What to do about ex in-laws

[Wispywind]

I split up with my ex 5 years ago. I don’t speak to him at all, I don’t want to know anything about his life, nothing. Our children are adults so there is no need for us to communicate. Our oldest still see’s dad, but youngest wants nothing to do with him because of the way he treated me (cheated).

Anyway, I still see my ex in-laws every now and again, and my oldest see’s them on a regular basis.
The relationship between in-laws and I has obviously changed, they never come to see me now, I would need to see them, but it’s usually for birthdays etc. we do not phone or message one another outwith these celebrations.

As my oldest still see’s dads side of the family, they obviously ask “hows mum, how’s sibling, what has mum been up to etc”, and oldest child says. Now they aren’t doing anything wrong by saying, I’ve got nothing to hide.

Now my AIBU, I am raging because every single thing gets passed to ex husband, everything. I’ve found out (from my oldest) it’s ex’s youngest sister who passes on this information. If I decorate the house, it gets passed on, if I go on holiday it gets passed on and this just really annoys me and I don’t know if IABU?

My oldest came home after seeing his dad and gave me a heads up to say his dad was saying he was going to phone me to meet for a coffee, was saying there was still feelings there for me etc. I have no interest in meeting up with ex, none at all. I told my oldest to tell his dad not to bother calling me. I also went to see he’s sister in law (the one that blabs everything to ex), to tell her this. Her words were “why his oldest carrying stories”, and she then contacted her brother (my ex) to tell him our oldest was carrying stories, all the while she is doing the exact same!!!!!

Sorry if this is all a bit garbled, but I’m raging.

My oldest doesn’t even know where his dad stays, has never met the ow, despite asking as he has been told, it’s none of his business, but they get to know all about my business.

AIBU to be angry.

It’s irritating, but I think you just have to let it go. The alternative is putting your DC in an uncomfortable position where they don’t feel able to talk about their lives with their grandparents or get the impression that perfectly ordinary things are somehow secretive. The real problem seems to be your ex who is passing inappropriate information via your children e.g. wanting to get back together with you: I’d communicate to him that that’s completely unacceptable - directly to him, not via your DC, it’s not their role to act as go-betweens, particularly not for something sensitive like this which is likely to be upsetting for them.

As the DC get older they’ll naturally become more circumspect in what they choose to share with family members, and will recognise more clearly the dynamics of it all.

Honestly? I think you need to tell this man that you aren’t interested directly. It’s weird for him to tell your child that he still has feelings for you, even if they are an adult. please don’t use your child as a go between.

Your child isn’t doing anything wrong in telling his relatives about you, provided that it isn’t deeply personal. That you went on holiday and painted the downstairs loo is normal chitchat.

I agree it is normal chit chat, but oldest will go and see his dad,(his dad will call him to arrange to meet up for dinner) and his dad will be saying “oh I hear your mum is doing this and I hear your mum is doing that”.

its just all come to a head with me because our oldest asked his aunt (ex SIL) if he had seen dads new house (ex and ow have just bought a new house) and son said he would like to visit. Ex SIL said it’s nothing to do with him if she has visited new house and it’s nothing to do with him about where his dad lives.

I never ask my son anything at all about my ex. When he have me a heads up about his dad saying he was going to contact me, I just said flippingly “tell him not to bother” and left it like that. The reason why I spoke to ex SIL about it is because I knew she would pass the message on.
i have no interest in opening any line of communication with my ex at all. He is blocked on everything apart from emails.

Our children are adults

So old enough to understand the privicy issue here between his divorced parents. Ask your eldest to tone down info he's passing on if it's mainly to do with you (his mum), and tell him to tell his father he's not passing messages between you.

Then contact your ex and tell him to stop trying to use your son as a go between, and that there's no hope of reconciliation.

Keep it down to simply that.

So he and a woman he is dating have just bought a house … and he’s told his child that he still has feelings for you? That’s weird (and messy) unless he means a fondness for the mother of his children, not romantic feelings.

I completely agree, but then I don’t care it’s nothing to do with me, they can live in their own little world/nightmare/heaven, I’m just glad I’m not part of their twisted scenario anymore

Agreed.

You and ex need to sort this out but STOP PUTTING YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE CARRYING MESSAGES BACK AND FORTH. It's ridiculous and unfair to children, no matter how old they are.

This dynamic is called "triangulation". Look it up and have a read.

Your ex-SIL enjoys passing information along to cause drama. It's a well-known tactic of toxic people (otherwise known as shit-stirring).

She will enjoy extracting information from your son under the guise of just "chatting" to him so he is quite likely completely unaware of her tactics.

