What to do about ex in-laws

[Wispywind]

I split up with my ex 5 years ago. I don’t speak to him at all, I don’t want to know anything about his life, nothing. Our children are adults so there is no need for us to communicate. Our oldest still see’s dad, but youngest wants nothing to do with him because of the way he treated me (cheated).

Anyway, I still see my ex in-laws every now and again, and my oldest see’s them on a regular basis.
The relationship between in-laws and I has obviously changed, they never come to see me now, I would need to see them, but it’s usually for birthdays etc. we do not phone or message one another outwith these celebrations.

As my oldest still see’s dads side of the family, they obviously ask “hows mum, how’s sibling, what has mum been up to etc”, and oldest child says. Now they aren’t doing anything wrong by saying, I’ve got nothing to hide.

Now my AIBU, I am raging because every single thing gets passed to ex husband, everything. I’ve found out (from my oldest) it’s ex’s youngest sister who passes on this information. If I decorate the house, it gets passed on, if I go on holiday it gets passed on and this just really annoys me and I don’t know if IABU?

My oldest came home after seeing his dad and gave me a heads up to say his dad was saying he was going to phone me to meet for a coffee, was saying there was still feelings there for me etc. I have no interest in meeting up with ex, none at all. I told my oldest to tell his dad not to bother calling me. I also went to see he’s sister in law (the one that blabs everything to ex), to tell her this. Her words were “why his oldest carrying stories”, and she then contacted her brother (my ex) to tell him our oldest was carrying stories, all the while she is doing the exact same!!!!!

Sorry if this is all a bit garbled, but I’m raging.

My oldest doesn’t even know where his dad stays, has never met the ow, despite asking as he has been told, it’s none of his business, but they get to know all about my business.

AIBU to be angry.

It sounds like your son is a bit of a gossip himself, some of the things he has said seem a bit unnecessary information.
He needs to stick to the “yeah she’s all good thanks. Busy.” reply. He’s old enough to understand boundaries. Surely he wouldn’t like it if you bumped into one of his exes and started telling them all about his life. It’s the same thing.
Extended families can be a real headache.

See I don’t think he is gossiping “hows your mum” “yeah she’s good, she is decorating just now”……that’s it, this is just normal chit chat.
To me it’s my sister in law gossiping, she is the one that is passing on all the information to my ex.

I’m going to go and see ex sister in law and have words with her, she is the one passing in all information.

Is this the only type of information being passed on, holidays or decorating etc? If so, I think I'd struggle to give a shit who does or doesn't know this. Makes sense your DS is just making idle conversation, which is completely normal; but very odd that ex SIL feels the need to pass on this mundane information.

I'd honestly just let them get on with it, they clearly don't have enough going on in their lives if they're so interested in your DIY!

Your son isn't a child. Have a frank conversation with him and ask him to not talk about you or things you're doing, as it's none of the ex-family's business. If he gets asked "how's mum?" Or "what's mum been up to?" Then he needs a few stock answers such as "she's fine thanks" or "not a lot". If they press then he tells them he's not there to talk about you. He's an adult, so he's old enough to know how to deal with these things and why you'd want things kept private.

See I don’t think he is gossiping “hows your mum” “yeah she’s good, she is decorating just now”……that’s it, this is just normal chit chat

I’m going to go and see ex sister in law and have words with her, she is the one passing in all information

No No No No No and for the avoidance of doubt absolutely NO.

Your DS is the one passing on information about you - stop the flow at the source, ie your DS. Yes he can say "Yeah Mum's good thanks", but there's is no need to say ANYTHING more. If he passes nothing on, then ex SIL has nothing to pass on. She obviously likes the drama, so if there's no information, there's no drama. And the very last thing you do is go and see her to have words - wow that really is entering a high drama situation and will escalate so fast your feet won't touch the ground.

Tell your DS to be a little more discreet with your life details, as it's making things difficult for you. He doesn't have to be rude to his grandparents - Like I said before a simple reply of "Yeah Mum's good thanks - shall I put the kettle on ?" will be perfect. If grandparents have no info to pass on to SIL, SIL has nothing to pass on to your Ex. But if you go to see she, oh boy will she have a tale to tell.

