AIBU and having a massive mid life crisis, or is this a sign that things need to change?

[NoFleasOnMe]

I’m Mid-forties, perimenopausal, 4 kids from 9 to 17, supportive DH, and sensible middle-management technical job.

Last year I had a burn out at work. I’d just started HRT, had picked up a dual role that was just too much work, and was suffering from a colleague being an absolute arse.

My manager was brilliant and worked to create a proper single role for me. It’s a challenging area but one I have experience in and could make a real impact, but it’s also under resourced and some of the other teams I need to collaborate with are obstructive.

I am so tired and fed up. I want to quit and do something creative that definitely won’t make any money. Dh and I earn the same, so it would be a big dip in earnings, but we could survive on one income - just - if we made some changes.

I am not built for office life, it is breaking me. I don’t want to burn out again, it’s not fair on the kids or dh. I’ve just reduced my hours to try to cope, and I know I should see if that makes a difference but I dream about quitting on every school run.

I would never find another workplace that would bend over backwards the way this one is. But I’m starting to think that just because I’m good at something, doesn’t make it good for me. I know perimenopause is a factor in how I feel.

Has anyone else gone through similar and come out the other side with it all being alright?

YABU - pull yourself together and suck it up, you’re not giving the new role a chance

YANBU - you’re not trapped and leaving isn’t the same as failing

Dh and I earn the same, so it would be a big dip in earnings, but we could survive on one income - just - if we made some changes

Consider whether any of your children might want to go to university in the next few years and what your expected parental contribution would be to their finances.

I hardly ever vote, sorry, but am in the YANBU camp with caveats.

I would start with the GP. I know it takes ages but talk to them.

Also have a proper discussion with your DH, see what the options really are. Do you have to leave and earn nothing? Is there a middle ground? I believe I burned out in 2022 but I've changed jobs and am doing fine, while still earning.

How would your DH feel about the drop in income, and how does he feel about his job?

I think he is the one to consider here - is it reasonable to place the entire earning burden on him? Suppose he were to be made redundant, for instance?

Have you considered a part-time job as a compromise, which would mean if you did need more income in the future, it would be much easier to go full time again than it would be if you had been out of the workplace doing a 'hobby job'?

I'd look what is around before resigning & conversation(s) with husband and than make a decision.

I dreamed of quitting my job and nearly walked out. Friends and colleagues mostly said to basically give my head a wobble. Good employers are hard to find and the grass isn't always greener.

I m much more appreciative of my job &salary on which I could live of ok if anything happens, gives me independence and we can support our kids through uni.

If I were you I’d just try and find another job. You are right to want to leave but unemployment and a loss of financial independence will bring its own stress and anxiety, for your DH as well as for you.

Can you drop a day a week or something as a compromise?

It's a lot to ask your whole family to make a huge financial sacrifice.

What about setting savings aside so you could be in a better position to make the decision a year or two down the line?

All excellent and sensible advice. Thank you. Dh says he is happy for me to leave, but I don’t want to put that financial burden on him. It’s not fair and I need to contribute to feel fulfilled too.

kids are expensive, more so at uni age. I wouldn’t quit unless you find something else of similar salary. Working is shit sometimes but it’s a necessary evil when raising kids.

I am far too financially careful to be able to do what you want to do. I would also be absolutely petrified if I was left to support 6 people on my own. You are about to hit some very expensive years with regards to your 4 kids, I really don't think this is the time to add more pressure financially. In 5 years time (depending on the ages of child 2 and 3) might be a better time to wind down since at least 1 or possibly 2 of your kids could be self sufficient by then. If you need to reduce your hours futher then do that, but maybe don't stop earning completely.

Also, I work in a creative field and it's incredibly hard to get a foot in (and the ones that do tend to be in their 20s with lots of flexibility) and if you do you won't make much money for many years probably.

I felt like this when menopause hit me like a truck. Anxiety kicked in it was bloody terrible and I wanted to leave. I’m a lone parent so I couldn’t so here’s what I did, I went to to Dr got a blood test to see where my hormone levels were after being on HRT for a short while. My testosterone levels were on the floor. I got referred to add that in. Whilst HRT got me 90% of the way there the testosterone was the game changer. 3 years into a new job and I’m flying and back on form.

It’s almost certainly peri.

it hit me like a truck and I also burnt out.

anti anxiety meds plus HRT has really helped.

the grass isn’t greener elsewhere. As I discovered, my problems were inside me.

Don’t react to your current emotions. Take a breath and then respond to the whole situation.
Leaving may be do-able on your DH’s salary. But what if he lost his job? Or became ill? It would be a huge pressure on him. What savings do you have?
Is there a lower level role that would remove the overwhelm but still allow you to contribute financially?

You need to sketch it all out, together, and see what the best options are for you all.

Good luck x

Look for other jobs, it will make you feel like there is an end point and even if a pay cut or part time it is less of a financial hit than leaving completely.

You have all offered such rational, sensible and compassionate advice I feel quite overwhelmed.

You're right that this is peri and whilst my HRT has settled I am still missing something. I’ve just made an appointment to go back to my GP.

I used to work in a creative field so am very aware that financially it’s a crap place to be. The grass isn’t greener there. And I know that I get a real sense of self worth from working and solving people’s problems, and I’m just in the quagmire of setting up something new that can’t do everything I want it to just yet.

I’m going to speak to my boss about setting some clear objectives and seeing if there are any adjustments that might make things better. He’s really open to doing things differently, so I’m hoping I’d have support there.

I’m not someone who is usually financially reckless, I just feel really trapped and as though I’ve lost all my mojo.

Any hints and tips on refinding that mojo would be very welcome!

Yeah OP, consider this hypothetical situation and whether you continue to shatter your mental health because the financial burden of paying for your children going to uni falls solely on your shoulders.

