AIBU and having a massive mid life crisis, or is this a sign that things need to change?

[NoFleasOnMe]

I’m Mid-forties, perimenopausal, 4 kids from 9 to 17, supportive DH, and sensible middle-management technical job.

Last year I had a burn out at work. I’d just started HRT, had picked up a dual role that was just too much work, and was suffering from a colleague being an absolute arse.

My manager was brilliant and worked to create a proper single role for me. It’s a challenging area but one I have experience in and could make a real impact, but it’s also under resourced and some of the other teams I need to collaborate with are obstructive.

I am so tired and fed up. I want to quit and do something creative that definitely won’t make any money. Dh and I earn the same, so it would be a big dip in earnings, but we could survive on one income - just - if we made some changes.

I am not built for office life, it is breaking me. I don’t want to burn out again, it’s not fair on the kids or dh. I’ve just reduced my hours to try to cope, and I know I should see if that makes a difference but I dream about quitting on every school run.

I would never find another workplace that would bend over backwards the way this one is. But I’m starting to think that just because I’m good at something, doesn’t make it good for me. I know perimenopause is a factor in how I feel.

Has anyone else gone through similar and come out the other side with it all being alright?

YABU - pull yourself together and suck it up, you’re not giving the new role a chance

YANBU - you’re not trapped and leaving isn’t the same as failing

i was in a a similar place and and was thinking the same as you.
objectively my job isn’t really that high powered at all but I felt exactly
like you do. Almost always on the edge of burnout. Things might get better for a bit but always got worse again. I almost gave up my career by but I’m glad I didn’t now.
I took a long hard look at why work was making me feel this way and found that my perfectionism, anxiety and total people pleasing lack of boundaries was at least a good part to blame. I was always looking for external validation.
I made myself an action plan and decided I would give it a year and if I couldn’t change things then I would quit. It gave me the courage to put some boundaries in place at work and I really manage my own responses and reactions now. Hard to describe but it’s like I’ve taken back my power. Of course it might be different for you but all im hearing is what you are running away from not what you are running too so definitely worth asking yourself a few hard questions. Menopause really fucking changes the goal posts too.
feeling different from one day to the next is not helpful but now I’ve examined these things and made a positive decision I can ride out the swings more easily
and with confidence.

Who else should shoulder the financial burden of this then, other than the OP and her husband?

I’ve been here almost sold my business.. I was 47 crying out to be heard and understood and just felt totally lost. I’m so so glad I didn’t go through with it.. I paid privately got my HRT sorted after 18 months of trial and error and feel so much more positive and like I’ve got this.

its not for everyone but I took a step back and looked at this as a life phase and didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

Can you say what kind of work you do now and what the creative thing would be?

I work for a big public sector organisation in a finance management role that focuses on new systems and innovation. Which is exactly what I wanted to do and has the potential to be creative, but is currently wading through shit systems rather than doing any of the things that will have an effect. This should change eventually.

I’m a hobby potter which would make no money at all but brings me such satisfaction.

reading all your comments it’s really clear to me that there’s a lot I could do to change the job and push back on the nonsense. I need to feel like I’m making a difference, and right now I don’t.

@NoFleasOnMe Unfortunately, I think such is the evil of work. I actually work in a really creative (and when I tell others what company I work for, it's like 'wow, that's so cool/glamorous!') industry on the surface but as it goes, the industry we promote is super glam but I'm part of the system. And we work with a lot of agencies (so, they get to do most of the creative stuff). And part of the 'fun' is having to manage creative people to deliver solutions in real world (so, I'm the party pooper who picks up mistakes etc) and it really is the most dreary part of my day!

But I think that is work and I also acknowledge I get paid well for what I do. And I try to take the wins when I can. We still have a laugh at work, I actually work hard at building my team and their morale so the work day is not dreaded. No one else in my team will do that if I don't. My manager is too busy. We go to industry events when we can, and that breaks up our week. I've moved around a lot in the last 15 years and honestly, I've left every job because I had a bad manager and you won't believe how many of there there are, so if you have a supportive one, turn that to your advantage.

