To still be grieving not having a third child?

[Puzzlepeony]

Since deciding not to have a third child (after a miscarriage last year), I’ve felt completely lost and a bit purposeless. I’m starting to wonder if this has tipped into depression.

The whole TTC/pregnancy/new baby phase gave me such a strong sense of becoming - something about it brought meaning, drive, direction. And now that chapter’s closed, even though I have two wonderful children and a very full-on parenting job, I feel like I’m grieving. It's not just the child I lost - it's the child I’ll never have.

I’m 35, and looking ahead I just see the teenage years, then an empty nest. I work alone and for myself, so it’s quite isolating. I have friends and supportive family, but still feel like nothing brings real joy. I’ve been trying to ‘get myself back’ - socialising more (though drinking makes me feel anxious and low), looking after my body (even had a tummy tuck after severe diastasis recti and multiple hernias from pregnancy) - but even that left me feeling trapped. Like the surgery closed the door for good. Every time I try something to feel better, it backfires and I feel worse.

DH is supportive but works long hours, commutes, and is asleep when the kids are. We love each other, but I’ve even had moments of questioning monogamy - told him honestly, would never cheat - but I think I’m just constantly searching for something. Meaning? Escape?

There are lots of reasons we’ve decided not to go for a third:

• DH and I aren’t equally keen (though he’d go along with it if I pushed)
• I have enough emotional and physical energy for the two I have - I’d be stretched thin with three
• They’re 2 and 5, and need so much from me already
• Pregnancy, hair loss, weight gain, no sleep - it all took a toll
• We could afford it, but it would be tight
• I worry three would change the dynamic - we’d be outnumbered, the house would be chaos, and the life admin would be endless
• I was one of three, and someone was always left out
• What if there were a health issue and the other two lost out?

But the reasons I do want a third feel rooted in fear. Fear that my two won’t be close when they’re older. That they’ll move far away. That I won’t be a grandmother. That I’ll be left behind. I know those aren’t good reasons to have another baby. And I know I can’t use children to plug emotional holes.

The truth is, I don’t really want another child now - not to raise, not to go through it all again. But I can’t shake the sadness, the feeling that something’s missing. I’ve got a therapy appointment soon and I’m considering antidepressants, but I just feel so flat and directionless.

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you get through it? What do you do with the grief when your family is complete but your heart hasn’t caught up?

I won’t be having a third for similar reasons. Mine are 5 and 8. I still would like another but the urge isn’t as strong as it was when they were younger. Plus there are a few mums in my circle who have gone for a third and they are knackered. I’m almost getting my life/body/ sleep back.

Thank you for replying. It’s good to hear that the urge isn’t as strong. What’s it like now - more wistful? Did you go through anything similar to this after you had made your decision?

This is how I felt when I decided to stop at just one. I went and got a tubectomy so I couldn’t have any “accidents” in the heat of ovulation… it’s not really a feeling that goes away, except for during moments when I’m completely overwhelmed with DD. I just try to summon that overwhelm whenever I’m sad about not having more children, and remember the logical reasons for stopping.

hugs, and best of luck

Every life stage has to end eventually you need to move on to the next one. Plus they don’t stay babies. When they are 13 and 15 you will be glad.

Having gone through most stages of life now OP, I can only tell you that whatever your hopes for your children, they will likely to do something totally different. If they don't get on, they don't get on, many siblings don't, and having a third one would certainly not have given you any guarantees.

I've passed the age where my kids have flown the nest, and it is hard when it first happens, but the most important thing to do in my opinion, is to look after your relationship with your DH for the whole of your kids lives. That way, when they do move away or go off and do their own thing, you'll still have each other, and won't have grown apart due to you spending all your time focused on the kids, and him spending all his time focused on his job, which so often happens.

As far as feeling low, do please go and get some anti-depressants, there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing a little help from time to time, and you're not doing your kids, yourself, or your DH any favours by feeling low all the time. Far better to pop a pill once a day, and feel able to cope with whatever life throws at you in my opinion.

OP, I don’t think a third child would solve any of these feelings. They would only resurface. You owe it to your existing children to work yourself out of this – dedicated therapy and medication.

Your third-last paragraph sounds like the crux of it. You have plugged emotional holes with childbearing. Now that can no longer be the case, and you’re face to face with your own unadorned, undistracted reality. I think that’s perfectly normal, nothing to panic about, but something to sit with. Therapy would help.

I have 2 children who are adults in their 20/30's. I desperately wanted a third child, so badly my partner and I ended up in couple counselling. It took many years for me to reconcile I would not have a third. Looking back I realise I wanted a third as I lost a baby twenty weeks into a pregnancy. This was followed by a traumatic birth of my son and severe post natal depression.
However, it does not stop me from thinking what may have been🤔. (My partner and I are still together).

