This is shit right? Or am I expecting too much?

[Ozgirl76]

It’s Mother’s Day here (Aus) and I feel a bit grumpy about it. In previous years the kids have bought something at school but this year they didn’t have a stall there. They are 12 and 14.
I had mentioned to DH that I would like some fluffy sock slippers and a cosy blanket (winter here!), easy presents right? Very on trend for Mother’s Day. The shops are filled with this stuff.

So we were out doing various things yesterday and then DH and oldest son came home and DH sheepishly said “we couldn’t find you anything”. I looked surprised and said “I’ve literally asked for the most generic gifts going”.
He then went back later, then rang me “what kind of slipper socks did I want” “what kind of blanket was I thinking of?”
I told him “I actually don’t want to micromanage my entire present, so don’t worry about it”.

Come this morning, I had to be up to take the kids to a sport event but not THAT early. DH was still asleep so I went downstairs, made my own cup of tea. He came down 15 mins later “oh we didn’t get to bring you your tea in bed” “well no because I have to get ready now”

Then the kids and I were out, got home at 1.30 and he was out buying stuff for a nice lunch which I then helped prepare (although he mainly did).

So I guess I think - AIBU to think this half arsed attempt is just shit? Or am I unreasonable as he works long hours, I work from home in a pretty cushy job and he probably thinks maybe I don’t need to be made a fuss of because my life isn’t like super hard or anything?

I’m thinking maybe next year to just hand the whole endeavour over to the kids to do - tell them parameters (a nice gift from each, doesn’t need to be pricy but I love all the girly stuff so I am easy as hell to buy for), and say I want a tea and a thanks for literally facilitating everything in their insanely lovely life?

I don’t know. Writing it down maybe I am being a bit princessy about it but I think, would it hurt to have ONE day where the three people in the house show their appreciation of how smooth their life runs because of me?

He won't make the connection and won't see that something you do for him should be reciprocated. Don't do this.

@Fraaances you're a legend!

Ok well we just sat down and I said “boys I think we can agree that the ball was dropped this Mother’s Day? Cards, lovely, presents and general thought - not so much”
i said next year I expected more thought, more planning, much more effort and they looked contrite and sad and promised to do better.

Good for them to know!

If it's any consolation, teenagers can be pretty thoughtless but when they are older they might do something without being reminded or helped and then it will mean so much more.

I remember DH saying that growing up he doesn't remember doing much for Mother's Day. After primary it wasn't mentioned at school, his Dad didn't think to instigate anything and his Mum wasn't one to make a fuss.

But in his early 20s in his first job he noticed Mother's Day coming up. He was living too far away to go home for the weekend so he arranged for some flowers to be delivered. Apparently his mum was so thrilled she cried. The younger brothers, still teenagers and living at home, took notes. From then on Mother's Day was more celebrated in their house!

Oh that’s nice!
we always went out for afternoon tea with my mum, and I would get her some flowers and a card so I’m used to a level of fuss.

They appear to be taking you for granted, so perhaps their lives need to start running slightly less smoothly from now on.

Exactly this.

And his birthday.

And Christmas.

Husband is a knob.

You need to start training your children to show appreciation.

Just tell the children that your Mother's Day will be next Sunday and they can look on that as a second chance to give you the day that they think you deserve.

If they do very little, then you know exactly what they think you deserve and maybe time for their "lovely life" to incorporate a few bumps.

It really is up to them, not your DH.

I agree with OP that doing nothing would not send any message except "this is fine". My DH would really not care if I didn't do anything for Father's Day, and I would like to show the kids how to think about someone else, even if no one else is bothering!

We’re not really a family who expect each other to read minds - I won’t be making my kids life more bumpy or worse because they dropped the ball on one day, what an odd idea.

I just talked to them about it, they listened and they’ll have other times to improve.

The thing is @Ozgirl76, we become “trained” by our own martyrdom to expect zero to low expectations, whilst giving so much of ourselves that the “person” we are is lost and we become a series of functions to facilitate everyone else’s lives. WE teach our family members this stupid idea that we don’t want or think that we deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated.

Just ignore Father’s Day

Well done!

I think a conversation is in order with all of them.

”When it is your birthdays/ Christmas/ Fathers Day and I put in a lot of effort to buy something you like/ make your favourite food/ book your favourite restaurant/ listen to what you have said you would like an organise surprises….. how does that make you feel?”

”Now when it comes to my birthday/ Mothers Day and nobody has bothered to do anything to celebrate it, how does you think that makes me feel?”

You're being completely unreasonable. I couldn't imagine ever being so self obsessed and egotistical that I'd ever think I warranted a gift for being a mother. I can also never imagine asking for a gift from people who obviously don't want to buy me anything, then going in a huffy strop because they haven't appreciated me as much as I think I deserve in my own opinion. If it wasn't so pathetic,.it might almost be amusing 🤨

This . He’s modelled his lack of respect into your two children also .

See you here again next year, when you will be saying, once again, to quote you directly, "This is shit right".

Well that’s one take 😄.
I guess you don’t want birthday presents either “just for being born” or Christmas presents “just because some bloke was born 2000 years ago”?

Still, happy for the unhinged input, so thanks I guess 😅

Well, all three of them did nothing, so doing more was a very low bar. Obviously it bothered you a lot.

You said you just tell each other things, so why didn't you just tell them?

You seem to be saying that by asking for anything at all, however minimal, or expressing even a tiny bit of sadness about being ignored on Mother's Day you might be behaving like a spoiled child.

That does not sound like a fair, equal or healthy dynamic.

Fascinating to see all sides with some people saying “yes, your children should have done more” and some saying “no I wouldn’t expect anything”, some saying “your husband should do more” and others saying “it’s not up to him, it’s up to the kids”

So I don’t think it’s that unusual to be asking what other people would do.

My ideal would be that they would have done things without being asked - but they didn’t, so I told them that they had dropped the ball and I hoped for more than that, and we’ll see what happens in the future.

I won’t be game playing, making their life worse etc but I really like the comment that I ask them how they feel on their special days and to extrapolate that to my day!

You've been married 20 years. Your family should be doing what they do, what works for you and for everyone else in the family, and no need to ask for other people's input after 20 years. It's a very basic and simple concept and very easy to do something nice for a mother on mother's day.

They didn't bother, any of them. You were quite upset about that, and now you are minimising it.

I personally don't give a shiny shit about Mother's Day, but to avoid any hassles or either of them feeling guilty, as they would both feel bad if they did nothing at all for mother's day, I nearly always say to my adult kids please take me out for lunch on this day at this time, and we all go and have a nice natter somewhere cheap and cheerful. Or sometimes I ask them to come over and cook for me instead, and that's lovely too.

But you wanted a gift and a bit of attention, asked for it and got nothing. And now you are minimising it.

Up to you, just pointing it out.