I just can't get over your in laws, (just your SIL?) telling your son it is none of his business where his own actual father lives! How hurtful for your son. So your ex never had him stay over at any place or hasn't invited him to his new place? what an awful situation. The SIL with all her gossiping, hypocrisy and nastiness sounds like a right piece of work. But I just wouldn't really care re them knowing some basic details of your life. It just shows you have moved on and are doing fine. Who cares about their pathetic dramas.

Your SIL is just doing what your son is doing though, it’s not your ex-PILs business either. The conversation could be going the same way with your ex - I assume your SIL is your exs sister, so she’s just having chit chat with her brother if you view it that way.
If you confront your SIL she will turn the blame to your son. If your son didn’t put the information out there she would have nothing to tell your ex.

But then if I were to ask her anything about my ex (her brother) I would be told it’s none of my business.

Yes, it was SIL that told my son it was non of his business if she had seen my ex (his dad) home, and it was none of his business where he stayed.

He moved in with ow very quickly after I found out about their affair into her home, they have now bought a home together and since that time, he has never introduced our son to ow (despite son asking to meet her) and he has never been to his home. Son only sees his dad when it suits his dad. Which is about 3 times a year.

I did not mind my son saying to my in-laws about silly things, it is natural, as I said we do still have a relationship of some sorts, but what I do mind, is my sister in law complaining about my son giving me a heads up about his dad going to call me after what he said, so saying he is “spreading stories” when she is doing the exact same thing.

i have only found out she has been going back to ex and telling him things as my son has not long told me this although he has known for a while.

It’s difficult even when they are adults. I’d prefer not to know a thing about my ex, but my adult kids live with me so if they see him they will tell me stuff. I also assume they talk about me. Decorating or holidays wouldn’t bother me. But if there’s anything I don’t want him to know I will specifically say “don’t tell dad” it’s hard to police their conversations when it’s general chit chat like that. I wouldn’t want to make them uncomfortable by telling them they couldn’t discuss me at all.

Honestly, I think you need to distance yourself from your sister in law. Do not use her to commute/pass messages from you about your ex.

Your son needs to be more careful about what he says when he visits his grandparents/aunt.

The blah blah blah is the problem. He just needs to say yes good thanks. No further details

But that’s because you are her ex family and she doesn’t owe you anything. Her loyalty will be to her brother, so if he asks she will tell, but only because your son has given her the information.

I’m interested in the phrase “carrying stories”. I’ve never heard it before.

An adult child shouldn't be passing any info on about you to anyone you might not want to know.

As a child of separated parents I knew how much privacy was necessary (on both sides) and never discussed the other parents or family past "she's doing well thank you" as there is no just need to go further.

To be honest I would say the same about any friend or relative, if it's not my news then it's not my business to talk of it. I afford my adult daughter the same privacy, apart from agreeing that she's well, if someone actually cares enough to enquire then they can enquire directly from her

Which it isn't

So what we are getting here is that you don't like your SIL gossiping and indeed you don't like your SIL very much - that's fine, you no longer need to have a relationship with her.

And you don't like her knowing stuff about you that she will pass onto your ex - again, fine. If it's all coming from your son, then that's where you need to put your energy, surely?

What does “outwith” mean? And “carrying stories?” Very strange terminology.
I’d stop seeing or speaking to in-laws and instruct your kids not to say a single word to any of them about what you do or don’t do! Nothing at all.

The OP is Scottish, I would guess. Outwith means outside of. Carrying stories is telling tales. Not strange, just Scots.

Your ex-SIL sounds like the weird one here. I'd just avoid her. It sounds like she has a dramatic angle on everything, with everyone.

The weird situation with your ex buying a house with OW but also telling your adult son that he wants to get back with you... That sounds like a separate issue. Ignore that one too.

If you just avoid the two weird people above, then it won't actually matter that your son tells them you went to Spain or painted the kitchen green. They can feast on that pointless information as much as they want to. Or, you can ask him to keep it minimal. But it's not going to stop your ex and his sister being annoying, for as long as you have contact with them or have to hear about them.