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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wouldn’t have been said to a man?

41 replies

Tulelpg · 09/05/2025 20:34

Or am I being unfair?

Work meeting with senior manager regarding a client. Towards the end of the meeting he asked how I was finding being back from maternity leave (been back around 10 weeks). I said all was going well, and hopefully he thought the same, to which he said ‘no issues but it would I be good to see some personality.’

I didn’t know what to say as I’ve always been very sociable at work but maybe I’m not as fun as I was before having a child. I can’t stop feeling like it wouldn’t have been said to a man though. AIBU?

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/05/2025 20:36

What a rude arsehole. No, I bet he wouldn't have said it to a man.

BakelikeBertha · 09/05/2025 20:39

No, I agree, there's no way he'd have said this to a man, did you not ask him what he meant by that OP?

ruethewhirl · 09/05/2025 20:39

'Personality'? WTAF? He's bang out of order.

Sounds like he's one of these employers who would advertise for a 'bubbly receptionist'... 😒

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 20:39

"I'd love to see you lead by example Bob."

Evaka · 09/05/2025 20:41

Not sure it's gendered. I (f) have given feedback to a man in my team that he'd benefit from bringing a bit more personality/spark into his presentation style. He was being a bit stiff/formal and relaxed more into client presentations after that feedback. Could it be as straightforward as that?

SelinaPlace · 09/05/2025 20:42

It depends. Did you ask him what exactly he meant?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/05/2025 20:43

That’s incredibly rude and undermining

No idea if he’d have said if to a man, but I would really think about giving him a bollocking, or asking HR to give him a slap

Youcalyptus · 09/05/2025 20:46

it's also a poor management approach. Where is the curiosity as to why you might not be feeling full of personality? How's it feeling being back in terms of balancing your new life responsibilities? My first year back after mat leave I was getting 3 hours sleep a night, it was worse than newborns, and I really appreciated the peer support group foe new parents we had. Being told to cheer up and roll out my sparkling personality would have got him a smack round the chops.

Shadowsunray · 09/05/2025 20:51

What a prick. You are there to do your job not to put on a show to entertain people.

SilenceInside · 09/05/2025 20:52

I also think he would have been unlikely to say that to a man. What does it even mean? What sort of “personality” does he want you to demonstrate and why would that help in the workplace?

Original poster
Tulelpg · 10/05/2025 05:17

Thanks, it felt like I needed to perform in some way for him. I did ask at the tune what he meant and he just repeated it in a slightly different way, saying he just couldn’t see any personality.

OP posts:
nomas · 10/05/2025 05:30

Ugh is this about alcohol? Is there a drinking culture and are you seen as boring because you don’t to go for drinks after work as often? If yes, that’s awful.

My DH has hired a male direct report and comments have been made by the wider team that he’s quiet and not very talkative, especially with clients.

I think it depends on the team you work in. I wouldn’t be able to work in marketing for example, I don’t get my energy from it and I can imagine that the team would find me reserved.

Walkden · 10/05/2025 05:31

Curious why you think it wouldn't be said to a man.

Men are often very forthright with each other except in situations which have risk of physical escalation which there isn't here...

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 10/05/2025 05:40

Walkden · 10/05/2025 05:31

Curious why you think it wouldn't be said to a man.

Men are often very forthright with each other except in situations which have risk of physical escalation which there isn't here...

It seems like the equivalent of the obnoxious "Smile!" that women get in the street from men. Like we have to please them by looking friendly. They'd never ever tell a bloke that, they couldn't care less whether another bloke smiles. So even women's expressions are policed

BlondiePortz · 10/05/2025 05:48

I can't seehow it would only be said to a woman but ot is MN so if somome asked for batteries for their work mouse people would make that sexist

Anything can be gendered if you look for it

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 05:56

Many years ago, I was an EA working for a huge corporate, client facing. It was a time when 'smart casual' wasn't yet a workplace thing and both women and men in this type of job wore business suits. It was annual review time and one of my managers couldn't find anything about my work to give constructive feedback on so instead he criticised my outfits, saying I wore too much navy and black! This also would not have been said about a male worker as they only ever wore navy, black or grey suits. Luckily my supervisor saw right through him and told him he was only supposed to be critiquing my work, not my clothes, and pointed out in my favour that I was always smartly dressed at work. Such a bastard!

Goingoutofmymind25 · 10/05/2025 05:56

O don't think it was sexist, but what does your boss even mean by see some personality? I would be confused to be honest.

Rabidbunnyrabbit · 10/05/2025 05:59

What @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta said.

Traumatise them back.
One time I replied, "my favourite auntie died last night". Should have seen his face! The fact that it was true took any satisfaction out of it though.

Try it. Imagine the worst thing and blurt it out. Doubtful if they would learn their lesson but you don't know if you don't try.

OP.
I can see why you are aggravated with him. That was a rather personal comment. I'd find it difficult to say if it did come from a sexist place but the mentioning of maternity leave first seems a touch suspect. I think it was rude and uncalled for, even if it was not pure sexism.

CurlewKate · 10/05/2025 06:00

Walkden · 10/05/2025 05:31

Curious why you think it wouldn't be said to a man.

Men are often very forthright with each other except in situations which have risk of physical escalation which there isn't here...

Depends on the job, I suppose. Butlin’s Redcoat? Yep-would be said to a man or a woman. Data Analyst? Less so.

gannett · 10/05/2025 06:41

I think client-facing work always has this danger built into it. You say you're not as fun as before... I'm guessing you have less time and energy for client drinks that stretch on into the evening, going along with whatever spontaneous fun the client thinks of, less energy to laugh at their bad jokes?

There's an element of sexism because in the corporate world the clients you have to please are frequently boring middle-aged men who like to drink. I used to work in a company with a client-facing section (I wasn't in it, thank god) and the new young female employees there struggled with similar criticism. But so did one guy who didn't feel comfortable in that hard-drinking, very laddish scene and he got pulled up for it too (and basically changed his entire career because of it).

Kneenightmare · 10/05/2025 06:55

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 20:39

"I'd love to see you lead by example Bob."

Nailed it. Love this response.

rwalker · 10/05/2025 06:57

Just sounds like normal feedback about engagement and presentation skills when dealing and presenting to a client

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 07:29

I think this is unlikely to be said to a man or a woman. It’s so inappropriate and ridiculous

rwalker · 10/05/2025 10:01

TheIceBear · 10/05/2025 07:29

I think this is unlikely to be said to a man or a woman. It’s so inappropriate and ridiculous

I don’t get why it’s inappropriate or ridiculous
when dealing with clients it’s important to build a rapport with them

basic customer service skills are all out engagement, expressions ,tone ,mannerisms and body language

so I’d presume being told to bring some personality into it is a polite way of saying liven it up

SwanOfThoseThings · 10/05/2025 10:15

"Fuck off, Bob. Does that show enough personality for you?"