I don’t even know where to start. Our relationship has always had its ups and downs, he’s never liked me having a social life, always back late when he knows I’m going out. Or there will be a drama at home when I’m out etc. It got a lot worse around 5 years ago after our 3rd child was born. I’d hired a friend to take over my position at our family business as she was in need and I had to go on maternity leave.
He became distant, had a short fuse would cause arguments over nothing and blame me, we went away for a week and he kept walking off disappearing being moody for no reason, and then decided to sleep in another room. It got worse and worse until I finally told him he had to leave our family home I couldn’t take it anymore. We spent around a year apart. In that time my friend kept being mentioned, he brought her things too. Eventually I got into his phone bills. Found even when we had been away he was on the phone to her every day. When we split it was morning noon and night texts at 5am through to 11pm at night - he kept saying - she’s just a friend that I’m fucking crazy and need assessing.
Eventually I begged him to come back that I’d do anything and he said I needed to sort myself out and have counselling. So I did. We moved forward.
Now a few years later and lots of counselling and doing what they said - focus on myself and make myself happy, I started the gym back in February, I needed something for myself. Time away from him and the kids and the business. And it’s made me so happy, I feel so much stronger mentally.
There seems to be 6-8 week cycle of his outbursts, calling me horrible names - always in front of the children. Won’t let me have a say in anything, it’s always his way or the high way, no compromise at all. A couple of weeks ago he lost it, got in my face and called me a fucking cunt in front of our 6 year old, I shut myself away in the lounge so he would stop. My girl came through and she said mummy I’m so sorry I made daddy mad at you. It broke my heart. She thought it was her fault. It wasn’t and I told her she had done absolutely nothing wrong. I don’t want this hurting my kids.
The next day came a apology- could hardly call it that and I told him so. The next day another apology saying there’s no excuse for his behaviour but he was cross because I was offloading on him about the kids that week. So still again blaming me. I told him to sleep in another room and he went mad telling me im a fucking bitch he can’t stand to be around me and he’s done with this shit and selling the house. I agreed.
The hard part for me now is I’ve been told for years I’m crazy, I’m wrong, I need to change etc etc h counselling was a waste of money because he doesn’t see that I’ve changed.
I know i don’t want this anymore. But I’m second guessing everything. I just really need someone to tell me to be strong, it will be better once we’re divorced. That there is a better life out there. I’m just so scared of all the changes, having to move, I’m now jobless as can’t work at our business how will I afford to live with 3 kids and work. My work has been as flexible as I wanted working for myself. I just feel so anxious all the time and my hearts racing when I wake up in the morning. Sorry I’m completely waffling now.