isn't it? I didn't expect a big fuss, but maybe just a bit of fuss wouldn't have gone amiss?!

Not quite the same with older kids (mine are younger than yours), but what I would have liked would be for my husband to be organised enough in advance to sit with the kids and help them do a card. Maybe just to show they'd sat and thought about what they like about me for 5 minutes! But I guess I'm just there.

Yes I agree - I think because it’s always been made really easy for them in the past (by having a stall at school) it didn’t occur to them that this was something that had to be organised by themselves. I feel like DH should have at least checked whether they had done anything (he hasn’t had to for the past few years so maybe it was just off everyone’s radar)
Im going to make my future expectations clear!

it’s not a surprise that this comes round every year!

Don't forget match his energy and effort on father's day

Yes, it’s “meh” and even though I know I can tell them what I want, what I actually want is for THEM to spend time thinking about it WITHOUT me having to remind them “I’m important, celebrate me”. That’s what annoys me. That none of them stopped to think “have we done something nice for mum”

I’m tempted to do the opposite and organise the most fucking amazing day he’s ever had just to show him; THIS is how it’s done motherfucker.

Exactly! I don't want to have to tell them what they like about me

I get why you want to show him how it's done, but haven't you already, for 14 plus years?

At 14 and 12, this is entirely on them to buy/make a card, and get you a gift.
Why weren't they up earlier to bring you a cup of tea?

Sorry, much as I know you want to, I don't think you can pin the blame on DH for this one.

I wouldn’t bother. He won’t add 2+2 together and make the connection and even if he did, he will have forgotten by time next Mother’s Day rolls around because he doesn’t care enough about you to make it a priority.

Sorry to say it but he’s just not that into you. Pretty sure if his gf/wife was his favourite celeb crush, he would have had something nice planned months in advance for her. Men make the effort when they are actively interested in making the other party happy. As the saying goes, if he wanted to - he would.

100% his selective memory will kick in and he won't make the connection because you didn't mention it at the time

I agree with @anotherday11

I don't think your DH needed to do anything at all, you're not his mother? Your kids are both old enough to go and buy you a card and present so I would be telling them you're disappointed. At least your DH tried to do a nice lunch for you, presumably you could have sat back and let him get on with it instead of getting involved?

I'd be disappointed too, I get that some people just aren't that great at presents but for fucks sake. I don't even know you and I think I could cope with picking out some fluffy socks and a blanket for you without needing detailed instructions and a map.

Why do you expect your husband to do stuff, you are not his mother? Your kids are 12 and 14, more than old enough to bake you a cake or make a card. This is on them. Your husband made a nice lunch you said.

What did you both do for your own mothers, assuming they are alive?

Happy mother’s days I have had fuck all, apart from people saying it. I have adult kids (two at home) and DH here. I am not going to be melodramatic, but I just cooked myself two crispy duck legs (everyone’s favourite in this house) and some super crispy potatoes. Everyone came downstairs and said how nice it smelled and looked, while I poured myself a small glass of wine. I sat down and started eating and the lights switched on slowly with everyone in the house. They are now cooking pasta. Tomorrow I am going to buy myself some new perfume instead of groceries and I’m going to leave them all to fend for themselves until this is acknowledged.

YANBU, make sure you do the same same half arsed approach for Father’s Day, don’t go to much effort anymore.

Also have a word with the kids.

You are an inspiration!

Re making father's day amazing to try to shame him - Oh God, no. I would do literally nothing. He won't get the point, he'll just enjoy the attention and still not care that he made your day shit.

That is shit. My two are adults now but they both make a fuss and reminds younger colleagues to make a fuss. Your DH went out of his way not to bother. Do nothing for Father's Day.

I don’t know - if I do nothing, aren’t I just saying “this is the standard, we do nothing”?
We aren’t really a game playing family, we just
tell each other things. I’m gathering opinions here to see whether my expectations are unreasonable or whether I am justified in saying something or if I’ll come off like a spoilt child.

i don’t think it’s quite reasonable to say my DH “isn’t into me” 😁 we’ve been happily married for over 20 years and have a very happy relationship, it’s only this Mother’s Day where I’m not sure if more could have been done (and the consensus seems to be that it’s more on the kids than him anyway!)

No, you’re saying that you’re not a doormat who will continue giving without expecting anything in return.