It’s likely that my DD (17 months) might have autism. Will she be able to lead a somewhat normal life?

sha160528 · 2025-05-09T21:41:48+00:00

Hi, Not really an AIBU but posted here for traffic My DD is 17 months and after a visit from the HV and Early Years Worker today, I was told that it is likely that DD will receive an Autism diagnosis at some point in her life - she didn’t say it’s a definite diagnosis but based on her observations and the test she did - it is likely especially as her dad is Autistic too. I didn’t get that much guidance in regards to what this will mean for DD. I guess as DD is still quite young it’s hard to say, but I’ve just had a little cry as I worry about what this means for DD long-term. Will she make meaningful friendships? Will she be bullied? What if she’s discriminated in the world of work? What if people try to use her for their own gain? Etc I am willing to engage in whatever help I can give to her but I worry about the future for her and I know no one can say exactly where she’ll sit on the spectrum but I feel like I’m mourning the loss of the life my DD could’ve had (I don’t have anything against Autism but both her dad and my sister have experienced the above negative feelings of rejection etc in society) and it worries me

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:44

The brain is an amazing organ. Don’t let Bauer’s hold your child back. You just have to be the one that takes your child forward in life.

RubyTuesday10 · 09/05/2025 22:45

Can I ask what evidence there is for autism? Think it might help people to know how to respond.

steff13 · 09/05/2025 22:46

Does her dad lead a "somewhat normal life?"

ninjahamster · 09/05/2025 22:47

I’m autistic. Autism has not held me back, but poor mental health has.

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/05/2025 22:47

I think everyone has hopes and dreams for their children and it’s difficult to accept that those might have to be changed.

She’s still your precious child and you will love and care for her and give her the best chances you can, whatever her abilities, her personality and her relationships. Not every child is going to be a stellar achiever, but that doesn’t mean they are less loved.

You will adapt to your daughter’s needs, whatever they may turn out to be.

Original poster

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 22:51

Bluevelvetsofa · 09/05/2025 22:47

I think everyone has hopes and dreams for their children and it’s difficult to accept that those might have to be changed.

She’s still your precious child and you will love and care for her and give her the best chances you can, whatever her abilities, her personality and her relationships. Not every child is going to be a stellar achiever, but that doesn’t mean they are less loved.

You will adapt to your daughter’s needs, whatever they may turn out to be.

This is the best way to put it.

I love her no less. After the HV and EYW left I hugged her and told her that I’d make sure she gets all the support she can and that I’m with her every step of the way (although she probably had no clue what I’m on about) but I never want her to feel like she’s a burden to me or that she’s been a disappointment to me as my partner has felt that feeling through it his life

OP posts:

TaggieO · 09/05/2025 22:53

17 months is very early to point to an autism diagnosis, especially in girls - what signs are they identifying?

BusMumsHoliday · 09/05/2025 22:54

Some people with autism have meaningful, fulfilling, happy lives with strong social connections. Some people without autism don't have these things. Your DH, for example, might have suffered rejection (and who hasn't?) but he's also ended up with a lovely wife and child.

I'm not trying to minimise the struggles of autistic people. My DH and DS are autistic, so I know that even happy, successful autistic people have real struggles NT people do not. But no one knows what lives any of their children are going to have - that loss of control is part of parenthood.

I commented on your last post along with others saying that it doesn't sound as definite as the HV sounds in your account. I do wonder whether she was that definite? Most professionals are very reluctant to say anything about a diagnosis unless they are qualified to do so - they will limit themselves to describing a child's needs and delays.

Original poster

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 22:54

@steff13to be honest. On the surface it might seem like it. But he really struggles with money management (he has ADHD and Autism) has a short social battery and avoids social interactions at all costs, struggles to express his feelings and often withdraws, struggles with multi tasking, organisation, routine, he struggled a lot at school and in the world of work he has struggled too, OCD behaviours, rituals and soothing behaviours too and they have impacted our relationship at times but I’ve had a lot of patience with him as my sister has autism and there are qualities that I love about him which made me fall in love with him.

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Tikeahulilly · 09/05/2025 22:56

I know this isn't your question but after 13 years of being a mum and everything being somewhat OK in life it all came crashing down quite spectacularly when my 3rd and youngest child was in y3 and 7. If I could have learnt and parented from an earlier age to meet his needs i would give anything.