Just to offer solidarity here, I’m also peri menopausal and the anxiety and overwhelm has been very hard for me. What has helped is HRT and also sertraline. The latter came later and has really helped although I was reluctant to take it. It’s obvious- but I wasn’t doing it!- but exercise really does help too. I feel like it gives me somewhere to expel the nervous energy if that makes sense. I do whatever classes fit with my work schedule but usually yoga, Pilates and body balance type thing. Trying to eat better too. I’m also better able to recognise when I’m reaching tipping point and reign things back and be proactive in addressing it eg I’ll ask husband to step in on stuff I usually do and let people know at work I’ll finish a task by x date. I then can just have a breather and am back on track quite quickly. I still find dealing with difficult people hard but while it might stress me for a little while I am better able to bounce back. Not perfect but better. I’m also thinking I need to find something creative out of work. I hope you find a positive way forward that works for you x

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I'd give it a bit of time on the reduced salary first. My salary dropped by half when I went part time after maternity leave and the adjustment was more difficult than I had anticipated

My first thought was your required uni parental contribution assuming in England. If your household income is over £65000 student can only borrow min loan - you are expected to pay nearly £6000 a year to bring them up to full loan. Full loan isn’t enough in some areas with expensive accommodation.
See if hrt can be tweaked. Lots of healthy eating, exercise and just taking time for self.

Agree I’d look to fix you first before fixing the job

what can you improve for self care - diet, medication, sleeeeeeeep, exercise, meditation

what can you to simplify life - can DH do more, can kids do more, can you say ‘no’ to stuff that is clogging up life?? Can you outsource more? Try to free some time..

what can you then do to improve outside work life - hobbies, friends that nourish your soul, volunteering etc

This might be a little random but having been through something similar, changed jobs (to a much nicer workplace on fewer hours) and still felt as you do I was at a bit of a loss. It then became apparent that I needed to learn to tow a trailer/caravan (told you it was random!) and challenged myself to do it. I cannot tell you how confidence boosting and reaffirming I’ve found it to successfully learn to do something new! Proving to myself that I can still learn new things and become competent and confident has been a gamer changer and has boosted my confidence in all areas.

Can you take a step back emotionally from work even if not physically?
E.g. you say that some of the people you have to work with are obstructive - try to find a way to not take that home - keep a clear record of what happens and escalate to your manager if needed but then draw a line under it.

Maybe spend 5 minutes writing a ranty email (or in your notes app on your phone!) calling them all the names under the sun to get your frustrations out but don't send it!

While it might sound counterproductive if you're busy and stressed to pick up a new activity, would it help to do something that's just for you in your spare time- not work/wife/mum? Something that's linked, even vaguely, to the type of creative work you were thinking of? That way even if you dont switch careers now you're still keeping your hand in if you do later down the road - and if you don't you've got something that can be your focus and work can just be what you have to do, not what you choose to do/how you define yourself.

If anyone actively hated their job I would say absolutely leave - but many (maybe even most) people don't love their job - its a necessary evil. A good workplace counts for a lot evwn if you dobt love the job itself - realistically if you started again in a creative field you'd probably be looking at long hours, temporary contracts, no company loyalty to you, let alone the pay drop.

If you think you're not built for office life can you wfh sometimes? Even just answering emails in the sunshine in your garden can make it much easier! Instead of dropping more hours (I'm always wary because it very rarely means a commensurate drop in workload just less time to do the same work!) could you do a condensed week or fortnight and then have a free day a few times a month that's just for you?

If you're missing some kind of creative outlet could you do it as a hobby or take a class?

I wouldn't OP. Seriously, the economy is a train wreck, don't lose a decent-paying job.

I'm 41, with no kids so obviously have a much easier lifestyle than you, but have been in the same line of work for 20+ years and feel so burned out with it. I've climbed the ranks to a senior role and hate all of the reporting, line management and strategising. Like you, my role was created for me, so I feel guilty for being so done with it.

I dream of being a gardener, massage therapist or even bloody stacking shelves to get me away from my god forsaken laptop and onto my feet.

Instead, I've dropped a day and have the gym, hiking and gardening as my physical outlet, and will try to continue to drag myself through my career.

Is the creative thing that you could explore as a potential hobby? Peri is so hard, be kind to yourself and be open with DH and kids that you need this thing for you right now and will prioritise it when necessary.

If you would survive on one income, perhaps you could look at setting aside a 'creative fund' each month out of both salaries.

That way, you are still working, contributing financially etc but in thw moments you are feeling overwhelmed you would have an outlet waiting for you and you can take a few minutes to plan your creative project.

@NoFleasOnMe Sympathies! However, another thing to consider is that at our age (I am late 40s), I am very conscious that if anything is to happen to my job now (I'm mid-level, managerial, next step will be 'head of', I'm not super keen on that), the fear is that it's going to be really hard to get back at my current level due to age/sex discimination and just the small number of jobs that exist at my pay grade and level. I know quite a few people who expectedly or unexpectedly left thair jobs in the early 50s and just never stepped back to that level of earning again! It's really scary. And this goes for both men and women. And I actually imagine if it's bad for middle-aged men, it would be worse for us women... Your workplace/manager sounds sympathetic and that is rare. I would try to work with that, but keep an eye out for other roles. My DCs are now 17 and 15 (I am a single mum but has support from my ExH) but older is looking to go to uni and luckily, his Dad has saved quite a big sum for him but one friend whose DC has just selected his uni accommodationfor his first year and it's £11.5K a year (London). But best of luck, I would suggest looking for maybe a week-long retreat or something as well, to clear your head and think about options rather than quitting immediately. I take a yoga retreat once every 18 months or so for my sanity. And it helps!