Please advise me on DS

[Hellowwq]

Can I please get some advice for my son: he’s become very introverted since starting school and seems upset when I pick him up from school. He’s year 1, aged 6. He’s had issues with one boy since reception let’s call him “Jack” (not real name) Jack got possessive of my son and basically would stop him from playing with others. My son would come home upset, as he wanted to play with other boys but would be physically blocked by jack. I spoke to school many times and seems like they were doing something but in the end they made me feel I was overreacting as the head teacher had a meeting with me and told me my son is consciously choosing Jack every playtime.

I left it and felt maybe I was in fact overreacting. Few other incidents happened. Most recently On Friday I picked my son up and he told be Jack and another boy “Sam” called him a “freak” and told him to go away as they don’t want to play with him.

I tried to be very positive with my son and said that’s actually a good thing (apart from being called a freak which I explained is a very horrible word and they shouldn’t have called him that) as he can now choose a different boy to play with on Monday without being worried about upsetting Jack.

I feel very alone as my DH doesn’t get involved and I’m worried school will be thinking I’m a weirdo who’s overreacting all the time. I have in the past been called by MIL and SIL “too sensitive” and overly emotional, so this all is in my head.

I feel really lost what to do. It’s a small private school with 18 kids in the class so it has 8 other boys in the class.

I have contacted my local authority to see if any places in our catchment schools and I am waiting to hear. Could someone please advise me please? I know private schools are hated by Mumsnet but please don’t hold that against me. I feel so helpless and I am terrified my son will become more and more quieter. He didn’t even want to leave the house today, I tried to get him to go to the park or bike ride but he just wanted to stay home.

Have you had a chat with his teacher ?

@Pancakeflipper ive spoken to teacher about previous stuff but latest incident only happened Friday.

I would be having another chat with the teacher and ask about behaviour at school, has it changed? Relationships with others etc... they can encourage our son to be working with and getting to know other children.

I would assume that the problem of your son becoming upset, introverted and not wanting to leave the house isn’t entirely Jacks fault and looking for other problems.

The behaviour you’ve described from jack although not ideal is normal for that age and not extreme to cause that reaction, especially considering the school aren’t concerned and your son is still seeking him out.

also I do think it’s overreacting to try and move schools without finding out the cause of the problem or trying other solutions first. Also I don’t think putting him in a different school would fix all his problems anyway

that’s so sad, the school should be doing more. don’t listen to anyone who gives you grief about private schooling, everyone should have a choice how they spend their money. i hope things work out well

Thank you. Is there any more advice or insights anyone has? Has anyone been through this themselves with their son and they have managed to turn things around? If do die did you do it?

It's unusual for some schools to admit any fault or problem, so you're right to think you know your child best and that there's an issue. Your son is year 1, so he should be able to talk in more depth about these things. It might help to do gardening, play lego read some books, watch films, anything you're doing together where you can drip in gently some talk about friendship concepts. If he isn't generally being bullied then moving schools is quite extreme, but if there are only 8 other boys then I see why friend options are much more limited. Hopefully when you've talked more with him the situation will be clearer.

@grex can you give me done pointers on what to say? Sorry if it sounds silly but my upbringing was not good and I didn’t have parents who had any considerations of my feelings let alone talk to me so I’m lost on what to say and not to say

The other thing I forgot to add was I’ve asked Jack’s mum for a play date with the boys since the beginning even before I realised there was an issue but she’s always made excuses like she’s busy etc. I’ve suggested some dates and asked what other dates she can do but always says she’s too busy. I know she has arranged play dates with the other mums as there’s always conversations about this in school and then my son hears about it and gets upset why he couldn’t go. Jack seems to like telling my son they all going x and y with the other kids from class and he’s not invited

This was my friend's boy, only she worked in the upper school, so it suited her to have him in prep school.

When it came to yr6, he didn't go to main school he went off to a state school because of the trouble he had had with the boys in his (very small) class.
It was the making of him but she should have pulled him earlier, he was so so miserable.

Get him out of that toxic environment as soon as you can, before they break his spirit entirely.

After my poor sister had a terrible experience being trapped with a bully for years due to there literally being no other girls to play with I am extremely wary of these tiny schools. Parents seem to think having few children on a class is marvellous I really don’t.

We moved next door to a 2/3 class per year primary for our two. Nice deep friendship pool so if someone is horrible there are plenty of other options.

We're all at sea when it comes to trying to extract information from our little people. It only matters that you care, and you know your boy.

Some ideas:
"I noticed you seemed a little quiet/sad after school today. Is everything okay?"
"Did something happen at school that made you feel a little bit down?"
"Did I ever tell you about when I went to school? Sometimes I had issues with my friends, do you ever get that?" (My son likes real but unrelated examples, he then declares it's like something else and pours out what happened)
"Did anything make you feel nervous today?"
"What are the best things about school? And what are the worst things?" (Again maybe start with your day; what was good and bad, showing that you're both open with each other)
"What was lunch like today?... (leading to) Did you sit with anyone at lunch?"
"How was your work today? Was anything hard or confusing?"

Listen more than you talk, give nice long gaps for him to come up with a sentence. Name and validate any feelings and thank him for telling you, rather than leaping to solutions. Ask open questions for that like "Have you thought about what to do about that next time?"

Also be aware that understanding of time isn't great at this age, and stories can take time to filter out. Things like "I didn't play with anyone, I just played buses"... on longer conversation turns into "Sam, Elsie and Jack got on my bus; Pip was on Mo's bus" and the upset was that they got told off for yelling.

