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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends staying over

38 replies

Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 14:35

Ok - so I need a bit of advice to see if I’m being unreasonable. I live somewhere where it’s a really lovely place for holidays (think Caribbean type) but expensive. I invited some friends from the UK to come over (a couple) and they texted me the other day basically giving the impression that they will be out just the two of them and then would let me know if they would be home for dinner or not. Now I assumed maybe wrongly that they would obviously want some time alone as they wouldn’t be able to afford to come if they didn’t have a place to stay and I’m also providing the food at home but I also assumed that we would go out all together maybe 3 days out of the 7 that they are here. Is this an unreasonable expectation from me?

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 09/05/2025 14:39

No, not unreasonable - just using you as a hotel is not on. Have they taken you out at all? Contributed to the cost of food?

Original poster
Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 14:59

They are now here yet. This was via text. Sorry that wasn’t clear. They aren’t contributing towards anything in my home.

OP posts:
justkeepswimingswiming · 09/05/2025 15:01

Just text them back and say you was under the impression you’d be going out with them for a few days of their stay. Maybe they don’t want to get in your way.

Stickortwigs · 09/05/2025 15:08

What did they now say to make you think they won’t be spending any time with you?

Newmeagain · 09/05/2025 15:17

I agree that you should text them and say you are looking forward to going out together a couple of times. If they ignore this, and just do their own thing, don’t invite them again!

Shadowsunray · 09/05/2025 15:19

So basically they are using you as accommodation and free meals when they don't have anything better to do? I would find that rude.

Dollshousedolly · 09/05/2025 15:21

I’d take that their message is setting the scene - they are coming to stay with you, they will be out during the day doing their own thing and will let you know each day if they will be home for dinner or bit. Quite rude of them actually.

MoominMai · 09/05/2025 15:22

Oh that’s just rude OP! So why do they think you’re inviting them over then - because you enjoy playing housekeeper and cook?! 🙄

Honestly some people are so entitled with zero manners! Sorry but if it were me, I would just text back and say I was hoping for the three of us to spend time together whilst you’re here with me and then just propose your plans to them!

OriginalUsername2 · 09/05/2025 15:22

I detect Cheeky Fuckery.

“Well let you know if we’ll be back for dinner”

Oh really.

ginasevern · 09/05/2025 15:34

Why on earth did you offer to cook for them? The very, very least they should be doing is taking you out for lunches/dinners. At least you now know that they cheeky fuckers and not real friends.

Original poster
Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 15:36

Yes @Stickortwigs - so what made me think they weren’t thinking of spending time was the fact they said we will let you know if we are home for dinner or not - in my head we aren’t together in this scenario?
@justkeepswimingswiming and @Newmeagain - yes I agree I think I need to text them and clarify.

for context I’m also part of a couple so I thought it would be nice to do something together at the weekend and leave them to it during the week if that’s what they want to do. It’s just very unlike them so I was a bit surprised and did find it rude as many have said. I suppose it could be a misunderstanding as I have said it’s just not like them at all. I just wanted to also see them and spend some time as I miss them.
@ginasevern - I offered to cook as I know it’s expensive to go out and they are on a budget.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 09/05/2025 15:39

If they were visiting you, yes, it's very rude to not socialise with you.

If they're only interested in staying with you from an accommodation angle, then they won't be thinking of spending time with you, which is actually very thoughtless of them.

Lurker85 · 09/05/2025 15:43

That is so rude on multiple levels. Not spending time with you is one thing but letting you know day to day, on the day, if they are expecting to be served dinner is another level. Are you just expected to buy and cook enough food for dinner for 4 people every night just in case? Or wait around each day to see if their budget covers dinner that night and then start buying and planning dinner? I wouldn’t even mention that you wanted to spend time with them. You know they’ll only be doing it out of guilt then. I’d just say “No problem, but I can’t guarantee dinner if I don’t know in advance so I can buy enough food” and not let them come back.

CaptainAwkward · 09/05/2025 15:49

Have they not asked you, for example, if you'd like anything bringing over from the UK (small things that might be too expensive to ship overseas), if there's a local restaurant they can take you to to say thanks for hosting them, shall they go food shopping with you to help pay for their meals etc?

Basically have they made any show of recognition that you're doing them a huge favour and their gratitude?

If I was your friends I'd be doing all of the above plus asking you what would be easiest/would make my stay convenient for you because I'd be over the moon to be invited for a holiday.

