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[lycheetothestar]

I went to a speed dating event last night.

im really proud of myself as it’s the first time and I went alone and actually it was quite fun. Some interesting people and a few slightly odd ones.

I am annoyed with myself as when it ended, the very last person I was talking to asked for my number. You don’t actually need to exchange numbers as you can do it via the website afterwards by choosing who you liked. I wanted to say ‘I’d prefer to do it via the website’ but then I felt uncomfortable so I said ok, and I’m sure he saw I was hesitant. But anyway I gave him my number and I’ve been annoyed the whole evening. It’s showed me I need to work on my boundaries and people pleasing.

anyway this morning, I did send my matches back and put on there no match for him but he’s just messaged me saying “how are you? Did you get back ok last night?”

I know it’s pathetic to ask but what should I reply to shut it down. I feel weirdly exposed by giving my number, and also he was very shady in the 5 min chat about what he did. I’m just feeling quite aggrieved with myself.

Don't reply. Just block him.

Just don’t reply, and do it differently next time.

If you do reply, I fear you might never get rid of Mr Shady! He will see that you’ve put not a match on whatever app you’re using.

Just block him?

Thank you, yes I did, it was lovely to meet however I met with others I felt more of a connection with. I wouldn’t like to pursue this any further.

Block him.

You don’t owe him anything.

You don’t owe him a reply, just block his number

Exactly this. Just block him and don't be cross at yourself. It's harder than some people think to put boundaries in place but you can maybe practise what you'd say next time if it happened again to give yourself the confidence to say no next time

Just block him if you're not feeling it but there could be loads of reasons why he was a "bit shady" when you asked about his job. When I went speed dating I was advised to lie about what I did as I work with children and it might attract paedophile.

He could be a doctor and not want to answer random health questions.

Don’t reply, if he messages again just say “who is this” then tell him wrong number. That was if you come across him again you didn’t block him, it was just a mistake.

Fingers crossed for some matches!!!

Yes. I think my job is a bit public too and I think he can figure out what I do from
my number possibly. Ugh. I am so annoyed with myself. I’ve always put off things like speed dating and online dating for these reasons.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s all a learning process (ie the working on boundaries etc). We’ve all done things we wish we had handled better.
Like you said, you did well and were brave to attend! He’s obviously a bit thick skinned, so it will be fine if you’re a bit blunt now – work out a firm (& polite if you want) message to explain that you prefer to do it through the website, send it, then block his number. Or just block him without replying – it’s up to you and you don’t owe him anything. You can do it! 💪

Thank you everyone! I’ve just blocked him! I plan to go to another one in a few weeks so hope I don’t see him there at that one!

@lycheetothestar trust your gut and just don’t reply. I went to such an event a long time ago and one guy launched himself over the table at me and literally begged ‘just give me a chance! I’m really a good guy! I just need a chance!’. I’ve been put off since then and never attended another again!

This guy reminds me of him (though not so extreme 😅), he’s basically probably been to one of these before and rarely gets matched so he’s circumventing the process. One of the attractions of these events is to avoid any awarkdness by avoiding rejection face to face and getting any matches in the safety of your own home and not having anyone you don’t like pester you for a number.

So don’t feel bad, trust your gut and just ignore as who knows how he’ll be if you engage with him as he may feel entitled to then pester you for a date which will be more stressful and intense.

I'm not sure he did anything wrong? He asked for your number, you gave it to him, he messaged a normal message asking how you were.

It's absolutely fine not to want to pursue anything with him and to work on your own boundaries. That's great. But I don't think he should be vilified.

I also don't agree with blocking/ghosting people for no real reason or without explanation, but apparently that's how the world is now.

He overstepped the boundaries of the event, not you and whilst you wanted to state your preference for waiting for site matches before exchanging details he sprung the question on you and it is understandable to have felt awkward face to face.

Ignore and block him and his special entitlement to immediate responses at an organised event where he thinks the rules don't apply to him!!! 📵 Always handy when they wave their red flags early!🚩

Hope you get match notifications and if not, you've got your response ready for any flag waving, oversteppers next time. 🙂

Could you message to say: Eh? Not sure what you are talking about. I think you have the wrong number.

Or more direct: great to meet you! It was a fun evening but I don’t think we’re a good match. All the best

But why? Why lie and make him think someone has given him a fake number?

Why would asking for a number at a dating event and sending a polite message be a red flag?

Does nobody just communicate normally?

I do feel a bit like this is correct. However, I think I just didn’t feel it/felt a bit off and then my hesitation and he didn’t seem to pick up on it. And then I have message through the website to say no match but then I got this WhatsApp. It just feels a bit i don’t know.

its definitely a lesson learned for next time!

Yes this is perfect and what I would do.

I also don't agree with blocking/ghosting people for no real reason or without explanation, but apparently that's how the world is now.

OP isn’t cutting off a relative or dear old friend. She met this man for a few minutes. What do you think she owes him?

Yes, that’s why I suggested something else too. I just thought better to say something than just block

I agree. He’s chanced his arm asking for the OP’s number and she’s given it to him. He’s seen that as a green light to message her - I don’t see he’s done anything wrong at all.

Although I wouldn’t have given my number to a man I didn’t want to contact me in the first place, if I did get a message and wasn’t interested I’d just send a polite ‘thanks but no’ reply

I’d only block if he didn’t take no for an answer.

Think the lesson for OP is don’t give out your number if you don’t want to be contacted by that person.

Younger me would have replied with sorry think you have the wrong number! Older me would say sorry but I don’t feel comfortable giving my number at this stage and would prefer to go
the website.

Op when you say what you do for work is a bit public and he could figure it out by having your number, do you mean if he put your number into a search online it’d bring up public pages about you? If it’s a number you also use for work and would come up with more info about you and your job online, I’d definitely be wary of giving it out. Especially if it had workplace addresses etc. Might be worth getting a cheap sim and phone for future dating if it’s a work number and would come up online.

Yes, i think this is exactly what I should do.

i am wondering if I should also make up my profession - but then isn't that just starting any potential friendship/relationship based on a lie.

this is really a minefield!

The one thing I have learnt is to be much more bold at saying, I prefer to message through the app and not feeling guilty/responsible for others' feelings!