Your son is being bullied. The other parent is not going to help, don't try to engage with them.

The school will either admit the problem or deny. Unfortunately some schools deny everything - this is known weakness in the private sector unfortunately.

Put the issue in writing in the simplest terms 'I need to report that my son is being bullied and I would like school to explain what steps they will take to address this.'

But look for other schools. Too many parents waste months and years trying to work with a school in denial. Move to a school that doesn't tolerate bullying.

Regarding this: I didn’t have parents who had any considerations of my feelings let alone talk to me so I’m lost on what to say and not to say the NSPCC, Family Lives and Young Minds all have advice on how to talk with and, importantly, listen to children. There's a lot of books, a well known one is 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. Brilliant that you want to listen to your son, you can learn this.

Agree with this about school size.

Do talk to staff again. Where I work if there are friendship issues and someone is not having good times at break we usually buddy them up with another child and do a rate my play. Staff will also keep more of an eye on them during play.
However to add sometimes the child will gravitate towards a child their parent has specifically said is the issue and they want them to avoid and some children when told to play elsewhere then become upset as they are no longer getting to play with the child they want (even if you explain to them that they don't always have a good break time with that child).
I think it is quite a small group and maybe you should consider looking at state schools, as you will generally have a class of 30 and bigger schools will have two classes per year group so 59 potential friends.
Maybe think about the reasons you chose this particular school and whether the benefits of it (possibly the smaller class size) are still an advantage or not.

Thank you all so much. It’s so lovely and kind of you all that you took your time out of your day to give me such useful advice. @GRex i’ve screenshot your questions, they are amazing thank you so much.

In the back of my mind I keep thinking I’m the issue as if I was friendlier with the mums my son could fit in. I have really tried but I’ve seen the way they silently judge me on my clothes and car. I don’t look as put together as most of them.

@cryinglaughing looking back did your friend have any insights why her son was being bullied? What kind of things would happen to him? I feel the school dismisses anything I say.

In the back of my mind I keep thinking I’m the issue as if I was friendlier with the mums my son could fit in. I have really tried but I’ve seen the way they silently judge me on my clothes and car. I don’t look as put together as most of them. No, this is really unhealthy thinking. You might want to work on your own self-esteem as well as supporting your son. Clothes and car don't matter.

@Hellowwq he was dreadfully unhappy and would tell her what the boys were like.
As she worked there, she spoke with the head of prep and his teacher. The boys in question were "strong" characters apparently and weren't bothered whose feelings they trampled over.

She only kept him in for convenience and because she paid reduced fees. Although she doesn't regret the education he had, she regrets that he was so not himself for so many years.
He now has a great friendship group and doesn't associate with the primary/prep kids.

@cryinglaughing that’s really interesting! The deputy head referred to the other boy as a “strong” character and explained my son is softer gentler so he finds it tough. I’m glad your friends boy is doing better now. Gives me hope! The Prep school he’s in now has a larger intake of kids at year 3 so I’m still thinking of what to do, truthfully I don’t feel we can continue paying up to secondary so I need to think about the next steps. Maybe this is a blessing as if he was happy it would be harder to take him out but considering he’s unhappy I have to consider is it worth spending all our money on his school when he’s not getting much out of it.

In my experience the school will deny everything and strangely even take action that makes the situation worse, like making sure the kids who are bullying have more access to their victim. Your child is already showing signs that this environment is affecting his mental health. I pulled my child out of school for a few years and home schooled but it was about a year before all she recovered from the stress and anxiety

@Happyinarcon what were the signs your child was unhappy? I feel the school minimise everything I say and often laugh at my suggestion he’s being bullied. They have in the past kept pointing out the boys are only 5 or 6. I don’t feel validated by the school

@Hellowwq obviously just from reading your posts I don't know much but it seems to me this school isn't the right place for you and ds. What were the reasons for going there?
I'm not a private school basher. It is horrible when you feel left out in the playground as. a Child and an adult. I have experienced this recently at GDs smaller village school even among the grandmas lol. It seems your ds probably needs a bigger choice of friends to play with; this group is not working. I have a GS the same age who got horribly bullied in Reception literally stamped on his body on occasion, hit every day. He is now home ed such was the trauma.
He likes to go for a walk and will have a good old talk then. He will say well that was good for a wonderful chat!
Maybe your DH could try to have a walk and talk too. So often mum being oversensitive becomes the scapegoat. But as others have said doing things like gardening together can open opportunity to chat.
There are toxic environments and some people thrive in them and others don't.
It's a shame in such a small group more effort isn't made to encourage all to get along.
How was your ds at any settings before he started school ft?💐

It's nothing to do with you, and it isn't helpful for you to add your own self esteem issues in. You are a caring mum, no sensible parent would give two hoots what you're like apart from that when deciding about playdates.

If you're struggling with the costs anyway, then it's best just to move him. You can still get tutors later with the money saved, as well as paying for any extra curriculars he's interested in. We moved our son, though that was due to physical bullying and state to state schools. We pulled him out for the morning to visit the new school and he said he wanted to go there instead. Some things have been great immediately, though a few wobbles along the way in waiting for the place to be confirmed, missing friends (we had a few play dates and a couple of small parties but limited it to reduce the focus), wondering if he would move again etc. It's been fantastic though to see him safe at last, to meet the lovely new friends and to realise that the temporary increase in complaints was actually BECAUSE he was feeling more secure. So if you move him, brace yourself for that. Good luck to you both.

@Luddite26 and @GRex thank you both.