Sporty and kids one

[YourElatedLimeShark]

I have a child aged 10 and diagnosed ASD. Struggles massively socially in new environments and people. But plays a sport they love dearly and I thought was excellent at. Many people telling me lately how much improvement they’ve seen.

it was a club from another village so many there go to school together so was always an outsider so to speak. Yet she persisted despite her often crippling anxiety.

played through the whole league dutifully albeit on the bench for most of half the games.

it was finals recently. She played extremely well in one game. Then the actual final she was benched for the whole thing and was devastated. Thinks the coach thinks nothing of her. (Didn’t help her dad let her down by attending as he had to go to his nieces 11th birthday 🙄 and she thinks he doesn’t love her etc).

I feel it’s such a huge blow to her confidence and self esteem. She was doing so remarkably well.

coach messaged after saying the game was close and hope i understand ’in the name of sport’ or whatever. Actually I don’t understand how when you know a child has ASD and you know how far they’ve come and even promise them they’ll go on next and then just don’t. I’m really upset and cross tbh and can’t shake it. Basically saying you’re not good enough to go on sorry- these other players are.

Thing is, it’s such a toxic environment. And to be honest I struggle to navigate it. If you say something it’s often blown up and spread round.

Not sure what my AIBU actually is but I’m still really sad for my daughter about it. She deserved better 🙃

I’m really sad for your daughter. some sports - well, rugby does anyway - have a rule that players have to have 50% of game play in this age, which is such a nice rule for the kids to all be able to participate.

That approach solves a constant internal debate of mine - how you balance sport being inclusive & for all, versus how you recognise talent & make space for kids to compete. I’ve got kids playing lots of sports & some coaches get it right better than others.

So she was benched for most of the season?
Played more in one game and then benched for the final?
I think it sounds like they don't get much chance to play with this club, and if she wants to continue with them maybe focus on managing expectations as if she is upset over being benched in the final, maybe a reminder that she didn't play in other games either would help and that different people play different games.
Were other children also benched so frequently? Some clubs are better at giving all children a chance whereas others only want the best players, so can you talk to friends and suss out any other teams.

My kids are sporty - football, netball, cricket - and I have seen this sort of thing happen. If your DC is being benched for the whole game on a regular basis then I would definitely leave and find a different club, but if it was a one-off for this one match then it's less obvious if they're generally happy there.

What are the options available locally - could your DC move to a slightly less competitive club, or go down to a lower team within the same club? They might get more match time and gain confidence.

I don't think the ASD makes much difference here tbh. All kids are upset about being left on the bench, whether they're ND or NT.

Sounds like the coach prefers winning over team morale

These initial posts have affirmed my feelings.

Moving her to another club is of course and option but then she would struggle with the change but I can manage it.

And yes, winning was more important to the coach than anything else.

One other child is regularly benched too and was also very upset yesterday.

She played in every game but often only half unless they were short of players.

Sadly very common in some team sports.

It's not clear from your post, but did your DD improve over the corse of the season and got more time planning? Or eas she given play time and only once did she actually do really well?
If it's the former, she's going to have a great next season. If it's the other, I agree, look for another club.

Is she upset because she was benched?

Or is she upset because the coach promised she could go on and then didn't put her on?

Because (speaking as a mum of a DC with ASD) they are 2 different things and need explaining and reacting to differently.

She played well all season and many people commented as such. So I thought we were doing well.

lion cub- she was upset for both reasons to be honest. She is incredibly intelligent and observant for her age and notices how she is treated and the possible reasons why.

My DC started playing a team sports several years after most started.

They only get to play half a game each week and I'm absolutely fine with that. For each half they play somebody else who has played for a lot longer and is more skilled has to come off. My child also understands this and I support and encourage them to improve in order that they may play more.

They also play in a cup and I actually see these games as a coaches perogative. This is the only hance for the team to win something (weekly games are not a points based league). The cup is only a couple of games a season and the coaches still instill a team ethic even if some don't get a game.

