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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not arranging MIL visits

51 replies

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:48

My partner leaves his mum waiting for weeks until he replies to her WhatsApp messages. We're in a group chat the three of us, and I feel so guilty when she asks whether she can see us and he doesn't reply, but I also don't think it's my job to organise visits for his family. Is it okay that I have ordinary chit chat on the group chat and share updates on my kid but pass the buck when it comes to organising visits? I'm thinking about leaving the group chat and asking MIL to contact me if she wants to talk to me or see updates on my child and stop including me in the when shall we meet up chats because it makes me feel awful seeing my partner ignore her.

OP posts:
Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:49

If I knew we were free one weekend, and happy for her to pop over… I’d just jump in and “sure how about….”

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:50

YANBU.

Makes me so glad I don’t have sons!

fruitbrewhaha · 08/05/2025 15:51

Your husband is awful to his mother. I would
pull him up on it every time.

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:51

Is this stoner partner who’s addicted to cannabis?

if so, why would you expect any different?

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 08/05/2025 15:51

I'd probably quote her message and then @ your husband.

Why is he so rude to her?

KurtShirty · 08/05/2025 15:51

Maybe @ your partner and say you’d love to see her and you’ll let him make the arrangements? What a git

NicolaCasanova · 08/05/2025 15:52

His mum, he organises. YANBU

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:55

KurtShirty · 08/05/2025 15:51

Maybe @ your partner and say you’d love to see her and you’ll let him make the arrangements? What a git

Yeah, I always @ my partner when his mum gets in touch. I know she wants him to organise stuff himself too. I just find it painful being witness to all this ignoring and think it might be easier if I just wasn't in a group chat with the two of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:56

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:51

Is this stoner partner who’s addicted to cannabis?

if so, why would you expect any different?

Edited

Yep, one and the same. He really really doesn't think the cannabis has anything to do with his behaviour. He thinks it's down to mild autism and being overworked

OP posts:
KnittyNell · 08/05/2025 15:56

I would just go ahead and organise something anyway.

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:58

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 08/05/2025 15:51

I'd probably quote her message and then @ your husband.

Why is he so rude to her?

I'm not sure he even thinks he's being rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:59

fruitbrewhaha · 08/05/2025 15:51

Your husband is awful to his mother. I would
pull him up on it every time.

I do try to talk to him about it, but it's quite stressful being his moral compass you know. I'd rather he learns how to put on his big boy pants and deal with it himself

OP posts:
Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:00

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:49

If I knew we were free one weekend, and happy for her to pop over… I’d just jump in and “sure how about….”

I used to do this. It's quite a lot of life admin being the visit arranger for his mum, his dad and my own large family

OP posts:
Pashazade · 08/05/2025 16:00

Do you actually dislike her? I mean why wouldn’t you arrange for her to see her grandchildren, I know it’s not your job, but surely they’re missing out because their dads a waste of space, that’s hardly their fault. I’d leave him out entirely.

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 08/05/2025 16:02

It doesn't sound as though your marriage has much longevity in it if he's this rude and a stoner as well.

So in your shoes if I actually wanted to see your MIL, I'd make arrangements to do so.

Who knows what'll happen in the future and you might need her support then.

Flashflash1002 · 08/05/2025 16:02

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 15:55

Yeah, I always @ my partner when his mum gets in touch. I know she wants him to organise stuff himself too. I just find it painful being witness to all this ignoring and think it might be easier if I just wasn't in a group chat with the two of them.

Show quote history

Since he doesn't seem to react to your @ then why can't you talk to him in person and ask him to reply to his mum if it bothers you so much. .

And yes, she's his mum but as you feel so uncomfortable with the silence, is it really hard for you to jump in once in a while and say "Sure, we're free next Sat afternoon" ?

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:03

Pashazade · 08/05/2025 16:00

Do you actually dislike her? I mean why wouldn’t you arrange for her to see her grandchildren, I know it’s not your job, but surely they’re missing out because their dads a waste of space, that’s hardly their fault. I’d leave him out entirely.

Yeah, I've considered this. I like going to her place because my child likes her and I normally get a break from mumming while I'm there. It's a few hours on a train to get to her, so it's not something I can do without a bit of planning. I don't know how it would go down if I started doing visits to her without my partner there.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 08/05/2025 16:03

Whereas I'd be the first to say no-one should expect a person to be the social organiser for their partner, I also think that sometimes it makes sense to accept that he isn't going to do it.

That leaves you a choice of a quick answer in the chat - "What about the 17th? Come for lunch and if its nice we can go for a walk afterwards" or you knowing a perfectly nice Grandmother is being deprived of a relationship with her dgc, and your dc is/are being deprived of a goo relationship with his DGM.

I know which I would do.

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 16:03

You have bigger problems with you partner than this Op

mindutopia · 08/05/2025 16:05

I would just ignore the group chat and only communicate 1 to 1 with MIL. If she asks about visiting, simply say, I’m not sure you’ll have to check with Dh to see when he’s free.

The group chat sounds like a great way for him to push the responsibility for his relationship with his mum off on you. You can still send photos and keep in touch with her for your own benefit (if you want to!). But it means the only one not responding to her is him.

It’s fine if he doesn’t want to see his mum and if he doesn’t want a close relationship with her, but he needs to be responsible for that himself.

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:06

Flashflash1002 · 08/05/2025 16:02

Since he doesn't seem to react to your @ then why can't you talk to him in person and ask him to reply to his mum if it bothers you so much. .

And yes, she's his mum but as you feel so uncomfortable with the silence, is it really hard for you to jump in once in a while and say "Sure, we're free next Sat afternoon" ?

Edited
Show quote history

I do also talk to him about it. He's very good at not reacting to this stuff until it's the last minute. She lives a few hours away, so visits have to be planned in advance.

OP posts:
SplendidUtterly · 08/05/2025 16:06

His brain is probably so foggy from all the cannibis he smokes he probably doesn't even remember her whatapps. :(

Original poster
tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:07

CarpetKnees · 08/05/2025 16:03

Whereas I'd be the first to say no-one should expect a person to be the social organiser for their partner, I also think that sometimes it makes sense to accept that he isn't going to do it.

That leaves you a choice of a quick answer in the chat - "What about the 17th? Come for lunch and if its nice we can go for a walk afterwards" or you knowing a perfectly nice Grandmother is being deprived of a relationship with her dgc, and your dc is/are being deprived of a goo relationship with his DGM.

I know which I would do.

She doesn't live near to us, so popping over for a quick visit isn't possible.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 08/05/2025 16:10

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:49

If I knew we were free one weekend, and happy for her to pop over… I’d just jump in and “sure how about….”

No it is up to her husband

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 16:16

Is it good for your child to have to live with a drug taker? Inhaling his drug vape fumes.
Why not dump the boyfriend and enjoy freedom from him and create a happy, drug-free home for your child? Life is for enjoying.