to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare? Part 2

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged.

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

Research:

https://www.goodto.com/family/family-news/more-than-half-grandparents-look-after-grandchildren-while-parents-at-work-but-whos-more-likely-to-retire-early-to-help
Data from Age UK shows that women are nearly three times more likely to retire from their jobs in order to care for a family member, and that doesn't include the number who have gone part time or reduced their working hours to better fit around their childcare demands.

Gender differences between grandparents caring for grandchildren. Even when grandfathers do help there tends to be a divide:

Overall, grandmothers were more likely to report caring and helping activities (e.g., cooking, caring when sick, helping with homework, and collecting them from school) than grandfathers, even when they coresided.

https://www.demographic-research.org/volumes/vol43/53/43-53.pdf

The articles below show plenty of women are not enjoying it:
https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/feb/24/grandparents-childcare
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/dec/01/i-dread-looking-after-my-grandchild-each-week-mariella-frostrup

https://inews.co.uk/inews-lifestyle/resent-looking-after-my-grandchildren-free-childcare-2445675?srsltid=AfmBOoq9WAWRh_NIeOYsLXEweRPp4mG4L6CykmIlm5Fcgdiw-nSmj9y2

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4639300-entitled-attitude-grandparents-must-provide-childcare

https://www.newsweek.com/viral-mumsnet-grandparents-provide-childcare-1755160

You seem intent on sewing division.

The only evidence you have is that women are doing childcare - the rest is anecdotal.

What paper is going to publish an article - "Grandmas love looking after grandbabies" - none because it is not a story.
Equally who would start a thread titled - I love looking after my adult children's children and being part of a community - no-one because it isn't a point of discussion.

I have never met in real life a grandparent that doesn't enjoy helping to care for their grandchildren - again an anecdote but from my experience that is the reality of most families. In my experience families are not transactional and they help each other at various points in life, when they are able to.

The discussion of grandfathers not doing enough is secondary - they should do more and contribute to a community they are part of is the simple answer. How we encourage and insist they do that is another question.

Previous thread here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5327556-to-think-many-grandmothers-actually-do-not-want-to-do-childcare?page=1

Yes I am intent on sowing division by pointing out:

that women are doing so much more unpaid labour than men
that the expectations are much greater on women
women are judged so much more harshly if they do not want to do childcare for GC
grandfathers if involved tend to do the easier parts of childcare

If this thread is going to be anything more than you just replying to anyone who mentions that grandfathers in their family also do childcare with “yeah but statistically that is unusual”, it would probably be useful to actually engage with these posters and find out more about how that works for them, how to encourage more willing grandfathers to look after children and how to give tired grandmothers the strength to push against social expectations and look after themselves too. Please please don’t just reply to everyone trying to engage here with “yeah but statistics say that’s not usually the case”. How on earth does that help anyone or make an interesting discussion??

You don't have to take part in the discussion. It is voluntary not compulsory. Why on earth keep posting on this and the previous thread?

I'm a childminder and often when families approach me about shared care with grandparents, I mentally make sure that I have space on the other days for when the GPs have had enough. I've never been wrong yet!

I think a lot of mostly women like to kid themselves that their mothers really love looking after their DC!