When I stay with family and friends in the UK I coordinate with them on what groceries and/or meals I should do or help with because I'm not a leech

IsawwhatIsaw · 09/05/2025 15:51

They are using you instead of booking a Air B and B.

I had this once, they stayed a week but I barely saw them as they spent time with their relatives nearby. I think the point is that you feel used.

Someone2025 · 09/05/2025 15:59

Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 14:35

Ok - so I need a bit of advice to see if I’m being unreasonable. I live somewhere where it’s a really lovely place for holidays (think Caribbean type) but expensive. I invited some friends from the UK to come over (a couple) and they texted me the other day basically giving the impression that they will be out just the two of them and then would let me know if they would be home for dinner or not. Now I assumed maybe wrongly that they would obviously want some time alone as they wouldn’t be able to afford to come if they didn’t have a place to stay and I’m also providing the food at home but I also assumed that we would go out all together maybe 3 days out of the 7 that they are here. Is this an unreasonable expectation from me?

Maybe they didn’t want to give you the impression that they expected you to entertain them during the day / go sight seeing with them

CarpetKnees · 09/05/2025 15:59

I think that the fact you have said
I offered to cook as I know it’s expensive to go out and they are on a budget.

means your expectations that but I also assumed that we would go out all together maybe 3 days out of the 7 is a bit strange.

I mean, personally, I would offer to treat you and your partner to a nice restaurant, but I don't think you can complain they aren't taking you out 3 times if you have said you will cook for them all the time.

However, like most things, trying to pick up what everyone's expectations are from texts is always going to result in misunderstandings and miscommunication. Why not speak to them and get a much better feel for what everyone is planning and thinking ? We have so many ways to have (free) conversations with people the world over these days.

they might be thinking "We don't want to impose, we'll clear out of @Nothankyov 's way each day".

Original poster
Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 16:06

@Someone2025 - yes I’m thinking maybe this is it. They don’t want to be in my way or imposing and it’s a misunderstanding.

@CarpetKnees - just to clarify I didn’t offer to cook for them everyday. When we were talking (in person) they mentioned that they had a look at restaurants online and that they were expensive and we agreed doing half and half and I also clarified that I’m paying for myself and my husband when we are out. There is a discrepancy in salaries so I have made sure I don’t expect them to pay for me. Not sure what you mean by I can’t complain if they are not taking me out? I’m not expecting them to take me out. I was hoping we could do activities together. I don’t expect them to pay for me as I said above.

OP posts:
Roastiesarethebestbit · 09/05/2025 16:12

As they are your mates I would assume the best of them, and that they aren’t expecting to be entertained by you all the time. Maybe message back suggesting a couple of places you could all go a few nights/days and that they can then play it by ear on the other days.

treesandsun · 09/05/2025 16:18

Well unless whenyou invited them you said would you like to come and use our place as a hotel and we'll provide your food for you - nothing like you don't need to bother seeing us then yes they're rude as

JLou08 · 09/05/2025 16:22

Have you told them you are taking time off work to spend with them? They might assume you will be at work and are just offering accommodation.

Original poster
Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 16:25

@JLou08 Im not working atm.

OP posts:
Pinkishcherryblossoms · 09/05/2025 16:33

Don't assume the worst based on the responses you get on here. You're not sure of their motivations and you know them well by the sound of it. How can anyone here really give an opinion on even less info than you have. Maybe they just don't want to get in the way of your daily life so are trying not to monopolise your time by treating you like a tour guide. This is only supposition on my part obviously but if I were them I'd be super grateful for your kindness and be very worried about disrupting your life too much by expecting your company in the day too. Not everyone has bad motives. Texts can be so open to misunderstandings too, as has already been said. Talk it out with them with an open heart and see how it goes. You can always just not invite them again.

Original poster
Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 16:37

@Pinkishcherryblossoms - you are right. I completely agree. I think my post was just to try and I gauge if I was unreasonable to expect to spend some time with them as well. I grew up in a kind of way that my mum expects me to be with her 24/7 - which I don’t think it’s right and I’m keen to give them free time alone together but also spend some time with them as I miss them. I just wanted to see if people thought that my expectations were unreasonable. Logically I know I must talk to them - don’t want to make it awkward but that’s the right thing to do 🥴

OP posts:
daffodil2025 · 09/05/2025 16:52

I think in this situation you are in charge - it’s your home, you’re the hosts. Just tell them that on Saturday night you and DH are planning a BBQ for the 4 of you, on Sunday you will cook fish and that on the Wednesday you have booked X restaurant for the 4 of you as it’s a favourite.

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