Thinks the coach thinks nothing of her. (Didn’t help her dad let her down by attending as he had to go to his nieces 11th birthday 🙄 and she thinks he doesn’t love her etc)

I don’t understand this?

Our coach is very young. She’s very good as her teams do very well and the girls love her. But I feel she lacks compassion and understanding of moral/team spirit. Lots and lots of bitching in her two teams and their parents too.

But I suppose non of that matters as she’s getting results.

Your child will be going to secondary school in September?

Just that it was generally a shit day for her as faced multiple ‘rejections’ from people who should be supporting her.

I totally and utterly took her to do something amazing after this though so lifted her spirits 🙂

At this age, most teams will be focussed on winning rather than “everyone’s a winner” kind of thinking.

it really ramps up, the competitiveness

Exactly… it’s a beautiful day. Lunch out and then something afterwards

but at this age, if she is going to stay in mainstream schools and clubs, she is going to have to start to get used to the fact that winning is often the focus. Whereas when younger…. Much more inclusive

I think I need to start considering this too and changing my perspective to manage her expectations. Thank you.

It's a team sport and this was a final. The coach chose the team that they thought would win the game.

I'd have a word to the coach and ask if they see potential in your child to play more next season. If no, ask what they need to improve. Based on the outcome of this, I'd move clubs or not.

Had this recently with DD 13. Not diagnosed ASD but possibly is-brother is. Totally understand that it needs to be given recognition as children with ASD are far more sensitive and pour their souls into the things they love. I really hope your LO is ok.
Our DD played for a team for years, was there from set-up & absolutely loved it but gradually ended up on the bench more than playing...was ok with it, understood. Some cracking players on the team-think National players in their age group.
Doggedly stuck it out attending training & matches; disappointed after driving an hour to & matches and home when her game time was clearly decreasing week in week out. We didn't spk to coaches, trusting their judgement they didn't spk to us. I wanted her to decide to quit TBH, but she didn't want her team thinking she was letting them down. I didn't want to be the one to pull her out. Catch 20. The fun had definitely gone for her at this stage.
Roll on to a cup final, she was the only child out of a small number on the bench not to play. Was utterly devastated. Felt like she was the only child there who couldn't celebrate the bug win with her team mates. Again no communication or acknowledgement from coaches etc, which actually hurt more than not playing. She decided herself to leave at that point, & we communicated reasons to coaches & were highly critical-DD loved this sport and now had negative experiences, not good for future sport or joining another club. I feel she was really let down, I feel the experience has left a mark and wish I had pulled her out before this event so am cross at myself and I would act sooner if I could do it again.
When I was critical, the coaches apologised, recognised they were so focused on winning hadn't looked at the kids not getting much game time, the wider sporting ethos/team spirit or the fact that kids will never improve if repeatedly sitting on the bench . They have accepted was unfair & not teaching good sportsmanship/team spirit & have changed their approach now, unfortunately too late for DD but hopefully other kids will benefit. I'd speak to coaches earlier if I had to do it again, maybe ask them for a personalised development plan for you child so she has a goal/chance, but don't wait until your DD has been put off permanently. A love of sport needs to be nurtured & encouraged more in girls; they are already overlooked too much in life. No more negative experiences.

A child should get at least 50% playing time according to the FA. There are still coaches who feed their own ego by pushing winning rather than developing children. Find a new club, a better club. My club doesn't have the best Under 10 players but we have teams all the way up to 18. Teams that push winning over all tend to fold in early teens. I'd take your girl on my team, we win by developing happy skilful players.

Do you have a link?

and this won’t be 50% for all age groups and covering matches

Look it up yourself. The FA has a huge amount of information we have to know and wade through. Start with the four quartile model of development.

There's always someone saying they shouldn't have to do what the FA says because winning is more important to them.

ehb102-agreed. When I challenged the coaches involved, they re-checked the guidance and told me I was correct. ALL the kids should have had more gametime. So from here on, that's what he'll do (he says).

@ehb102 you are speaking out of you bottom here!

Completely the wrong thread apologies!!!