To think DSS should have wished me a happy Mother’s Day?

[Lostalongthewaay]

DSS is 17, has lived on and off with us from a baby - he is currently loving between his mums and GF’s. Have a good relationship, or so I thought. I’ve never been able to have children, multiple failed pregnancies and rounds of IVF. Extremely hard journey, which left me trying to take my own life multiple times. I’m still not a peace with it, but I’m finding it easier (sometimes). It’s Mother’s Day in my country today. DSS normally gets me a gift, card or flowers and we generally go out for lunch or
dinner at some point over the weekend. DH is away with work and it’s late afternoon here. AIBU to think it isn’t too much to ask for a HMD text or call? I’m feeling pretty gutted about it, I know I’m not his mum - but I’ve played a huge part in bringing him
up and would just like to be acknowledged for the part I’ve played, which at times was a greater role than his mum.

If anything I've think you've unfortunately been treated like a mum of a teen boy- they're too old to be organised for, but are not the best at being thoughtful/planning/thinking ahead.
Yes, he should have if he has wanted to before and feels that way with you. However it sounds like DH organised SS prior to this.

You’re not his mum even if you have been part of his life, but also
multiple suicide attempts can’t have made for a happy home for the boy

Mutiple suicide attempts can’t of been nice for dss to go through growing up. Unfortunately it sounds like your DH organised it before not dss.

I’d hazard a guess that DH usually prompts him to do something, and with him being away DSS like a typical teenager has just forgotten/not thought. Either that or if he’s currently living with his mum, he might be feeling unsure about the best thing to do/be worried about upsetting her. Be the bigger person and just let it go - it’s pretty certainly not a reflection of how he actually feels about you, your ongoing relationship is more important.

Gently you are not his mum. He has his mum to wish happy Mother's Day to. Sounds like your dh did the organising previously.

He’s a teenager. They can be selfish and extremely self consumed. Try not to take it personally as hard as it is. I’m sure in years to come when he’s a little more mature he will realise the meaning behind the day for you and will be more thoughtful.

@Lostalongthewaayare you in the UK? Just wanted to check as it’s not Mother’s Day here today - it was in March I think. Sorry he’s forgotten - sounds very upsetting especially when he normally remembers you.

He's not going to be able to fill the hole i'm afraid, and he shouldnt be expected to. I suspect your partner did the organising before.

No, you’re not his mum. When he was little someone else probably prompted him too, but now he’s old enough to choose.

I also think you’re just a victim of teenage thoughtlessness/selfishness. I wonder if the card and flowers of previous years was driven by his Dad?
Don’t let it sour your relationship with him.

It does seem that you have invested more meaning in this than is perhaps warranted.
It is obvious that infertility is a very very painful thing for you, but him wishing or not wishing you HMD doesn’t invalidate the relationship you have with him every other day of the year. It can also be complicated for him- is giving you a card in some way a betrayal of his mother?

Sorry OP but that’s a heck of a lot of responsibility to put on a young lad. I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped.

I’ve a 17 year old son and we have a wonderful relationship but it’s still his dad that pushes anything like Mother’s Day. He just doesn’t think.

@daffodil2025 she clarified this twice in her opening post.

I'm so sorry op. It's not a reflection on how he feels about your contributions I'm sure.

I can understand why you’re upset. But do keep in mind it is likely to be sheer thoughtlessness rather than there being any malice in it.

I remember instances of teenage thoughtlessness now, especially towards my parents/step parents and utterly cringe.

I did turn into a fairly thoughtful, normal adult though. I hope my parents don’t recall the times I was a thoughtless twat when young as clearly as I do!

I think you’re taking it too personally too.

Fwiw I never get anything from my DSS, school always helped him make his step dad something which used to sting as his step dad was in and out the family home like the Hokey Cokey abusing drugs and alcohol. But I have always been a constant.

I’ve had a few step mums growing up…..one was lovely, the other 2 were awful. I never even considered getting the lovely one a card or present on Mother’s Day. Although she was lovely, she wasn’t my mum.

I’m a step mum now myself. I have 3 DC of my own and 3DSC. I get on well with all of them, do a lot for them, have been part of their lives for 10+ years but I wouldn’t expect anything from them on Mother’s Day, they have their mum.

I know it can feel a bit mean that you’re not acknowledged but teen boys aren’t the best at remembering their own mums!

Most 17yo boys will barely manage to acknowledge mothers day for their own mum unless prompted to by their dad. If he calls you mum as a kindness, and if he sorted out mothers day things for his actual mum, then he might have thought of getting something for you (but still might have decided not to especially if his mum would feel hurt if he did). If either or both of these aren't the case then I don't think the thought would cross his mind and it's unreasonable to expect it to.

If that's not where you fit in his mental landscape, and giving cards etc on "xxxx day" isn't a cultural expression that he normally participates in without being managed by someone else's pushing, then it's just not going to happen.

Your own life struggles are not on his radar as something that might prompt a more compassionate and generous attitude. The best case scenario is that he barely thinks of these things. He's still a child and you are expecting him to be thinking of your needs and wishes as if he were an adult and counted you among his dearest friends.

Also OP - kindly what has the back story re IVF got to do with your DSS - it’s not his job to be some form of emotional support.

I’m a stepmother and have a good relationship with DSC. On Mother’s Day they usually get me a small ‘bonus’ mum gift BUT this is organised by my DH who asked them if they’d like to get me something. Big card and gift were saved for their mum. I know this isn’t easy but you’re not his mum.

Also saying you’ve played a bigger role than his own mum, I’m sorry op but that’s really not fair on his mum or him you’re putting such a big responsibility on the shoulders of a 17 year old. I’d be pissed off if I was his mum that’s a really unfair comment.

You're putting way too much onto your DSS.

You've clearly had difficulties and deep sadness - it's not his job to make you feel better.

Plan acts of recognition for yourself, and ask your partner to recognise your contribution.

But don't put this onto your DSS.

I’m sorry about your fertility struggles and suicide attempts – sounds really hard. I hope you are getting some support for that, ie therapy.

He isn’t your son but also, he’s a teenager. Teens are massively self-involved. Don’t take it personally.

Bluntly you aren’t his mum. Yes a card would have been nice as they do cards for step mums here in U.K. but know you aren’t in U.K.

but he’s also a teen

sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with and I understand that as multiple failed ivf myself as well

but sounds like he has as well a lot to deal with if you have had multiple attempts on your life. I hope you are having counselling and therapy /support

in the end today is only a day and if a good relationship normally with step son don’t let this sour it

In my experience (2 DCs) no teenager does anything about Mother's Day unless Dad kicks them.

I think that's your explanation OP. His Dad's away. He probably doesn't even know it's Mother's Day.

My own adult son who I have a good relationship with often doesn’t wish me happy mother’s day. Boys can be thoughtless (though ds2 is not and got me some lovely perfume).