Husband regularly calls me names

[Danni221008]

I don’t even know where to start. Our relationship has always had its ups and downs, he’s never liked me having a social life, always back late when he knows I’m going out. Or there will be a drama at home when I’m out etc. It got a lot worse around 5 years ago after our 3rd child was born. I’d hired a friend to take over my position at our family business as she was in need and I had to go on maternity leave.

He became distant, had a short fuse would cause arguments over nothing and blame me, we went away for a week and he kept walking off disappearing being moody for no reason, and then decided to sleep in another room. It got worse and worse until I finally told him he had to leave our family home I couldn’t take it anymore. We spent around a year apart. In that time my friend kept being mentioned, he brought her things too. Eventually I got into his phone bills. Found even when we had been away he was on the phone to her every day. When we split it was morning noon and night texts at 5am through to 11pm at night - he kept saying - she’s just a friend that I’m fucking crazy and need assessing.

Eventually I begged him to come back that I’d do anything and he said I needed to sort myself out and have counselling. So I did. We moved forward.

Now a few years later and lots of counselling and doing what they said - focus on myself and make myself happy, I started the gym back in February, I needed something for myself. Time away from him and the kids and the business. And it’s made me so happy, I feel so much stronger mentally.

There seems to be 6-8 week cycle of his outbursts, calling me horrible names - always in front of the children. Won’t let me have a say in anything, it’s always his way or the high way, no compromise at all. A couple of weeks ago he lost it, got in my face and called me a fucking cunt in front of our 6 year old, I shut myself away in the lounge so he would stop. My girl came through and she said mummy I’m so sorry I made daddy mad at you. It broke my heart. She thought it was her fault. It wasn’t and I told her she had done absolutely nothing wrong. I don’t want this hurting my kids.

The next day came a apology- could hardly call it that and I told him so. The next day another apology saying there’s no excuse for his behaviour but he was cross because I was offloading on him about the kids that week. So still again blaming me. I told him to sleep in another room and he went mad telling me im a fucking bitch he can’t stand to be around me and he’s done with this shit and selling the house. I agreed.

The hard part for me now is I’ve been told for years I’m crazy, I’m wrong, I need to change etc etc h counselling was a waste of money because he doesn’t see that I’ve changed.

I know i don’t want this anymore. But I’m second guessing everything. I just really need someone to tell me to be strong, it will be better once we’re divorced. That there is a better life out there. I’m just so scared of all the changes, having to move, I’m now jobless as can’t work at our business how will I afford to live with 3 kids and work. My work has been as flexible as I wanted working for myself. I just feel so anxious all the time and my hearts racing when I wake up in the morning. Sorry I’m completely waffling now.

He's toxic, abusive and this is not a healthy relationship.

You would feel so, so, so much better without him.

I beg your pardon?!!!!!

You absolutely aren’t the problem here OP.
You've been gaslit and emotionally abused for years.
And the fact that he has these “outbursts” in front of your children is extremely concerning.

I think you need counselling OP to understand why you went back to him and why you put up with getting spoken to like this.

He’s abusive. He’s angry BECAUSE he’s abusive and not because of anything you could do/ not do. It’s damaging your children - that behaviour in front of them is abusive to them too. You need to get them out of this situation. You need to be strong. You're second guessing yourself because for years he’s used DARVO tactics and gaslighting on you.

Have you tried Women’s Aid as a first port of call?

Jeez, what am I reading here? He had an affair with your friend and you begged him for another chance?
Yes, you will be better off divorced, there is a better life out there than being abused in front of your kids by a gaslighting arsehole!

There’s quite a few names I could call him

leave him op

it’s so sad reading so many posts like this, why do people have such low bars with their partners

None of the above is healthy or normal.

Ring womens aid or a similar charity so you can get some more advice that is specific to your needs. But he needs to go.

I would start only communicating with him through a co parenting app like family wizard. These can be used as evidence in court.

Set a ground rule that he isn’t to enter your property when collecting the kids. He is to wait in the car and you send them out. Same with drop off.

You are not the problem. You never have been. If you feel weak, remember your DD’s words. You can have a happier life away from him

I know it’s scary right now but your life and your kids lives will massively improve once you offload this abusive prick. It’s hard though when someone has torn you down for years with gaslighting and other awful behaviour.

As far as him having contact with the children, you probably can’t prevent that but please do watch out for him using his tactics on them. My ex did a number on our children and while one no longer has contact with him as a result the other one continues to struggle to deal with him and there’s very little I can do apart from remind them they don’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone including those they’re related to.

