Page 2 | Not arranging MIL visits

tecbrowidow · 2025-05-08T14:48:17+00:00

My partner leaves his mum waiting for weeks until he replies to her WhatsApp messages. We're in a group chat the three of us, and I feel so guilty when she asks whether she can see us and he doesn't reply, but I also don't think it's my job to organise visits for his family. Is it okay that I have ordinary chit chat on the group chat and share updates on my kid but pass the buck when it comes to organising visits? I'm thinking about leaving the group chat and asking MIL to contact me if she wants to talk to me or see updates on my child and stop including me in the when shall we meet up chats because it makes me feel awful seeing my partner ignore her.

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 16:16

Flossflower · 08/05/2025 16:10

No it is up to her husband

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In your relationship, clearly.

in others, there’s an ebb and flow and no strict delineation

lechatnoir · 08/05/2025 16:22

Well, he sounds a catch . He’s a Stoner that’s all he cares about. I honestly don’t know why you’re either surprised or attempting to engage him.

please don’t let your child grow up thinking this is the norm. I know I’m sure he doesn’t smoke it in front of him, but believe me as he gets older he’ll know something’s off and by the time he is a teenager, he’ll have worked it out. And that will be his role model.

CurlewKate · 08/05/2025 16:25

If you’re all on the WhatsApp group I can’t see a problem with saying “How about the 27th?”

Noshadelamp · 08/05/2025 16:54

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:03

Yeah, I've considered this. I like going to her place because my child likes her and I normally get a break from mumming while I'm there. It's a few hours on a train to get to her, so it's not something I can do without a bit of planning. I don't know how it would go down if I started doing visits to her without my partner there.

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You're allowed to have a relationship with your mil without your DH.
I know it's not popular idea on mn but you can be friends with your mil for friendship sake.

I'm not saying to do the life admin and kinkeeping on behalf of your dh but you can have your own friendship with his mil if you want.

cleo333 · 08/05/2025 16:59

So sad . I would pull him up on it too mindful that this could happen to us too as parents . My partner would call his mum now in a heartbeat if he could and is regretful not seeing her as much as he could have done when she was alive

Original poster

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 17:08

CurlewKate · 08/05/2025 16:25

If you’re all on the WhatsApp group I can’t see a problem with saying “How about the 27th?”

Visits take up the whole weekend and some because she doesn't live near by, so it's quite a lot of extra work. If she lived close I'd be more willing to just arrange for her to pop over sometimes.

OP posts:

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2025 17:17

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:03

Yeah, I've considered this. I like going to her place because my child likes her and I normally get a break from mumming while I'm there. It's a few hours on a train to get to her, so it's not something I can do without a bit of planning. I don't know how it would go down if I started doing visits to her without my partner there.

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If you split with him in the future, you may want to maintain a relationship with her independently of him., And It may ensure the kids maintain one with her too. It's not your job, but if it's a friendship that could be fulfilling for you her and the children it might be worth the mental load.

CarpetKnees · 08/05/2025 17:29

tecbrowidow · 08/05/2025 16:07

She doesn't live near to us, so popping over for a quick visit isn't possible.

Edited

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I still think the same applies - if you get on, then why wouldn't you invite her up for a couple of days every now and then. Or arrange to meet for lunch somewhere half way.
Yes, it would be good if your partner behaved like an adult, but he isn't. You then have a choice whether to continue to nourish your dc's relationship with dgm, or not.

Finteq · 08/05/2025 17:30

Can't you leave the chat??
She should be asking him in a personal chat.

Finteq · 08/05/2025 17:32

Hope previous message doesn't sound too harsh but just have your own chat with her. But leave the group chat

Then if she asks him it's up to him. Or up to her to ask you directly.

I think its the fact that it's a group chat that you are having this issue.

sunshineandshowers40 · 08/05/2025 17:33

In this situation I would just organise/ suggest dates or leave the group.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2025 17:43

@tecbrowidow

I'm afraid you'll have to drop the rope on this one. If your DH doesn't arrange for his mum's visits to you/your visits there then that's all there is to it. It is his responsibility and his mum needs to learn how to give it to him with both barrels if she feels neglected.

Personally, I'd be thinking about the totality of my marriage if I were you. Doesn't sound as if he adds much to your life. On the up side, then you'd be able to arrange to see MiL on your own if you liked.

SpryUmberZebra · 08/05/2025 17:45

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 15:49

If I knew we were free one weekend, and happy for her to pop over… I’d just jump in and “sure how about….”

That sets the precedent where she is responsible for organizing visits for his mother while he shirks any responsibility.

MeganM3 · 08/05/2025 18:01

He’s an adult. I would not arrange it. You could just put something in response like ‘xx let your mum know any dates that might work’ and then leave it.

SpryUmberZebra · 08/05/2025 18:03

SpryUmberZebra · 08/05/2025 17:45

That sets the precedent where she is responsible for organizing visits for his mother while he shirks any responsibility.

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@tecbrowidow To add to my post, after reading your other threads about this guy what exactly is it you get from this relationship with a guy who prioritizes smoking cannabis over spending time with his wife, you’re lonely even through you’re married. He’s a jerk to his own mother and can’t be bothered to keep in touch with her. How do you think you can depend on him when it matters?

