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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the weird one?

35 replies

ToadRage · 08/05/2025 09:16

I have noticed over the years if my in-laws are visiting us or we are visiting them if someone is putting the kettle on to make drinks, I am left out because i don't like hot drinks. Is it really so hard to offer me a soft drink that i know they have, while they are having tea and coffee? It's the same at dinner, it is totally alien to me to have hot drinks with dinner, not to mention having to excuse myself half way through to get my own drink. It also happens with dessert, if i am not having what they are having i get nothing. I complained to my husband and he has improved a little but if his parents are doing it, it never changes.

OP posts:
Laiste · 08/05/2025 09:22

Totally not being unreasonable to expect a host to give their guests a drink which suits them. (unless they're asking for unicorn tears or something obvs 😂)

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:24

They have hot drinks with meals? That's unusual. They sound rather useless at hosting.... unfortunately you'll have to ask if you need a drink.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/05/2025 09:25

Do you ask for a soft drink? There’s no point sitting there seething rather than saying “I’ll have a lemonade if you’ve got one please, or whatever else you have” and then complaining to your husband later. Particularly odd doing it in your own house - just call to whoever’s making the drinks to pour you whatever you want whilst they’re at it.

Oneearringlost · 08/05/2025 09:28

So, not even a glass of water at the table, with a meal?

masterofdoom · 08/05/2025 09:30

ComtesseDeSpair · Today 09:25

Do you ask for a soft drink? There’s no point sitting there seething rather than saying “I’ll have a lemonade if you’ve got one please, or whatever else you have” and then complaining to your husband later. Particularly odd doing it in your own house - just call to whoever’s making the drinks to pour you whatever you want whilst they’re at it.

if your having people for a meal you ask everyone what they want to drink who has a meal without a drink why wouldnt you ask somebody what other drink they want because you know they dont like hot drinks? im glad i dont come to yours for a meal if you dont offer one person something because they have different needs or whatever and you leave them out hardly polite

Outwiththenorm · 08/05/2025 09:31

We don’t buy any soft drinks (except for parties etc) but we’d offer you a glass of water. Or alcohol with dinner…

Wisterical · 08/05/2025 09:34

You can get yourself a glass of water, surely. Re the puddings, are you expecting them to provide a separate one just for you? If so, YABU.

ItGhoul · 08/05/2025 09:34

Yes, it’s weird and rude not to offer someone an alternative.

Although I also think it’s a bit odd that when they say “Anyone want a tea / coffee?” you don’t just say “Could I possibly have an orange juice instead, please?”

I wouldn’t expect to be offered an alternative dessert though.

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 09:35

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/05/2025 09:25

Do you ask for a soft drink? There’s no point sitting there seething rather than saying “I’ll have a lemonade if you’ve got one please, or whatever else you have” and then complaining to your husband later. Particularly odd doing it in your own house - just call to whoever’s making the drinks to pour you whatever you want whilst they’re at it.

This. People think of hot drinks as a different mental category to soft drinks, and it won’t necessarily occur to someone to substitute Coke or Sprite or something for tea or coffee. Are you saying you drink a soft drink with dinner? I have to say it would never occur to me to offer anything other than water with a meal, unless it was wine.

I’m not sure I understand about dessert. Surely at someone else’s house, there’s only a single dessert? If you don’t like it, you don’t get dessert?

MoistVonL · 08/05/2025 09:39

People often drink tea and coffee as social bonding, not because they are actually thirsty.

Just ask for one.
“Shall I put the kettle on?”
“Could you please get me a glass of water while you’re doing drinks? Thanks.”

Expecting a separate dessert is a bit much.

masterofdoom · 08/05/2025 09:40

Wisterical · Today 09:34

You can get yourself a glass of water, surely. Re the puddings, are you expecting them to provide a separate one just for you? If so, YABU

bit rude they know he only likes soft drinks not to buy any in for him and bascily tell him to get make himself a glass of water

feelingbleh · 08/05/2025 09:41

Your family if I was your in-laws I would hope your comfortable enough to help yourself

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:43

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 09:35

This. People think of hot drinks as a different mental category to soft drinks, and it won’t necessarily occur to someone to substitute Coke or Sprite or something for tea or coffee. Are you saying you drink a soft drink with dinner? I have to say it would never occur to me to offer anything other than water with a meal, unless it was wine.

I’m not sure I understand about dessert. Surely at someone else’s house, there’s only a single dessert? If you don’t like it, you don’t get dessert?

Show quote history

You see I don't drink alcohol so if I was eating a meal at someone's house and was only offered water, I'd be quite miffed and would consider it depressingly frugal. I don't particularly like fizzy drinks but a cordial, squash, small glass of juice.

I find it a hit strange that people have no other soft drink than water. I mean drinking water comes from the tap so it's there by default rather than having to buy...so hardly welcoming.

lollylo · 08/05/2025 09:47

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:43

You see I don't drink alcohol so if I was eating a meal at someone's house and was only offered water, I'd be quite miffed and would consider it depressingly frugal. I don't particularly like fizzy drinks but a cordial, squash, small glass of juice.

I find it a hit strange that people have no other soft drink than water. I mean drinking water comes from the tap so it's there by default rather than having to buy...so hardly welcoming.