Going against the grain here but I would say don’t live with regret if you can afford it and both of you are in agreement to have another
I absolutely knew I was done with 2 but I definitely didn’t with one although it was against the odds that we could have a second (she was a little miracle after a big gap).

I don't mean to sound patronising, but are sure you aren't still mourning the loss of your baby? I've never been in this situation myself, but I can imagine that closing the door on the possibility after a loss must feel like a double loss.

You aren't at all unreasonable - you feel the way you feel and sometimes we can't just rationalise those feelings away, even when they're based on sound decisions. Have you considered some counselling? You sound pretty astute and (sorry to use this phrase but I cant think how else to word it) in touch with your emotional and thought process in that you understand what's behind your fear, but maybe an outside perspective could help you deal with those fears and maybe uncover some other drivers that you could address?

It’s OP interesting because I have a couple of friends who were one of three and they all have a very strong sense of how important three siblings are. They have both struggled with accepting having 2 kids, be it because of fertility issues or practical reasons. Just remember that the family you have created is unique and you do not need to repeat your own childhood in order to have a lovely family with your own children. You can take the best bits of your childhood family and create new and lovely memories with your own DC’s.

I think you still have grief from your miscarriage and maybe this is what is making you feel incomplete 😪 I dont think another baby will fix your grief. Maybe you could make a tiny remembrance for your baby in your garden? Your tummy tuck has brought about feelings of finality, in a now you are "definitely done" having kids sort of way . It's completely normal to feel like this. Hopefully the feelings will pass.

Thanks everyone.

I could have another but I think it would be selfish, I think my parenting would be compromised. I’m also so worried that my low mood will somehow be affecting the children although I try so so hard to mask it. So I feel stuck in such a bind.

I totally agree I plugged emotional holes with childbearing and now I’m sat facing reality. I just don’t know how to deal with that.

I’m sure some of what you’re saying is probably true, I just obviously need to get out of this for the sake of my family and I’m asking for advice on how to do that.

Ok then…

You had a miscarriage, that's a huge loss. Have you had some therapy to deal with that loss? I think it could be that loss that is leading to you feeling you are missing something.
It sounds like you're very anxious about the future to rather than enjoying the here and now. You will grow with your children, every stage brings its own joys and challenges. Their independence is a very gradual process and you will start finding more meaning in other parts of your life as they get older. They will feel like your whole world now because they are so young and so dependent on you but that will gradually change.

I felt like you probably when my two were a similar age; on reflection some of it was that I’d spent 10 years with a purpose - career, engagement, marriage, house, child 1 then child 2 and I wa literally like so what now? What’s my purpose now?
ive definitely found though since my youngest started school that im glad i didnt have a third as im really enjoying this stage of parenting and im getting back a bit of my time and my own identity. I started a qualification through work that has given me a bit of a sense of purpose too and I suspect that’s helped

It honestly doesn't sound like you really want another child. The reason you're giving for wanting one don't sound rooted in grief or want, but in depression and restlessness. I say that as a parent of four, which took nine pregnancies to achieve.

I'd suggest antidepressants and counselling. You have a two and five year old, that's a hard stage to be in. I don't think you know what you want right now. But you have time to think about it. Get be it a year, maybe two, take some time to work on yourself.
It will become clearer and you'll know.

I think you should sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Too often we panic at negative, complicated, messy emotions and think ‘Oh, something’s wrong! Must solve it!’ It’s ok just to feel them for a bit. You’ll learn stuff about yourself, and what your next steps might be.

I've been where you are except the decision to stop at two came after three miscarriages. It took time and some therapy to help me cope with the grief of the miscarriages and the loss of a third I desperately wanted.

As my two have moved onto the primary stage I have come to accept and embrace having two and the advantages of not having that third. There are moments of what ifs but also the realisation that the life we lead and what we can give the two we have would also be different with a third.

It took some time though and life felt meaningless and bleak and I felt I'd failed for a while. But now I'm definitely content and enjoying this stage. Empty nest terrifies me but I'd have that even if we had managed a third.

Thanks everyone. Maybe if I try and sit with the feeling it’ll at some point give me some answers, but I’ve been trying to do this since October half term when we made the decision and it’s just getting worse, I’m scared of how much worse it could get. Maybe antidepressants is the answer but I’m worried they’re just a plaster and will numb me and prevent me from figuring things out.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to talk about their experiences as I know this could be churning up difficult memories.

October half term is very little time ago, though. The decision won’t have really started to settle yet. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just looking at a different reality, having stepped off a particular merry go round.

I always decided 2 was enough. Honestly you don’t sound like you want one for the right reasons and I do wonder if you are depressed. Plugging an emotional gap with a new baby is an awful idea and your other two children are so young and need you lots so worrying about empty nest syndrome and not being a GM is in the distant future and may never happen. Get some therapy and or medication and reconsider in a few years time.