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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school one to one assistant - more like prison guard???

32 replies

Onemorecoffee77777 · 09/05/2025 12:52

So I helped out on a school trip today primary year 3. It was a lot of walking and where I was in the long line of children put me near an autistic boy and a couple of his friends and his one to one assistant. This little boy I think shows traits of ADHD or PDA - he is very argumentative and none stop taking. I don’t have his diagnosis but do have a ND child myself so recognise this a little but this is a guess but I do know he’s autistic.
The one to one assistant constantly corrected him - every little thing.
Mum says we walk past my house.
No we don’t walk part your house that is wrong. But mum said.
Well she got that wrong and I have told you now stop mentioning it.
He told his friend to stop calling him dude.
She replied don’t tell him that you’re wrong dude is a nice term.
He says he doesn’t like it.
She replies well you’re wrong and it’s a nice term now stop talking about it.
Literally every little thing out of this child’s mouth was corrected. Stuff that just didn’t need her to. And her tone was cold, quiet and just very much like a prison guard.
Tbh I would have flipped at someone doing this to me - let alone my child. And I’m NT.
How is ND child supposed to self regulate? So of course he didn’t and was crying his eyes out part way through trip.
Some children tried to comfort him. She said sternly and dismissively to leave him alone.
None of the other teachers or assistants seemed to think this was an issue.
The boy cried on floor till he then went and argued with her getting himself all worked up that his parents would take his iPad away. She told him that he’d deserve that and brought it on himself.
The whole thing just seemed like a failure set up for the boy. Basically poked with a stick till he exploded and then told he’s bad for doing it.
But maybe I am too soft and of course I do not know this boy or his family.
I just feel though that anyone being constantly corrected would snap - she actually reminded me of a boss I hated that I used to think was like a nasty prison guard! But this boy is clearly ND. It felt so wrong. But I’m a softie and not a teacher so no idea.

AIBU?

yes - you don’t know boy and should leave it alone

no - you need to report it to someone

OP posts:
SilviaSnuffleBum · 09/05/2025 12:56

As you say, you're not a teacher/TA and you're a 'softie', so you really only gained a snapshot of what the 1-2-1's r/ship is like with the child.

Alltheoldpaintings · 09/05/2025 12:58

Do you know the parents to tell them what you saw? I have an autistic year 3 and would go ballistic if somebody was treating him like that.

Alltheoldpaintings · 09/05/2025 12:59

I would also seriously consider contacting the school - go to the head and senco and report it as factually and calmly as you can, say that as an outside observer this pattern is what you noticed, and you are concerned as a parent at the school as to whether this is the normal approach.

Bushmillsbabe · 09/05/2025 13:06

That doesn't sound like a helpful way to support him. Of course, all children in school will get asked to be quiet at certain times when it's not appropriate to be talking, but it feels like she is extremely negative in her approach.

It's a hard one though, you have only seen a short snap shot of this, it may be that the 1 to 1 has tried lots of different approaches with him.

If you have safeguarding concerns, you can ask to speak to the DSL or safeguarding governor at the school. I did this when I saw a 1 to 1 handle a child very roughly on multiple occasion when taking him from his school transport taxi to class, and I got feedback that she had received training on appropriate handling techniques.

Original poster
Onemorecoffee77777 · 09/05/2025 13:24

Thanks for responses. I don’t know other mum as this boy is another year 3 class to my child. But I do know the safe guarding lead so I think I’ll just mention it - not as a ‘this was awful please sack 1:1’ but just that I really not sure her attitude helped him at all. She came across as someone totally in the wrong job. But yes maybe she’s burnt out as perhaps she’s tried lots of ways to interact with him.
Just to add he was walking holding hands chatting to 2 other children and not her. Personally I just don’t know why she kept correcting him and it seemed to set him off. All the children had such a nice morning but I felt like this boy just ended up feeling like awful for no reason. Let him yap away to his friends who seemed quite happy chatting with him. Nothing he did with them was aggressive but I did notice him by the end getting angry with the 1:1 but tbh I didn’t blame him

