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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends staying over

38 replies

Nothankyov · 09/05/2025 14:35

Ok - so I need a bit of advice to see if I’m being unreasonable. I live somewhere where it’s a really lovely place for holidays (think Caribbean type) but expensive. I invited some friends from the UK to come over (a couple) and they texted me the other day basically giving the impression that they will be out just the two of them and then would let me know if they would be home for dinner or not. Now I assumed maybe wrongly that they would obviously want some time alone as they wouldn’t be able to afford to come if they didn’t have a place to stay and I’m also providing the food at home but I also assumed that we would go out all together maybe 3 days out of the 7 that they are here. Is this an unreasonable expectation from me?

OP posts:
JojoM1981 · 09/05/2025 17:06

OriginalUsername2 · 09/05/2025 15:22

I detect Cheeky Fuckery.

“Well let you know if we’ll be back for dinner”

Oh really.

My reply to this will be.....

"Will you now...? 🤨"

uncomfortablydumb60 · 09/05/2025 17:15

Not unreasonable. They’re planning to treat you as free accommodation under the guise of visiting you as friends

CarpetKnees · 09/05/2025 18:32

In fairness, it was the OP that invited them. Not the friends who said "Can we come and stay".
My impression is they are trying not to impose upon the generosity, but, as the OP wants to spend time going out and about with them, then the obvious thing to do is to phone / facetime / Whatsapp / Skype / Zoom / whatever other media they use them and just talk, saying how much she is looking forward to spending time with them and showing them round her new home.

Spirallingdownwards · 09/05/2025 18:57

Just speak to them. Say I would love to spend a couple of days with you showing you round (place) /going to the beach.

They may simply be going out so as to not be a burden.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 09/05/2025 20:21

I grew up in a kind of way that my mum expects me to be with her 24/7 - which I don’t think it’s right and I’m keen to give them free time alone together but also spend some time with them as I miss them

Is it your mum staying? With her partner? Or am I horribly confused?

BakelikeBertha · 09/05/2025 20:38

Have they been out to visit you before OP? If not, then just speak to them and say, we were thinking that the four of us could spend the weekend together, perhaps take you out and show you the sights, and then as I'm not working, I thought we could maybe go out together every other day, and then on the days in between you could go out and do your own thing, what do you think? That way you're setting your expectations, but making it clear that they will still get some time on their own if that's what they want.

Westun · 11/05/2025 07:31

As I live in a major city I host family and friends often, but I have no interest in seeing the sites again and again, so I will usually leave them to it. However, we’d organise to meet up in the evening or have a cooked breakfast etc so we do spend time together. Luckily I also have family in holiday destinations so they’ve been able to reciprocate, and in the past I’ve when I’ve visited I’d say I’d love to hang out when are you free or these are the attractions I’d like to visit / things I’d like to do - are you up for any of it? It works for us and feels like a nice balance of spending time together but not imposing.

however, when your friends visit you will be able to gauge if they are trying to be considerate or just using you as a B &B.

Zanatdy · 11/05/2025 07:57

just say I was thinking it would be nice if we all went out on the weekends. Say it now before more firm plans are made.

Eldermillennialmum · 11/05/2025 07:58

I agree with PPs that it's not clear and they may also not be sure what you're able to offer in terms of time. I'd maybe speak to them and ask what their plans are just so expectations are clear. "I just wanted to check what your plans were. I imagined you'd be out on your own for a few of the days but I'd hoped to join you for dinner maybe 3 nights. Let me know what you had in mind."

Vanishedwillow · 11/05/2025 11:35

When my parents went to visit my auntie for the first time (she lives in U.S. now), she sent them an itinerary for every day they would be there and what they would all be doing together 😂. Massively OTT, but if you say to your friends ‘I thought we could spend tomorrow (or next day or whatever) doing xyz together and take them to some local sights, they might well enjoy that. If it was me staying and you hadn’t suggested anything, I’d assume you wanted your own time.
Just talk to them.

LaDamaDeElche · 11/05/2025 11:45

It does come across as rude of them, but also perhaps they are trying to give you your own space and just wording it badly. I don’t really like staying with people for this reason, apart from close family, as it can be awkward knowing how much time you should/shouldn’t spend with people, navigating trying to give/have a bit of personal space without seeming like you’re treating their house like a hotel. I prefer to stay in a hotel to avoid this, but then you can end up upsetting people too if they want you to stay with them 😂

Ladysodor · 11/05/2025 12:08

They’re not being rude. I think that they didn’t want to assume you’d be doing all the cooking/entertainment etc. The invite should have included an offer of evening meals and (perhaps) some outings. Their response was a slightly awkward way of asking you to clarify. You didn’t think it through.

Daftypants · 14/05/2025 09:33

This definitely needs clarification.
If I had house guests ( which I used to a fair bit, because I lived in a very nice city ) I’d not expect them to be with me all the time as I had too much to do at home / looking my kids , pets and my house .
I would expect them to spend some time with me though ?
maybe a day out / lunch out / dinner ?
I would also hope for a small token gift for accommodating them

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