17months means you have time to learn to parent to his needs, help and mold... and also give yourself time to learn l. Make mistakes and adjust.

You will be amazing and so will he

Take care xx

MirrorMirror1247 · 09/05/2025 23:00

I'm autistic, but didn't get a diagnosis until I was 34. I won't lie, I didn't have the best time at school, I was bullied most of the way through it, although it wasn't so bad towards the end as the bullies left as soon as they could and I stayed on for 6th year (Scotland). I did have a few friends but never really felt like I had a friendship group.

Nowadays, I have a full time job, I own my own flat and car, I've even been married. Admittedly I'd like more of a social life, but I'm working on going to organised events and meeting more people.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 09/05/2025 23:00

My autistic DD is having a ball in her first year at uni, not going to lie it took a good while to find their tribe at school, around year 9 but since then has soared

Original poster

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:01

@RubyTuesday10she doesn’t point at all, when they called her name she didn’t respond at all - although with me she responds 50/50. If she’s busy/occupied she won’t respond but if she’s doing something she should be or isn’t as distracted she’ll respond. When asked to give the dolly milk or brush her hair she didn’t do it, she just walked around with the brush in her hand - when we play together she’ll give the dolly milk when I tell her to (again sometimes she might not do this) the only real answers that she scored ‘typical’ for were the fact that she makes eye contact, maintains it and does smile. The other things I listed above she scored ‘atypical for’.

The EYW led the above assessment and she said ‘based on the answers for this assessment it is likely that your daughter will receive an autism diagnosis at some point’.

She did at one point mention that some children have scored similar to DD and then gone on to have more ‘typical’ behaviours than ‘atypical’ but from how she was talking it felt as though she thought that DD will receive a diagnosis at some point

OP posts:

Nurseryquestions86 · 09/05/2025 23:02

Haven't you already posted about this?

fedup1212 · 09/05/2025 23:02

TaggieO · 09/05/2025 22:53

17 months is very early to point to an autism diagnosis, especially in girls - what signs are they identifying?

Not really there’s lots of literature out there now that says toddlers do show quite clear signs of autism from a young age.

My 18m old did (she’s now two), strange hand movements, no speech, no understanding, obsessed with spinning anything she could, mouths everything, doesn’t seem to acknowledge people, didn’t respond to name, difficult to engage with…

Original poster

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:03

@Nurseryquestions86i posted asking what next steps would be on that. This is more about other peoples experiences of themselves/their children and what their outcomes have been like

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Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere · 09/05/2025 23:05

My DC is autistic. My answer is that it depends you mean by “normal”. There’s every reason to think my DC can lead a happy and productive adult life, probably independently. It might well look different to many other people’s though because his skills and what he finds fulfilment in differs from most people and that’s ok. I suspect twenty years ago he’d have been undiagnosed and probably called difficult or naughty - I’m hoping that knowing about his autism as a young child means he’s been well supported growing up, understands himself better than he otherwise would have done and has had every opportunity to succeed as an adult - whatever that looks like for him.

At the moment he’s happy and doing well at school and has good NT and ND friends. He’s had some very hard periods, especially as a younger child, and he has difficult days still. But for the most part we have a happy family life and I am hopeful it will continue. It’s nothing like the awful scenarios I pictured when he was two and autism was first raised with me.

Peawhack · 09/05/2025 23:05

I’m 31, autistic, I work full time in project/process improvement. I’m engaged. I own my own home and have a dog. I’m happy and thriving.

i was bullied a lot in school and I don’t have many friends at all, but everyone describes me as nice, kind and warm hearted. So I’m happy with that.

id say I live a normal life, I’ve adapted things to make my life easier and my world may be smaller than other people my age. But I’m happy.

teksab · 09/05/2025 23:07

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:01

@RubyTuesday10she doesn’t point at all, when they called her name she didn’t respond at all - although with me she responds 50/50. If she’s busy/occupied she won’t respond but if she’s doing something she should be or isn’t as distracted she’ll respond. When asked to give the dolly milk or brush her hair she didn’t do it, she just walked around with the brush in her hand - when we play together she’ll give the dolly milk when I tell her to (again sometimes she might not do this) the only real answers that she scored ‘typical’ for were the fact that she makes eye contact, maintains it and does smile. The other things I listed above she scored ‘atypical for’.

The EYW led the above assessment and she said ‘based on the answers for this assessment it is likely that your daughter will receive an autism diagnosis at some point’.

