Not tidying up after dh - pety?

[Whiteflowerscreed]

TYPO PETTY!!

I’m a week or 2 away from giving birth to third baby. Im tired most days looking after 2 preschoolers full time

my husband works from home a lot and he does jobs around the house. He is often helpful at bedtime if he’s around etc. but my pet hate is that he makes lunch and leaves everything out in the kitchen and expects me to tidy up. I’m sahm.
im not his maid. Today I was pissed off to find half a soup with a plastic lid off, chopping board, crumbs bread knife, cheese left open etc.
I just pushed it to the side of kitchen counter and stacked up all the bowls, pan etc

my husband has come down, seen it and fuming. Muttering how petty I am. How I should have tidied it up. I replied if he got his lunch things out he could put them away.

SIL is here and saw the whole thing. Is now being very off and cold with me. AIBU should I have tidied up? SIL clearly thinks so.

I made the kids tea and tidied up so technically could have done husbands stuff too. So I was petty leaving it but I wanted to make a point that I don’t exist to clean up after someone who has hands and should tidy up after themselves.

what do you guys think?!?

I take this level of petty with DSS. Used dishes earlier and left them on the side for me.

I warmed my tea washed my plate and left his. He’d used 2 large bowls, cutlery, Tupperware a glass and plastic bottle. I had a plate and a fork so like fuck I was doing it. They can stay there until the morning. He left his breakfast dishes this morning which I washed so tomorrow his breakfast dishes will be added to tonight’s and they’ll stay there until he realises. Watch this space.

FFS, he's working a desk job, not saving the world, does he not think most people who work a job manage to clean up their own lunch things? I'm so sick of men who think having a child means he should have less to do than a single man. Well done you for refusing to be his skivvy, he's being so disrespectful.

It's petty and passive aggressive to tidy up everything else and not tidy up your DH's things.

Not being petty looks like you pointing out calmly that you are not his maid and please could he tidy up his own stuff.

If you've done the non petty version a couple of times already, then you may progress to the petty version. It's not clear if you have.

He absolutely thinks you are his skivvy.
So disrespectful to leave a lunch mess.
And he's fuming?
Yea, hes a twat.
Your SIL is a twat too.
Mind yourself.
I hope you have family for support.

Some of the responses on here!
First off he isn't ‘helpful’, he’s parenting his own kids. While he’s working you are too - looking after preschoolers is a full time (nay, it’s a 24/7) job.
I was a SAHP. My DH was out at 7.30 back at 8. So I did do all the childcare. But he paid for a cleaner who also did his ironing and NEVER made a mess. He hung up his suit, he put his laundry in the basket, he didn’t leave so much as a coffee mug in the sink. He did most of the cooking at weekends and tidied as he cooked so there was only the dishes we ate off to put in the dishwasher.
If your DH made lunch (and did he make you some too?) he should put his stuff away, especially refrigerator foods.
Your SIL has no business passing judgement.

I can’t think of any scenario where DH or our teens would think it acceptable to leave open packets of food out for someone else to put away.
Saucepans sometimes to cool down, and the teens do leave dishes stacked neatly on top of the dishwasher instead of putting them in sometimes, they’re not perfect. But just walking away expecting someone else to clear up after you ? Never.

You have exactly the right boundaries OP, you’re at home with the DC so you manage the general household chores during the day but you don’t have to pick up after another adult treating you and your role in the family with no respect

If he was hurrying back to a work call or whatever and didn’t have much time for lunch, then yes I think you should have tidied his lunch stuff up. He doesn’t sound like a bad person. It doesn’t really matter who made the mess - if you were in the kitchen doing jobs and he was on work calls, I think you should have cleared it up. If you hadn’t got to the kitchen to do chores, that would be different - it would have been fine to leave for him to clear up later. But you were in there doing stuff so I think petty to have put the stuff to the side.

You have preschoolers. Childcare is your job.

Clearing up after your kids, and clearing the kitchen when you can, after you make their food, is your job.

Your childcare job is full time. You don't even get to piss in peace. What is a lunch break?

Regular housework - cleaning, laundry, making dinner etc... that is up for debate. But the debate starts at 50/50.

You are not a maid. You have pre school kids, and are about to be on maternity leave. He needs to step up.

Also... skid marks? Pants on the floor? He should be ashamed. Ick.

Your job is to run the house. It's not to pick up after a lazy adult.

You need ground rules. Just because he works, doesn't mean he gets you following his arse around putting tops back on things and tidying his mess up.

How you have even had one child with someone who can't be bothered to check the toilet before he leaves the bathroom is beyond me. Practically threw up in my mouth hearing that. Don't get me started on the pants on the floor.
I left an otherwise blissful three year relationship because my partner wouldn't wash dishes or cook.

Kids notice these things and the division of labour.

Your partner is a grown man and you are not his unpaid skivvy.

It’s common decency to clean up after yourself no matter what the situation is, let alone when your wife is pregnant and looking after 2 children.

He’s a cunt of a man.

If he lived alone and hurried back to a call it would still be there after the call. So why expect someone else to clean up after him - that someone in OPs case being heavily pregnant.

When I work from home and make lunch, I don't just leave everything out for the next person to find and put away.
Question is if he was in the office would he have expected another member of staff or a cleaner to put it away?

@Whiteflowerscreed
Fantastic list I agree 100%

I hope new baby is a good sleeper 😴

Your H has confused you being a SAHM with having an actual slave. He needs reading the riot act and if he's not sorry for his pathetic behaviour, you will need to put your thinking cap on about the relationship once baby is safely here. The other examples you have given of his laziness are appalling.

You're 1 -2 weeks away from giving birth. He should be grateful you didn't stab him! 🤗

100% all of this… you absolutely have the boundary correct OP. Stick to this, he’s an adult, a father, supposed to be a partner…you’re not a maid, but you know this already judging from this post.

Oh, and fuck SIL, her opinion doesn’t count a single fucking iota x