Not tidying up after dh - pety?

[Whiteflowerscreed]

TYPO PETTY!!

I’m a week or 2 away from giving birth to third baby. Im tired most days looking after 2 preschoolers full time

my husband works from home a lot and he does jobs around the house. He is often helpful at bedtime if he’s around etc. but my pet hate is that he makes lunch and leaves everything out in the kitchen and expects me to tidy up. I’m sahm.
im not his maid. Today I was pissed off to find half a soup with a plastic lid off, chopping board, crumbs bread knife, cheese left open etc.
I just pushed it to the side of kitchen counter and stacked up all the bowls, pan etc

my husband has come down, seen it and fuming. Muttering how petty I am. How I should have tidied it up. I replied if he got his lunch things out he could put them away.

SIL is here and saw the whole thing. Is now being very off and cold with me. AIBU should I have tidied up? SIL clearly thinks so.

I made the kids tea and tidied up so technically could have done husbands stuff too. So I was petty leaving it but I wanted to make a point that I don’t exist to clean up after someone who has hands and should tidy up after themselves.

what do you guys think?!?

It's always difficult to balance responsibilities when you're a SAHM as I guess the point of having someone who doesn't contribute financially is having someone to do the kids and household stuff. Get a job then you won't have this debate.

He's being a dick.

When someone is WFH it is reasonable that they would not be expected to contribute to general household tasks like unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry etc.

But he should 100% be clearing up after himself as a general rule. Fair enough it is an occasional thing because he's particularly busy. But just expecting you to clean up like you are waiting on him in a restaurant because he is So Important is really rude.

He created the mess he can tidy it up, this isn't household mess it is him being lazy and disrespectful. SAHM or not you are not his slave and you are also heavily pregnant so fuck that shit.

yanbu you are a stay at home MUM but you are not HIS mum.
sit down and write lists of household jobs and allocate fairly. It may help. Also make sure to discuss how to balance it all post new baby.

if you want to be petty, work out the weight of your baby and make him a rucksack with that weight in to carry on his front for 24hours.
his sister should be pointing out his idiocy too.

For context, my husband worked away from home at the end of all my pregnancies and post birth, he would get up early and make us all a packed lunch in the fridge so all I had to do was open the Tupperware, because he understood how hard it was.

You are mum to the kids, not him. Don't doubt yourself! I heard all of this rubbish with my ex husband and it made me lose all respect for him. It didn't change went I went back to work fwiw. I can't ever imagine treating anybody like that - making a mess and expecting somebody else to clean it up. It's disgusting, entitled behaviour

If you're washing up anyway , i am sorry but it's really petty to deliberately not wash the things he used. You're meant to be a team!
You're very close to having your baby so I understand that you're knackered but you both need to be cutting each other some slack.

Don't go into the early days with a new baby at each other's throats over petty stuff.

Oh OP, you've got a real Prince there. You're already in a trap with soon to be 3 kids, so you're a bit screwed but for god's sake stop being his on tap housemaid. I bet he didn't make lunch for you or the kids, did he..........

Ugh first post telling you to get a job. Fucking hate mums net sometimes. You have almost 3 small children! Nothing wrong with staying home and looking after them if your husband can support it financially.

No, you're not unreasonable. He is a lazy sod who is taking the piss.

He's angry because you've shown him up in front of his DSis. Other days you've cleared up so he thought it was a done deal, well this might teach him a lesson, if he has time to make himself lunch then he has time to clear up the mess he's made. Why doesn't he make lunch for you Op, you're very pregnant, he should be looking after you

Part of making lunch is putting away the food after. I don't know if he needed to wash the dishes and wipe down the bench (though I would've) but he should've put the soup, bread and cheese away at least. I would've told him I assumed he hadn't finished and was having more.

I'd agree with this if it was an occasional thing. But the OP says he does this repeatedly and just expects her to clear up after him, which is massively disrespectful. Teamwork is a two-way street - he shouldn't be creating additional work for his very heavily pregnant wife.

And like the OP said, she's a SAHM not his maid!! OP this would infuriate me too. If my kids are taught to clean up after themselves then he's not exactly being a good example.

If he had made lunch for everyone then I can kind of understand that the OP may then be expected to clear up after. If he's making stuff for himself only, of course he should tidy up after himself. Would he leave a work kitchen like that?

So because he's working, he's superior to her in the relationship? Childcare costs for 2 will easily wipe out a second income.

YANBU.

I work an office job and you're not allowed to leave your lunch messily in the office kitchen for the cleaners, you need to tidy up after yourself. If someone ever makes a mess, an email goes out to be respectful and clean it up.

This is the same. SAHM is your job, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need to tidy up his own personal mess.

thanks for all the replies even those disagreeing with me!

tbh the way I see it:

Doing the laundry / my job
Picking up his pants off the floor / not my job

Clean the bathroom / my job
Scrub his skid mark with a toilet brush / not my job

Make dinner / my job (most of the time)
clean up after his lunchtime mess / not my job.

There is a line between what is household work and picking up after a grown adult job.

and to the person who said get a job. Yes in the future I will go back to work but as it stands I’ll be a bit busy in the near future with newborn etc

You shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with. Just tell him assertively and politely that he left his stuff on the kitchen and can he clean it up please?

YANBU, OP, he seems to have decided your his mum too, which is deeply unattractive, he can fuck right off. SIL is irrelevant, she doesn’t get an opinion, just ignore and be cold right back.

Keep refusing to be DH’s maid, he will learn.

Teamwork IS a two way street and the op said that her dh DOES do stuff around the house. He's not a bloke who doesn't do anything plus he's working from home not lounging on the sofa. He might have time to make a sandwich before he has to get back on a call but not time to clean it up.
I just think it's not worth falling out over.

If it was such a small petty job, why couldn’t he have done it?

Exactly.

Did you even read the OP? She’s a week or two away from giving birth. Probably not the time for jobhunting?

There’s a difference between leaving them there because he cannot be bothered and leaving them there as he doesn’t have time. If he constantly leaves his dirty dishes in the sink then I understand you not feeling like doing them.

I think this is spot on.

And sister is probably a bit embarrassed that you were rowing in front of her? I'd hate that as a visitor.

Re the person who told you to get a job. Wtf!

You are not being unreasonable. Why on earth can’t he clean up his own mess?

As pp have already said...

If it's petty for you not to do it, then it's petty for HIM not to do it. So why are you the one getting punished for it.

All this would be true anyway but you are literally about to give birth and I imagine standing/walking is not very comfortable right now anyway!