Your username is literally a reference to the fact he is so consumed with his job and getting hjgh that you’re like a widow. Think of it.

Mexcitedfam · 09/05/2025 06:49

tell his mother that he’s a stoner, hence the poor message interaction

cannaecookrisotto · 09/05/2025 07:15

I know it’s the principle of it but I generally wouldn’t mind making arrangements with her 🤷🏼‍♀️. I speak to my MIL about visits (and life in general) because my OH works 6 days a week and if it was left to him the kids would be 25 by the time she got a response. I like MIL, happy for her to come even when OH isn’t here, at this point in our relationship I just consider it as making arrangements with a friend or my own family. I think she prefers having a natter with me rather than him anyway and I like spending time with her, as does the kids.

It’s probably taking up more of your headspace worrying about group chats and “it’s his mother not mine”, than just replying with “we’re free on Saturday morning, fancy a cuppa?”. I’m a big believer in choosing my battles but I appreciate everyone is different

PicaK · 09/05/2025 07:28

Start sorting your own visits to see the nice Grandma. Then you can keep that up when you ditch her loser son.

BoxOfCats · 09/05/2025 07:36

Your biggest issue is your useless lump of a partner.

Pashazade · 09/05/2025 08:12

I often visit Grandma without my husband, but this is because we can go during the week whilst DH is at work, I have a very close relationship with her though so this does make a difference I accept. I would genuinely leave him out of it. As a PP said it sounds like you may end up needing to sort visits anyway if he stays so checked out so just go by yourself, if he has a problem with that then he should engage. I’d work on your one to one relationship so hopefully your child can still have a good relationship with her regardless of your marriage.

Naunet · 09/05/2025 08:22

Mexcitedfam · 08/05/2025 16:16

In your relationship, clearly.

in others, there’s an ebb and flow and no strict delineation

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Yeah right, I bet the number of men making plans with their MiL to see the grandkids, is close to zero. Ebb and flow in this case, means a woman taking up the slack for a lazy man.

OP, him and his mothers relationship is their business, she raised him, you don't need to parent him again. However, if you have a good relationship with her and enjoy seeing her, I'd maybe arrange to see her separately. Or you could just tell her what you've told us, suggest she has a strong word with him, and leave the group.

Mexcitedfam · 09/05/2025 08:31

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AaaahBlandsHatch · 09/05/2025 08:46

CurlewKate · 08/05/2025 16:25

If you’re all on the WhatsApp group I can’t see a problem with saying “How about the 27th?”

I think what lots of PP aren't accounting for is that there's always lots of thinking/organising/communicating to be done aside from the "let's do X date" message.

I can't do X, how about Y?
Y after 2pm is good, how's that?
etc etc

And even once you've pinned down a date/time:
Messages about potential outings/meals while she's here... Who picks her up from the station?... It's the kids birthdays soon, shall I bring their presents with me so you have them in time? Are they still in 9/10 clothes or should I get the next size?... do you need a lift back to the station? What time?... Traffic's bad/train's delayed, can you pick me up a different time?...

As soon as OP replies to the first message, she's inescapably signed up to all this and more (because the boyfriend won't do any of it).

CarpetKnees · 09/05/2025 15:40

cannaecookrisotto · 09/05/2025 07:15

I know it’s the principle of it but I generally wouldn’t mind making arrangements with her 🤷🏼‍♀️. I speak to my MIL about visits (and life in general) because my OH works 6 days a week and if it was left to him the kids would be 25 by the time she got a response. I like MIL, happy for her to come even when OH isn’t here, at this point in our relationship I just consider it as making arrangements with a friend or my own family. I think she prefers having a natter with me rather than him anyway and I like spending time with her, as does the kids.

It’s probably taking up more of your headspace worrying about group chats and “it’s his mother not mine”, than just replying with “we’re free on Saturday morning, fancy a cuppa?”. I’m a big believer in choosing my battles but I appreciate everyone is different

This is my thinking.

My (now adult) dc have a lovely relationship with their grandparents, largely down to the fact I facilitated it when they were smaller and dh would never get round to seeing them more than about once a year.

I'm glad my dc have the benefit of that relationship. I could have put 'principles' before it, but I felt it was worth doing and is hardly that big a deal, to do it

saraclara · 09/05/2025 15:57

CarpetKnees · 09/05/2025 15:40

This is my thinking.

My (now adult) dc have a lovely relationship with their grandparents, largely down to the fact I facilitated it when they were smaller and dh would never get round to seeing them more than about once a year.

I'm glad my dc have the benefit of that relationship. I could have put 'principles' before it, but I felt it was worth doing and is hardly that big a deal, to do it

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While in general I think it's the son's job to be the primary organiser, I'd also have my kids in mind.

I loved my MIL. She was a fantastic grandma. Fortunately my late DH was a considerate son and planned and discussed with me our weekends to visit. But had he been useless, in this kind of situation, I couldn't sit and watch MIL get hurt, and my kids not see her.

I'd just jump in with "as far as I know, we're free next weekend, MIL, and it'd be lovely to see you. @ uselessDH is your calendar still free?"