OP posts:
OhHellolittleone · 09/05/2025 13:34

Onemorecoffee77777 · 09/05/2025 12:52

So I helped out on a school trip today primary year 3. It was a lot of walking and where I was in the long line of children put me near an autistic boy and a couple of his friends and his one to one assistant. This little boy I think shows traits of ADHD or PDA - he is very argumentative and none stop taking. I don’t have his diagnosis but do have a ND child myself so recognise this a little but this is a guess but I do know he’s autistic.
The one to one assistant constantly corrected him - every little thing.
Mum says we walk past my house.
No we don’t walk part your house that is wrong. But mum said.
Well she got that wrong and I have told you now stop mentioning it.
He told his friend to stop calling him dude.
She replied don’t tell him that you’re wrong dude is a nice term.
He says he doesn’t like it.
She replies well you’re wrong and it’s a nice term now stop talking about it.
Literally every little thing out of this child’s mouth was corrected. Stuff that just didn’t need her to. And her tone was cold, quiet and just very much like a prison guard.
Tbh I would have flipped at someone doing this to me - let alone my child. And I’m NT.
How is ND child supposed to self regulate? So of course he didn’t and was crying his eyes out part way through trip.
Some children tried to comfort him. She said sternly and dismissively to leave him alone.
None of the other teachers or assistants seemed to think this was an issue.
The boy cried on floor till he then went and argued with her getting himself all worked up that his parents would take his iPad away. She told him that he’d deserve that and brought it on himself.
The whole thing just seemed like a failure set up for the boy. Basically poked with a stick till he exploded and then told he’s bad for doing it.
But maybe I am too soft and of course I do not know this boy or his family.
I just feel though that anyone being constantly corrected would snap - she actually reminded me of a boss I hated that I used to think was like a nasty prison guard! But this boy is clearly ND. It felt so wrong. But I’m a softie and not a teacher so no idea.

AIBU?

yes - you don’t know boy and should leave it alone

no - you need to report it to someone

It’s a sad fact that 1:1s are poorly paid/trained and hard to recruit because it’s a thankless task.

however, it sounds like she needs training. Maybe she feels that it’s her job to make him perfectly behaved (like some 1:1s think it’s their job to make sure a child gets all their questions correct). Cold and quiet is different to warm and quiet - it makes sense to be calm, but there is a way to be warm and calm yet authoritative. Maybe she needs to spend time with other kids too.

id ask to meet the SENCO to raise the concern. It’s totally valid even though he’s not your kid. It doesn’t matter that you don’t ‘know the full story’ they can do what they want with your information. Tell the SENCo what
you told us - you and your kid would have reacted badly to this constant niggling.

Cornishclio · 09/05/2025 13:35

YANBU My GD is PDA and she would struggle big time with her demands. They need low demand environment and she clearly has no experience of this type of autism. Report her and say this didn’t seem ok.

doodleschnoodle · 09/05/2025 13:40

I would report this. It sounds incredibly demoralising for that little boy and presumably it is constant if she is his permanent one to one. It can’t be a nice environment for him. No doubting that some children with needs like this are very difficult to manage but I would be horrified if anyone was constantly speaking to my child like that, ND or not.

I expect his parent doesn’t have any idea what goes on and how he is spoken to. What a shame.

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 09/05/2025 13:46

I’m not surprised he had a meltdown. Her attitude would push a NT person over the edge, let alone someone who is ND. Poor kid. 2 of mine are ND I would want to know what had happened so please do report. I’d be concerned my child had had a meltdown “for no apparent reason” so knowing what happened would be helpful to prevent it happening again- by ensuring this woman wasn’t my child’s 121 again.

Patricia1704 · 09/05/2025 13:49

Definitely worth emailing the school - have seen similar but not as bad. You could help here by raising it.
As others have said keep the email very factual and blame free in order to be taken seriously, and maybe state that you don’t expect any update as you understand these matters are confidential to the child and the staff.

Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere · 09/05/2025 13:52

I think you need to do what I’d expect a member of school staff to do if they witness something that makes them uncomfortable or seems inappropriate. You write it down, as verbatim and factually as possible and then you give that written information to the headteacher (or safeguarding lead if that’s a different person). You don’t need to be worried about if you are too soft, what his needs are etc because the headteacher or safeguarding lead will have a fuller picture. Your responsibility is simply to report a concern you have and if it turns out your concern is not merited then no harm done.