You could speak to your son and say something simple and light like, "I know it might feel a bit awkward, but I'd rather you didn't tell SIL/ex anything about my life and my business. I like to keep my life private from them if that's ok with you." Then give him a big hug.

Lastly, remember - it's not you, it's them.

Just wynd your neck in. I have said in my post I DO NOT ask anything about my ex. I have never said I continually ask my son to say this that or the next thing to my ex. I have said I flippingly said to my son “tell,him not to bother” and that is that. It was then I went to my ex sister in law to pass the message on to her brother.

I know you can’t and won’t shut your dc out of your life. Why should you? And they are allowed to chitchat about things with people who love them.

But, I can be petty. If DC has a sense of humour, start feeding stories to ExSIL. Lovely stories. Fun stories. Stories to make ex’s eyes pop. But, I can be petty.

I think your son is of an age where he can just refuse to talk about you.

My kids decided when they were 11/ 13 that they didn’t want to gossip about me, it really doesn’t have to be a problem.

As far as I am aware, it’s only been that one message, nothing more. In fact if I’m honest, it wasn’t actually a message to pass to me, it was more of my son giving me a heads up that his dad was going to get in touch. The same night and it was this same night I spoke to ex sister in law to pass the message on.

So everything that is pased on comes from your son? and he is an adult?

So the issue is with your son and nobody else. How you deal with that is entirely dependent on what relationship you have / want with your son

This would really annoy me too.

but I was thinking of my own position when I was a younger adult. It’s really hard when your parents have been apart a good while but there’s normal kind of chit chat about people you know. My dad dgaf to know about my mum but she would ask me everything about his life and it was creepy. Eventually I twigged that it wasn’t right to tell her anything and I’d change the subject but she really felt she had a right to know - she told me off aged 30 (!) for not telling her about a new relationship he was having.

I had a proper chat with her and said I saw them as very separate people, I didn’t feel it was right to gossip about my dad, and she got it but it took some time. I think your eldest might have to lay it out for them!

@Wispywind you should also tell you children not to answer any questions about you at all!! they are blabbing the info to all and sundry in your ex's family!!

I have a really close relationship with my son. My son will tell my ex in-laws how I am and I am fine with that, he is just making general chit chat with them, ie (them)how’s your mum (him) she’s doing good, she is away on holiday just now blah blah blah.
it is only recently I have found out ex sister in law is the one passing all information onto my ex. Son has known about this for some time but has only just told me.

I am annoyed because my ex sister in law complained my son was carrying stories when my son gave me the heads up that his dad was saying he was going to contact me, and all the while she is the one carrying stories.

I completely agree with you, it is inappropriate. I only know my ex and ow have bought a house because son was upset ex in-laws said it’s none of his business as to where his dad stays 🤷🏻‍♀️. Apart from that I know nothing about their life, and I dint want to. I never ask my son anything about my ex when he goes to see his dad.

Do you think so? See I’m thinking then that I am putting my kids in an awkward position? I might go and see ex in-laws myself and say to them not to ask anything, but then I don’t think they would listen, I genuinely think they would still ask.

I can see how this could be annoying but there doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it.
You're best off just cracking on with your own stuff and ignoring any ex drama.
The best revenge is a life well lived.

Honestly I think just ask your son to make the chit chat more general.

How is your Mom? She is good thanks, she sends her best wishes to you. She is enjoying the fine weather etc.

If he says nothing personal then nothing can be passed on. He is an adult.

Your DS needs some stock replies - yeah, she's fine, I'm not sure...etc. No volunteering information like holidays, decorating.

Why can’t your son just say “she’s fine thanks” it seems like it’s all basically coming from him so if it annoys you just say please don’t give details because with respect while they are your family they aren’t mine now and they don’t need to know every move I make.

I told my mum, ‘I’m in a difficult position, because you two have separate lives, and I’m uncomfortable answering questions about dad - not because he’s making me uncomfortable, but because I know he’s a private person. So please don’t put me in that position.’

my mum pushed back, something about a unique bond, blah blah, but I said he definitely doesn’t think like that and doesn’t ask about you, and you have to understand you’re two very separate people in my mind, so it’s weird to come here and talk about him.

Finally she got it but it was hard going. Maybe your son needs to harden up a bit and tell them something along those lines. It’s not to do with hiding things from your in-laws, just more like breaking the connection. You’re divorced, it’s water under the bridge, nothing to see here

Why are you letting your ex-SIL and Ex-H live in your headspace.

The opposite of love is indifference. Your ex SIL sounds toxic. Stop caring.

I would chat to your DS that your SIL seems to be doing some not nice stuff and for him to be wary for his own sake.

Be glad you are free of the drama and support your son in developing healthy boundaries with them for his own sake.