You can’t let your daughter grow up in this environment.

I’d set about getting out of the situation asap.Am sure there are many posts on MN which could advise you as to how to go about it for the sake of your future and your children’s.

In all this time your councillors never spoke to you about the cycle of abuse ?

They never told you that you were being abused ?

What would you tell your daughter if it was her relationship?

I was that little girl once.
My Mum begging me not to leave the room, my Dad screaming at me to get out of the room (I was 5). I was torn, so I left the room but sat on the stairs and watched him hit her.
I remember it as clear as day now (early 30s).

Stay strong, leave your husband, you can do this. Show your daughter we leave these types of men. Show your daughter what strength looks like. Show your daughter we don’t tolerate abuse, shouting, name-calling, those men don’t get to live in our house.
You can do this, this isn’t your fault.

The first one did. The second one asked if I wanted to make the marriage work and I said I did. But I kept things from her that I should of said. She did say I needed to be more assertive and set boundaries but the problem is I would and he would jump over them and I stupidly still stayed. I believed I was the problem. The most recent lady said to me, I need to do what makes me happy and strong even if he doesn’t like it which I’ve done and now it’s become clearer I need to leave he just isn’t going to stop and he’s just going to take away any happiness in my life. I’m definitely going to divorce him. He’s sleeping in another room we barely speak unless about the kids basic stuff. My eldest is doing her exams so I said to him we need to keep it calm for her so she can get through her exams and he’s agreed to that but I feel like he’s thinking I’ll back down again. I promise you I won’t. I won’t stay with him. I know ill
get half of everything. Im angry that I’ve stayed so long.

How dare he behave this way and call you names, don’t stand for this crap.

Sorry but you need to get rid of this piece of shit. He is the problem not you, you can do this and you are strong xx

I would be angry too. I hope you continue to have therapy to look at why.

And don’t hold back - or you may find yourself in the same situation again one day.

Right now you are doing everything you need to do. Keep going.

What the hell have I just read?
Yours and your kids lives will be a million percent better without this waste of space in it, he called you a cunt in front of your child?!
childhood trauma from parents stays with kids. Divorce the bastard take half of everything and live your best life with your kids.
Hes an abuser, he wants you to feel ground down and downtrodden. As for your ‘friend’ I have no words.
As they say on Mumsnet get your ducks in a row and leave the bastard!

@PopThatBench I’m so sorry you witnessed this, I witnessed similar but at 10 years old.

That awful memory never leaves you, I still sometimes think about it xx

Be strong OP- he’s a total waste of space. Ring woman’s aid and get some financial advice. You need to get out and get your kids out.

Sending so much support. You've been through hell. I can see in your words that you're ready to put him behind you. Well done for developing this strength OP x

Op I was similar to you. Don’t feel bad that you’ve gone through this abuse. It’s him, not you. They take every part of you, but by bit, until you can’t see yourself any more and you believe it’s all your fault.

I saw it suddenly, one day, when he turned on my daughter too. It was scary but I had some help from women’s aid, I got through it and never looked back. I found myself again, and happiness. Be strong, you can do this.

He's a horrible, horrible person. You should never have taken him back. Going to counselling for your own sake - good idea, if you really thought you needed it. Going to counselling to 'fix' yourself so that he deems you worthy to have a relationship with? Hell no! He's the one who's the problem. I doubt you'd have needed counselling in the first place if it weren't for his treatment of you.

He’s abusive,a liar and a cheat.

You need to get rid of him and actually divorce him this time.

You deserve happiness.

Just to echo what everyone else is saying OP! You deserve better! This type of man is always so lovely until he's got a woman where he wants her, and then gradually, bit by bit, he breaks her down, all the time telling her that it's her fault, if only she did this, that or the other, everything would be OK, but then when she does it, it's still not right for him. I believe that men like this are actually mentally unstable, and should be locked away like a criminal for all the damage they do to other human beings, but needless to say, that's never going to happen. So, we just have to learn how to deal with them and the best way to do that, is to leave, and show them that you're strong, and that for all their power, you won't be beaten.

You ARE strong OP! You CAN do this, and you can show your kids that this sort of behaviour is NEVER acceptable. Now, go do what you've gotta do, and if you need reminding, or a kick in the pants, be sure and post again, so that we can support you.

Sending a virtual hug and a parcel of courage your way.😁