SabrinaSt · 09/05/2025 13:53

I work in education - I would report this as a safeguarding concern specifically so that the school have to take it seriously. It isn’t appropriate behaviour even if you’re only seeing a snapshot.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 09/05/2025 13:53

Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere · 09/05/2025 13:52

I think you need to do what I’d expect a member of school staff to do if they witness something that makes them uncomfortable or seems inappropriate. You write it down, as verbatim and factually as possible and then you give that written information to the headteacher (or safeguarding lead if that’s a different person). You don’t need to be worried about if you are too soft, what his needs are etc because the headteacher or safeguarding lead will have a fuller picture. Your responsibility is simply to report a concern you have and if it turns out your concern is not merited then no harm done.

This nails it

ThejoyofNC · 09/05/2025 13:56

So, you don't know either of them.
You don't know his diagnoses, but have decided to give him some of your own based on no interaction at all.
You don't know his needs or what has been put in place for him.
You basically don't know anything at all.

But because she's not a "softie" like you, she's evil and must be reported?

Beaconsfire · 09/05/2025 13:58

If, when you draft what you want to say, you imagine that the 1-1 was someone you already knew and liked, that can help with pitching it in a "I just want the best for everyone" way rather than being a grouch for the sake of it.

ZanzibarIsland · 09/05/2025 14:04

I agree with you (and the poll majority.) Telling him off constantly when he's not being naughty won't help at all.

Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere · 09/05/2025 14:04

ThejoyofNC · 09/05/2025 13:56

So, you don't know either of them.
You don't know his diagnoses, but have decided to give him some of your own based on no interaction at all.
You don't know his needs or what has been put in place for him.
You basically don't know anything at all.

But because she's not a "softie" like you, she's evil and must be reported?

No one needs to be using words like “evil”. But the attitude you describe is how serious safeguarding concerns slip through - people think they’re interfering, don’t have the full picture, are being nasty to “report” someone or it’s someone else’s job.

Reporting this not labelling someone evil, it’s neutrally reporting a concern OP has to people who do have a fuller picture and the ability to gather further information if necessary.

ZanzibarIsland · 09/05/2025 14:06

ThejoyofNC · 09/05/2025 13:56

So, you don't know either of them.
You don't know his diagnoses, but have decided to give him some of your own based on no interaction at all.
You don't know his needs or what has been put in place for him.
You basically don't know anything at all.

But because she's not a "softie" like you, she's evil and must be reported?

Where did OP say she was evil?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 14:09

I understand what you mean. I have a lot of experience with SNA's who have been wonderful. We had one, that was overbearing, interfering, she would ask DS many personal questions, I'd imagine that she annoyed the teacher too, as she was older and a "know it all" they are there to offer support, encouragement, and some discipline, she was badgering, threatening children with no PE, not her place, and out of order.
That is the teachers call.

cherrycherrypickin · 09/05/2025 14:12

I'm a parent with a PDA child and constantly correcting him would have led to what happened here. Please speak to the SENCO, he sounds like he'd benefit from a different TA.

Ablondiebutagoody · 09/05/2025 14:16

Given that none of the teachers or TA's thought it was an issue, I would leave it

Stichintime · 09/05/2025 14:17

The relationship between a 1:1 and child can be an odd one. I've seen plenty of unhealthy ones over the years, and this sounds like one of those. Report, definitely.

pimplebum · 09/05/2025 15:45

Frame it more that the ta could do with some training -

I would find the mum , easily done if you have WhatsApp groups someone in your group will be able to post in their group to get message

or put a sealed note in his book bag
heartbreaking for this poor kid

Fearfulsaints · 09/05/2025 15:50

I would mention it to the school senco. You can be polite and not suggest deliberate wrong doing but a possible training need.

HomericEpithet · 09/05/2025 16:01

I don't think you're soft. I would absolutely write a factual account of what you saw. She won't be executed for it. The worst that will happen to her is that she gets some retraining. Gosh, what an ordeal for her.

Sometimes people in this type of role are, er, mismatched with the person needing support.