She did at one point mention that some children have scored similar to DD and then gone on to have more ‘typical’ behaviours than ‘atypical’ but from how she was talking it felt as though she thought that DD will receive a diagnosis at some point

OP, you've literally described my 19 month old there and autism hasn't been mentioned once. I think it's very odd for them to say they'll likely have a diagnosis of autism based on those things at 18 months.
Mine doesn't point, doesn't talk, doesn't always respond- sometimes does they're not distracted, doesn't do things if I ask them to (not sure if it's a lack of understanding or a lack of cooperation!)

Aitchemarsey · 09/05/2025 23:08

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:01

@RubyTuesday10she doesn’t point at all, when they called her name she didn’t respond at all - although with me she responds 50/50. If she’s busy/occupied she won’t respond but if she’s doing something she should be or isn’t as distracted she’ll respond. When asked to give the dolly milk or brush her hair she didn’t do it, she just walked around with the brush in her hand - when we play together she’ll give the dolly milk when I tell her to (again sometimes she might not do this) the only real answers that she scored ‘typical’ for were the fact that she makes eye contact, maintains it and does smile. The other things I listed above she scored ‘atypical for’.

The EYW led the above assessment and she said ‘based on the answers for this assessment it is likely that your daughter will receive an autism diagnosis at some point’.

She did at one point mention that some children have scored similar to DD and then gone on to have more ‘typical’ behaviours than ‘atypical’ but from how she was talking it felt as though she thought that DD will receive a diagnosis at some point

None of that seems massively conclusive. I'm not sure my son would give a dolly milk if a random woman asked him to...

I've taught many autistic children. The range in behaviours, skills and challenges is vast. Some kids I didn't realise were autistic until I read their info. Others were very obvious in all their behaviour.

jetlag92 · 09/05/2025 23:11

I don't think anyone here could answer that as it's a huge range within the learning disability spectrum.

Growuppeople · 09/05/2025 23:12

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:01

@RubyTuesday10she doesn’t point at all, when they called her name she didn’t respond at all - although with me she responds 50/50. If she’s busy/occupied she won’t respond but if she’s doing something she should be or isn’t as distracted she’ll respond. When asked to give the dolly milk or brush her hair she didn’t do it, she just walked around with the brush in her hand - when we play together she’ll give the dolly milk when I tell her to (again sometimes she might not do this) the only real answers that she scored ‘typical’ for were the fact that she makes eye contact, maintains it and does smile. The other things I listed above she scored ‘atypical for’.

The EYW led the above assessment and she said ‘based on the answers for this assessment it is likely that your daughter will receive an autism diagnosis at some point’.

She did at one point mention that some children have scored similar to DD and then gone on to have more ‘typical’ behaviours than ‘atypical’ but from how she was talking it felt as though she thought that DD will receive a diagnosis at some point

Seriously? I’m asking because my child’s turning two and does none of that!? Why are you so sure at this age why does it matter they are who they are. Just enjoy it!

coxesorangepippin · 09/05/2025 23:14

She's 17 months

Hold back on the labels for the minute

Original poster

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 23:14

@Growuppeoplebecause the waiting lists for these things are so long and the earlier the intervention the more likely they are to benefit from it so I’d rather be proactive as my DH didn’t get the help and has struggled throughout his life. I would rather her not struggle in the same ways he has

OP posts:

Anon501178 · 09/05/2025 23:15

sha160528 · 09/05/2025 22:51

This is the best way to put it.

I love her no less. After the HV and EYW left I hugged her and told her that I’d make sure she gets all the support she can and that I’m with her every step of the way (although she probably had no clue what I’m on about) but I never want her to feel like she’s a burden to me or that she’s been a disappointment to me as my partner has felt that feeling through it his life

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Sounds like you're just the sort of mummy a child with SEN needs....I'm sure with you by her side doing your best for her, meeting her every need and fighting her corner she will flourish.
My DD was referred aged 4 (diagnosed at 7 with ASD) and it was hard to take initially when we were told she was behind in various areas.It is a shock to hear people say your child might have a disability.
But we are in a society alot better geared up to understand and support neurodiversity now (that's not to say you won't have to advocate for her rights and needs to be met on occasions!)
You may have a challenging road ahead and it's understandable you feel daunted by that, but just try not to pre-empt or assume the future as she is still very young.