Having one child in a lone parent household is the same as 2 parent 2 child?

[KeenBlueSnail]

I meet with a friend on a weekend with her two kids. She's from nct class so second baby the same age.

I'm a lone parent as I was left during pregnancy and no family local.

Friend was just saying how easy it must be for me and how I don't get stressed etc and how my house is tidy.

I forgo washing my hair, social life, hobbies, clean my house after work and plan everything to try and make it work for my child (18 months).

She's got a husband who WFH apet from two days a week, she's not working ATM and kids will go to nursery two days a week when she's back at work in the next few weeks. (She took extended leave of 1 year than gardening leave and now starting new job).

Anyway she says I have it mega easy with one.

Aibu in thinking it's much the same?

I think when people start comparing who has it easier it becomes - a phrase popular on MN - 'a race to the bottom'.
A PP summarised it nicely by saying something like 'comparable but different'.

I don't know if any other way so I don't know if it is easier and really I don't care if one is or isn't. There is always someone else with it "worse"

... And who cares, it doesn't make the moment of struggle go away.

I've got a dryer, dish washer, good delivery, phones etc. I think I've got a hell a lot easier than a lot of people

I'm a married mum of 2. I think it is much easier than being a lone parent of one. I think the 1:1 dyad can be really intense, there's other people in my family to change the dynamic a bit. We deliberately created bedtime routines which could be done by one adult so the other adult could either go out or clean up, then we had time together after the kids were in bed. When I was ill there was another adult to pick up the slack. I hung out with a lone parent friend, she was excited to leave her kid and my kids with me in her house and pick up a chippy tea, it gave her a few minutes of not being responsible, I had that any day I wanted (any day, not every day!)
Not to mention the stuff we just outsource to each other. House stuff is easier with 2 of you, you can split the occasional tasks (fence blew down, need a locksmith, whatever falls apart in your house!)
Two kids are not twice as much work as one. Logistics can be tricky but easier with a second adult!

Not sure what to vote but I think you must have it harder than your friend.
I have 2 DC and a DH plus I also had family who helped. I considered myself very lucky I had the support.
My DDiL copes with a ND DC on her own with little help. She doesn’t have time to make friends because she’s working and has little to no time to herself. This IS hard.
Don’t do yourself down being a single parent is VERY hard work.

I suppose it depends on the relationship she has with her partner, if it’s good and they share the load 2 are no harder than 1? Plus she’d have someone to share to emotional load.
Anyway, it’s not a competition, every family is different. You really can’t compare.
Actually, I’ve just re read your OP. She’s pretty insensitive really, thinking it’s so much easier for you !’

That’s different, you’re away from home, routines and the relationship with your parents makes it different. Not comparable with being at home with two full time parents .

It's silly to compare.

They come to me as well, And it's still hard. I end up project managing or doing the work myself so not any easier imo

Honestly I think there’s too many variables to be able to compare the two situations.

I know lots of my friends who have two children say they didn’t realise how easy they had it with just one child at the time, but once they have their second they see the time they have with just one child as a real treat and an “easy” time. That’s a perspective I suppose you just can’t have as a parent of one child so in that sense you don’t know how she feels.

Being a lone parent is harder in the sense that it is all you 100% of the time, that’s something that I don’t think most 2 parent families can fully understand and so she probably doesn’t really know how you feel. But then I know some women who feel that way even despite being married/with the dad because it all lands on them anyway, like the post on here a few days ago about the mum who couldn’t leave her child with her husband because he would forget to feed them or give them a drink, so in those situations I can absolutely see where it’s easier to just be a single parent and not have to worry about another adult as well.

This hit the nail on the head.

Life is tough as a parent of young child/children. Being a single parent is so hard though especially when there is no co parent either. No one to help make decisions, no financial help (benefit top ups are only helping you to survive not enjoy life) No one to take over or share the load when you tired or unwell. No one to watch your child whilst you shower, nip to shops, cook.

This is what I was trying to say !!

It sounds like she's got a shit partner or she's unhappy with her lot if she's thinking the grass is greener in your household.

I am a lone parent; one now adult and one 16 yo. It's all on me.
My life has opened up again in the last few years since I've been able to leave DS home alone.

She should not moan to a lone parent. I only have a moan about things to other lone parents - they get it.

Her partner isn't shit, from what she says or I see

I have no idea why people feel the need to tell single parents they have it easier because of whatever random reason they have come up with.

Do not compare yourself to others, that way lies disaster IMO

Guess she was having a bad day?

Two kids are not twice as much work as one.

On that I will vehemently disagree.
I found that in terms of difficulty, one child was like having a pet, two like a zoo.

It's 2 squared. So not just twice the work, but more than that because of the additional juggling.

Time with one child is like a holiday in comparison.

Then you could just respond with a "I'm sorry you're finding things so hard". She's looking to the wrong person if she wants to vent about how hard it is with 2 young children.

But how many partners did you have?

I wish I said that

One. The same one for both.
That's not to say you have it easier, or she has it easier.

But this notion that 2 kids aren't twice the work of 1, is true for some people, but for others it's the opposite.

Being a lone parent of one is much harder than a couple with two children.

Re-reading the original post again, with your updates, it's clear that she's struggling with juggling two children.

Given both are nursery/below school age, the gap must have been quite small. If I'm honest, I find the 18m/3 age, where both were mobile but both young, the hardest stage in parenting so far.

I was averaging 3-4 hours broken sleep a night and juggling two needy children when not working. My youngest was still bf upto 10 times a night and was inconsolable if I wasn't there. I had/have an amazing and very involved husband but she'd scream the house down (waking the eldest who didn't sleep through anyway) if I wasn't there. I remember the freedom of going to the coop round the corner for milk when she was about 18m old (husband in the house) because hey anxiety without me was sick that it wasn't tenable before.

I wouldn't and didn't complain about this too single parent friends, but it might be that your friend has struggles which are making her not be able to see the big picture at the moment.