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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having one child in a lone parent household is the same as 2 parent 2 child?

53 replies

KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:15

I meet with a friend on a weekend with her two kids. She's from nct class so second baby the same age.

I'm a lone parent as I was left during pregnancy and no family local.

Friend was just saying how easy it must be for me and how I don't get stressed etc and how my house is tidy.

I forgo washing my hair, social life, hobbies, clean my house after work and plan everything to try and make it work for my child (18 months).

She's got a husband who WFH apet from two days a week, she's not working ATM and kids will go to nursery two days a week when she's back at work in the next few weeks. (She took extended leave of 1 year than gardening leave and now starting new job).

Anyway she says I have it mega easy with one.

Aibu in thinking it's much the same?

OP posts:
Sahara123 · 08/05/2025 10:21

I imagine it’s much harder being a single parent? You don’t have a partner to share the physical and mental load with for a start. I take my hat off to you, it must be hard. I mean, my husband is incredibly messy at times which I could do without, but generally speaking we share most things.

Original poster
KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:22

Sahara123 · 08/05/2025 10:21

I imagine it’s much harder being a single parent? You don’t have a partner to share the physical and mental load with for a start. I take my hat off to you, it must be hard. I mean, my husband is incredibly messy at times which I could do without, but generally speaking we share most things.

She's got two so harder? I don't know.

OP posts:
Pennyplant19 · 08/05/2025 10:23

She’s ridiculous. I raised my daughter alone and know how hard it is. I take my hat off to you Flowers

Original poster
KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:23

When I go to my parents it doesn't seem any easier, harder almost

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 08/05/2025 10:28

It's easier being a lone parent than being partnered with a shit partner, in a lot of ways. It's easier being partnered in a decent equal relationship than being a lone parent.

Juiceinacup · 08/05/2025 10:29

Your friend is an idiot, I’ve been a single mum of 1 ( the dad disappeared off for years, quite frankly the best thing he ever did) and then I had another child with my DH, there is no comparison. On person to look after both then the other person to do shopping, chores whatever or have some personal time. Single mums don’t have anyone to just hand child over to and have all the mental load on themselves

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/05/2025 10:30

Sounds like a crap husband issue driving her comments.

Caerulea · 08/05/2025 10:30

I almost voted yabu cos you're wrong - it's harder being an single parent even if it's just one child, it's not the same. Obvs that's compared to a healthy family with supportive partner etc.

I've 3 & married, my closest friend has one & a pathetic ex - no doubt my life is easier & less emotionally & mentally draining.

NuffSaidSam · 08/05/2025 10:33

I don't think there is any benefit for anyone in debating who's life is easier/harder. There are far too many variables and even if we come to an objective conclusion ...so what?! The person with the harder life gets a medal? A gold star? A feeling of superiority?

Dweetfidilove · 08/05/2025 10:33

GoldDuster · 08/05/2025 10:28

It's easier being a lone parent than being partnered with a shit partner, in a lot of ways. It's easier being partnered in a decent equal relationship than being a lone parent.

This pretty much sums it up.

Women with crap partners spout a lot of shit. You either highlight their madness to them or shrug it off 🤷🏾‍♀️.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 08/05/2025 10:34

I am a single mum of one dd

I would say, it's better than having multiple with a husband, ime - if you're not working that is

If you're working, or able to work from home, I still think it'd be easier, as long as you have a support system and childcare

Its not easy! But I personally think its not so bad

I feel quite proud really, of our little set up x

Readytohealnow · 08/05/2025 10:34

KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:22

She's got two so harder? I don't know.

Show quote history

Of course it isn’t-her partner can take both giving her a ‘well deserved break’ from painting her nails, styling her hair or whatever else she does while sitting around all day not working.
Being a single working parent is tough. And I am not one! Full respect for them!
Your friend has a cushy life.

ARichtGoodDram · 08/05/2025 10:36

Her need to insist someone has it easier or harder is just silly.

I have 6 kids, including 1 that needs full time care, but I have it easier than a single parent with 1 child at a demanding stage because I have a husband who does an equal share, family who help and money to have a cleaner etc.

Also harder and easier can be a day at a time - today I have loads of help, DD is in respite, DN is in nursery.
Tomorrow DH, MIL and our adult children are going to a family funeral so I'll have a terminally ill 10 year old, a 3 year old and an 11 year old solo. Depending on how dd is it could be the day from hell trying to juggle it.

I have it easier now, despite the numbers, than when I had 2 and a shit partner who made life harder overall. Life was easier as a single parent than being in a relationship with him.

Sounds like your friend has a DH problem

Babyboomtastic · 08/05/2025 10:37

I think they are probably comparable but different.

The solo mum doesn't get a break (I'm assuming no family to help in this), but it's only ever one child.

In the two parents, two children situation, there's more opportunity to be child free, but some of the time will be spent juggling two children.

One parent, one child, means that parent can concentrate 100% on that child rather than balancing competing needs, but there's no fallback, no contingency etc.

In terms of day to day, it may be easier for one parent and one child, then (for example) a family where dad works away a lot. But that doesn't take into account the emotional burden of being the only parent.

