To still be grieving not having a third child?

[Puzzlepeony]

Since deciding not to have a third child (after a miscarriage last year), I’ve felt completely lost and a bit purposeless. I’m starting to wonder if this has tipped into depression.

The whole TTC/pregnancy/new baby phase gave me such a strong sense of becoming - something about it brought meaning, drive, direction. And now that chapter’s closed, even though I have two wonderful children and a very full-on parenting job, I feel like I’m grieving. It's not just the child I lost - it's the child I’ll never have.

I’m 35, and looking ahead I just see the teenage years, then an empty nest. I work alone and for myself, so it’s quite isolating. I have friends and supportive family, but still feel like nothing brings real joy. I’ve been trying to ‘get myself back’ - socialising more (though drinking makes me feel anxious and low), looking after my body (even had a tummy tuck after severe diastasis recti and multiple hernias from pregnancy) - but even that left me feeling trapped. Like the surgery closed the door for good. Every time I try something to feel better, it backfires and I feel worse.

DH is supportive but works long hours, commutes, and is asleep when the kids are. We love each other, but I’ve even had moments of questioning monogamy - told him honestly, would never cheat - but I think I’m just constantly searching for something. Meaning? Escape?

There are lots of reasons we’ve decided not to go for a third:

• DH and I aren’t equally keen (though he’d go along with it if I pushed)
• I have enough emotional and physical energy for the two I have - I’d be stretched thin with three
• They’re 2 and 5, and need so much from me already
• Pregnancy, hair loss, weight gain, no sleep - it all took a toll
• We could afford it, but it would be tight
• I worry three would change the dynamic - we’d be outnumbered, the house would be chaos, and the life admin would be endless
• I was one of three, and someone was always left out
• What if there were a health issue and the other two lost out?

But the reasons I do want a third feel rooted in fear. Fear that my two won’t be close when they’re older. That they’ll move far away. That I won’t be a grandmother. That I’ll be left behind. I know those aren’t good reasons to have another baby. And I know I can’t use children to plug emotional holes.

The truth is, I don’t really want another child now - not to raise, not to go through it all again. But I can’t shake the sadness, the feeling that something’s missing. I’ve got a therapy appointment soon and I’m considering antidepressants, but I just feel so flat and directionless.

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you get through it? What do you do with the grief when your family is complete but your heart hasn’t caught up?

DH and I also deliberated over having a third for a couple of years. We decided not to in the end but I would say that decision does take some acceptance and getting used to. Just because it was the best decision for us in the end doesn't mean that there isn't a little bit of us disappointed or sad that we aren't going to have a third. Occasionally I have a twinge of sadness about it, but it doesn't rule my life nor do I think we made the wrong decision.

I am a few years on now (DC are 10 and 7). I couldn't quite imagine what this time was going to be like a few years ago, but DC are still fun and I get a lot of joy from them. I was so delighted for DS last week as he got man of the match at football and he's really had to work so hard at it, it's been amazing to see him improve. And he's finally got into Harry Potter so it's been lovely to be able to share reading the books and watching the films together. I'm just giving you these examples to show that there are things to look forward to.

Gradually, I am also starting to get little opportunities for new hobbies and experiences on my own or with DH. A few years ago I had no interest in hobbies, in comparison to the sense of purpose that being a mother gave me. But now small things are starting to pique my interest and I feel like there's a world to explore.

I don’t think basing your whole personality/ character on being”mum” is healthy - for you or the children.

I agree - it’s not healthy at all. Rationally, I don’t think it’s fair to put so much on the shoulders of a yet-to-be-born child - as a lifeboat to rescue me from grief, identity, fear and longing.

At the same time, that small part of me wonders - am I feeling so unhappy because this was actually just meant to be? Am I depriving myself of a lovely set-up that would in fact bring joy?

To the PP who said these feelings would just resurface later down the line if we had another - I really hope that’s true.

I guess we could reconsider when past all this, but I think the thought of kicking this down the road just makes me feel so stuck. I guess I’m searching for answers and I have none.

I agree with this.

@Puzzlepeony how are you after a few more months time has passed?

I have just had a miscarroage flr what would have been a 3rd child. Its only just happened but am feeling lost emotionally too. Your feelings really resonated with me.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had a miscarriage. I wasn’t prepared for the complex mix of feelings that followed mine, and looking back, I think it plunged me into a dark depression for most of a year.

I feel a lot better now. Therapy helped - not by offering solutions, but just by giving me space to say everything out loud and feel truly understood. That alone made me feel less emotionally lost. It was definitely a bereavement, and I found myself spiralling into overthinking, future-proofing, and black-and-white thinking. What a previous poster said about the double loss really resonated.

Oddly, when I told myself this didn’t have to be the end of child-rearing - even after the tummy tuck - it helped me let go a little. I realised I probably don’t want another child. But it helped not to rush into final decisions just to silence the grief.

It’s not that I see the future differently now - just that I’m less stuck in it. I’m less attached to needing an identity outside motherhood. I’m just living. Mindfulness helped - allowing space for feelings, and learning to see thoughts as mental chatter, not fact, helped me stay more present.

Is the lostness for you also tied up with identity, uncertainty and the future? It really does get better 💐