Show quote history

I don’t like any other soft drinks. I don’t think a lot of them are healthy, artificial sweeteners or full of sugar, so don’t routinely buy them. My older kids buy their own now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/05/2025 09:47

masterofdoom · 08/05/2025 09:30

ComtesseDeSpair · Today 09:25

Do you ask for a soft drink? There’s no point sitting there seething rather than saying “I’ll have a lemonade if you’ve got one please, or whatever else you have” and then complaining to your husband later. Particularly odd doing it in your own house - just call to whoever’s making the drinks to pour you whatever you want whilst they’re at it.

if your having people for a meal you ask everyone what they want to drink who has a meal without a drink why wouldnt you ask somebody what other drink they want because you know they dont like hot drinks? im glad i dont come to yours for a meal if you dont offer one person something because they have different needs or whatever and you leave them out hardly polite

It’s usually a verbalised two-way process. When we have guests I’ll ask “Who wants tea or coffee?” at which point everyone pipes up to say “tea please, milk and one sugar” or whatever. And that’s the OP’s cue to say “I’ll have a water / orange juice please.” I can’t fathom sitting in silence and then being annoyed that nobody guessed what I wanted to drink.

neverbeenskiing · 08/05/2025 09:51

I agree with you about the drinks, if I have guests I will always offer a cold drink to anyone who doesn't drink tea or coffee. The dessert thing is a bit odd though, surely if you're having a meal at their house you either eat the dessert they've offered you or you go without? I wouldn't expect to be offered an alternative option, it's not a restaurant!

KatyaKat · 08/05/2025 09:52

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:43

You see I don't drink alcohol so if I was eating a meal at someone's house and was only offered water, I'd be quite miffed and would consider it depressingly frugal. I don't particularly like fizzy drinks but a cordial, squash, small glass of juice.

I find it a hit strange that people have no other soft drink than water. I mean drinking water comes from the tap so it's there by default rather than having to buy...so hardly welcoming.

Show quote history

We don't drink soft drinks, so it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to offer squash with a meal, it's nothing to do with frugality...although, on reflection, alcohol is generally a more limited choice of wine or beer with a meal, whereas soft drinks could be juice (multiple types), squash (multiple types), coke, fanta, sprite, etc., should I buy all of them?

Original poster
ToadRage · 08/05/2025 09:54

I was raised to believe its rude to ask for something when its not been offered. I mainly drink Coke and they always have that around cos his Mum drinks it. Re. dessert, i am not expecting them to go out of their way but if i am hosting i say if you don't want this would your prefer that, there is always an alternative.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:57

ToadRage · 08/05/2025 09:54

I was raised to believe its rude to ask for something when its not been offered. I mainly drink Coke and they always have that around cos his Mum drinks it. Re. dessert, i am not expecting them to go out of their way but if i am hosting i say if you don't want this would your prefer that, there is always an alternative.

Edited

I was raised that way too....but the problem is they weren't raised to offer...so you have no choice!

masterofdoom · 08/05/2025 09:57

ComedycookIt’s usually a verbalised two-way process. When we have guests I’ll ask “Who wants tea or coffee?” at which point everyone pipes up to say “tea please, milk and one sugar” or whatever. And that’s the OP’s cue to say “I’ll have a water / orange juice please.” I can’t fathom sitting in silence and then being annoyed that nobody guessed what I wanted to drink.

or even better how about you ask people who wants a drink and what theyre having and buying soft drinks to give people other options it seems strange to me hes a regular guest they know he doesnt drink what they offer so why not offer them something else makes sense to me

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/05/2025 09:57

ToadRage · 08/05/2025 09:54

I was raised to believe its rude to ask for something when its not been offered. I mainly drink Coke and they always have that around cos his Mum drinks it. Re. dessert, i am not expecting them to go out of their way but if i am hosting i say if you don't want this would your prefer that, there is always an alternative.

Edited

I think you need to work past thinking it’s rude. It’s perfectly normal, particularly with people you’ve presumably known for years and who you know are waiting for you to speak up. This is family, including your own husband, not total strangers you don’t want to inconvenience.

Comedycook · 08/05/2025 09:58

KatyaKat · 08/05/2025 09:52

We don't drink soft drinks, so it wouldn't necessarily occur to me to offer squash with a meal, it's nothing to do with frugality...although, on reflection, alcohol is generally a more limited choice of wine or beer with a meal, whereas soft drinks could be juice (multiple types), squash (multiple types), coke, fanta, sprite, etc., should I buy all of them?

Show quote history

If I was regularly having guests over, I would probably keep some stuff in. I mean things like squash, cordial and the odd can of lemonade last for absolutely ages in the cupboard so it's unlikely to go to waste over a long period of time.

WayneEyre · 08/05/2025 10:00

I don't keep soft drinks in (pop, squash, juice), as I don't drink them but would offer you water at least. If I knew someone who did and came regularly, I'd just buy a bottle of cordial. Ask for a glass of water/ a cold drink when they're doing the teas. They'll soon get into the habit.

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/05/2025 10:02

Life frequently brings me examples of people offering a group of people tea/coffee but not offering other drinks to those who say no - with friends, work and family this is perfectly normal I think. I wouldn’t expect family members to offer me something else on those occasions, I would just get it for myself.

I also think you should get your own drink to go with dinner, but that’s just what happens in my world.

Unless they know they are serving a pudding you don’t like (which would be rude), I don’t think you can expect a different one to be available for you.

masterofdoom · 08/05/2025 10:06

CuriousGeorge80 · Today 10:02
I also think you should get your own drink to go with dinner, but that’s just what happens in my world.

by doing that your singling somebody out for being a bit different (dont mean that in a bad way) and making them feel like theyre not being catered for the same as the other guests