It also doesn't take into account other help. On paper my relative who is a single mum to a 2-year-old has it harder than me as a married mum of two. But child stays over with family at least 2 nights a week, is with dad for another 2, and it's very much group parenting.

Guavafish1 · 08/05/2025 10:41

Both unreasonable

Original poster
KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:43

Yeah she said I had it easier when she was late to meet us. I didn't say anything about her being late and felt it was a dig.

Her husband is helpful, she says so and I see it.

She also didn't want to have a second one and booked in for termination as it was just too difficult with the first. So I dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:44

Babyboomtastic · 08/05/2025 10:37

I think they are probably comparable but different.

The solo mum doesn't get a break (I'm assuming no family to help in this), but it's only ever one child.

In the two parents, two children situation, there's more opportunity to be child free, but some of the time will be spent juggling two children.

One parent, one child, means that parent can concentrate 100% on that child rather than balancing competing needs, but there's no fallback, no contingency etc.

In terms of day to day, it may be easier for one parent and one child, then (for example) a family where dad works away a lot. But that doesn't take into account the emotional burden of being the only parent.

It also doesn't take into account other help. On paper my relative who is a single mum to a 2-year-old has it harder than me as a married mum of two. But child stays over with family at least 2 nights a week, is with dad for another 2, and it's very much group parenting.

Edited

Than she's not a solo mums. She's a single parent. Much easier.

OP posts:
UpsideDownChairs · 08/05/2025 10:44

Some things easier (no other adult to consider when making decisions or doing anything), and in some ways harder (once your child is in bed, that's it, you're trapped at home unable to pop to the shops or do anything without pre-arranging a babysitter)

2 vs. 1 - meh, more heavy lifting (literally when they're toddlers), but you've got two hands, I didn't feel much difference going from one child to two (2+ and it's trickier - not enough hands, getting them in the car is a pain etc)

Original poster
KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:46

UpsideDownChairs · 08/05/2025 10:44

Some things easier (no other adult to consider when making decisions or doing anything), and in some ways harder (once your child is in bed, that's it, you're trapped at home unable to pop to the shops or do anything without pre-arranging a babysitter)

2 vs. 1 - meh, more heavy lifting (literally when they're toddlers), but you've got two hands, I didn't feel much difference going from one child to two (2+ and it's trickier - not enough hands, getting them in the car is a pain etc)

Oh God don't remind me about the being trapped at home. Hardest adjustment I had to make

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 08/05/2025 10:46

Being a single parent is harder because you can’t tap out, ever. Not even at night can you fully relax. There’s no one else to lean on, no one else to discuss things with. No one to help you make parenting decisions.

Yes, it’s very hard to run around after two kids. Exhausting. I myself had 2 under 2. My point still stands.

I would back off from this friend. Trying to play the Hard-done-by Olympics is not what good friends do. She doesn’t get gold because she has to kids, she shouldn’t even care if her life is “harder.” It’s vacuous and self serving.

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 10:48

Well people can cope better or worse with any number of children or single or couples household as all people are different so I don't really get the comparison

LoveSandbanks · 08/05/2025 10:49

Even with a crap partner you can probably nip to Tesco's when the kids are asleep! When
yiure a line parent that’s not an option.

comparison is useless but I think your friend is wrong. (I’ve never been a single parent - not even thought I was “basically a single parent” when he worked away m-f).

ARichtGoodDram · 08/05/2025 10:52

KeenBlueSnail · 08/05/2025 10:43

Yeah she said I had it easier when she was late to meet us. I didn't say anything about her being late and felt it was a dig.

Her husband is helpful, she says so and I see it.

She also didn't want to have a second one and booked in for termination as it was just too difficult with the first. So I dunno.

Sounds like she's very unhappy and has likely convinced herself that everyone has it easier.

I used to have a friend like that, but had to walk away in the end as it was just too much. Telling me I had it easier because I'd become a SAHP when she had to work was the final straw - she works two dinner times in the school a week, I gave up work because my terminally ill child needs more and more care as time goes on.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 08/05/2025 10:53

I don’t get your post, where you as the lone parent are thinking it’s much the same? I was going to vote that your friend was being unreasonable but you seem to be agreeing with her.

mbosnz · 08/05/2025 10:53

I think your friend has quite a nerve saying that. And not a whole lot going on in the whole imagination/observation skills department.

The solo parent, has sole and ultimate responsibility for the child - no one to bounce the worries off, share the duties with, share the all consuming prides and milestones with, the skut duties when it comes to D&V, meds, and discipline.

They are the sole provider, far too often. If they can't afford it, their child can't have it, be it ever so necessary, and there is only one income to do that providing.

They have to divide their time up without another to share the load, even if the only part that the other half picks up is putting the bins out, that's still one tiny thing that isn't on their shoulders. If they can't find the time, then it doesn't get done - whether that's making a meal, washing the clothes, working the overtime (see third paragraph above), going to school assembly, going to the library or the park, remembering and fitting the vaccinations in.

I would have broken under that, I think, regardless of whether it was one or two.