Your hobby sounds great and this Saturday, a few girlfriends and myself are doing a pottery painting session for one of their birthdays and I can tell you we are all looking forward to having that outlet.

Your husband sounds supportive and if he is supportive of you quitting your job, he probably will be supportive of you taking a week out away from the kids and him, go on a solo holiday/retreat but in a group if you don't fancy doing it alone. I've done that on yoga retreats or with companies like Much Better Adventures that organises small group adventure tours for all different abilitites and loved it. I do think a holiday does prevent burnout and give you a different outlook on life afterwards. Don't be a martyr for your children/husband and feel like you have to be around. They won't appreciate it when you do burn out...

All the best! You sound like you have good options going forward that does not involve quitting!

Thank you all. I am sitting in the sun and feeling a little less hopeless. I am so glad I started this thread. I feel really understood in a way that supports me to still be sensible. I needed a reminder that I’m not trapped, I am lucky, I do have agency and I can improve things.

it’s just all felt a bit too dark of late.

Appointment with GP had been made, I already have the beginnings of a plan, and as my very lovely dh had just reminded me, despite technically moving to part time hours I’ve still been working over them and that’s a choice that I’m making that isn’t help

*helping

I did this a few years back and didn’t regret it. Like you, we could just about get by on one income.

I tipped away for a year doing something I absolutely loved that gave me a small income, enough to cover groceries.

After the year, I got offered a high flying corporate role by pure chance. To this day I have no idea where the recruiter got my info, but I thought it was serendipity and took it. Loved that for a while but got severely burnt out again and regretted ever taking the job 🙈

I’ve now scaled back to a lesser paying less demanding role in a different field. I would love to go back to the small income thing I enjoyed, but the price of living has gone up so don’t think I could afford to.

Best of luck with it op, only you know what’s right for you, but if I were in your position I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Just realised this is a zombie thread! How are things for you now op?

Nope - you need to push through, sorry. I get it, I totally do. But "giving up" now brings with it stress for uni fees and pension, which means the end really is nowhere in sight. And you should not be wanting to work til you're 70 or whatever at this point. Even if that work is creative low stress.

Especially given you are in an exceptional workplace that is accommodating you.

And truly, I do get it I have been there.

What's worked for me is all the dull stuff - I get more exercise, which is also time away from all the home hoo-ha. I have a good self-care routine (do not underestimate how much better you feel when you make even a tiny bit of effort with skincare, good nutrition, enough water etc - and the exercise - it is genuinely transformational). I chucked out a lot of shit from home that I really didn't need. Have set standards for cleaning and a rota.

Life gets better; these are the weeds. I think this bit is a bit like the kids being non-sleeping terrors - you feel like death. But this too shall pass ...

It sounds like menopause is influencing how you feel if you’ve not felt this before in a long career. A dip in earnings might seem do-able on paper but you need to think about pensions and a lifestyle change which may not suit you either.

what can you do to get more energy? Do you drink/smoke? Exercise? Sleep?

‘Tis very much a zombie thread, but I’d like to report that I ended up making some massive changes and the world is so much better.

I struggled on for another 9 months trying to make things work, still doing way too much. Then there was an illness in the family and I knew I had to prioritise that.

I decided to resign but was persuaded to take a year’s career break as they could see I needed to go but wanted to give me the option to come back. I know just how lucky I am on that front.

so now I’m a few months into that, family member is doing great, HRT has settled, and I am more me now than I have been for years.

Financially we are managing and have some options to downsize if need be. it’s tight, but hopefully doable.

I Left this thread certain that I needed to hold on, carry on, keep going.

I now know that I needed to stop whether the illness happened or not. I’ve done a couple of bits of work here and there and also been able to do some voluntary things which I’ve loved.

I’m still busy, just busy doing the necessary things. Most importantly I have the energy to spend time really being there for the kids properly. Not cleaning up after them, having a laugh and enjoying our time together.

we’ll see how things fall when the year is out, but I’m not compromising on living a balanced life anymore. Money is great, having enough is a necessity, living is essential.