To reach out to an estranged parent..

[Belle2023]

Hi, not sure if this fits entirely into this topic area but there's a sense of feeling like it is unreasonable to be thinking of doing this.
I haven't seen my dad for 13 years, no contact at all, no attempts to contact me from his end and none from me to him either. The contact stopped when I was 13, so I'm now grown and have started my own family.
I won't go into all the ins and outs but I did initially decide to not have him in my life because of his actions, how he treated both me and my family. One of the main reasons I haven't reached out to him as an adult (besides not being ready) is the fact it always bothered me he never tried to speak to me or see me again.
For the past 2 years I have been strongly considering reaching out to him by letter, I just don't know what to say or how to word it. Everything online I've seen suggests pouring your heart out in the letter but I really don't want to do this, I'm still not okay with him and in a place of wanting to pretend nothing happened (hope this makes sense) but I want to take a step in the direction of seeing if we can repair our relationship etc. What would you say? also is it completely unreasonable to be even considering this, he's obviously got on with his life and must be content to some extent without me in it, is it stupid to think this something he might want... to hear from me.
I guess I'm kind of asking if this is silly to be doing at all and if I was to attempt a letter how should I go about this...
Any advice would really be appreciated, as you can probably tell I'm conflicted.
TIA x

Do it if you think you can cope with the possibility that he will turn out to be an even bigger prick than he's seemed in the past, and won't want to know. Or that he'll seem receptive at first and then go back to behaving just like he did before. Maybe he just doesn't care about you; not because you're not worthy of love, but because some people just aren't capable of it. If you're prepared for more disappointment and think it's worth taking the risk, take it.

If you’re going to do this, keep the letter short, don’t give much away, take it all VERY slowly and be prepared for the very real possibility that he’ll reject you all over again and open up past wounds. IME a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

I think a father who’s not wanted to be in touch for 13 years must be pretty unemotional and you’re likely to find him very lacking.

what is it you’d like to know about him?

Just wanted to echo what @NineteenSeventyNine says. Don't give him your address, use a throwaway email, for your safety and privacy. If you meet him, protect these details for at least 6 months, so you have an honest idea of what he's like.

I think it’s ok to get in touch if it’s for you, not for him.

You could write something similar to what you’ve posted here:

Hi Dad
I hope this finds you well.
For the past couple of years I’ve found myself strongly considering getting in touch with you and I guess I haven’t because it’s hard to know what to say.
Though I have mixed feelings given our lack of contact over the years, I would be interested in seeing if we can repair our relationship little by little.
Please could you let me know one way or the other if you would also be open to this or not?

And yes you have to be prepared for him to say no or not reply, or for him to not be who you want him to be. I recommended giving yourself a deadline to “wait” otherwise a lack of response may drive you insane wondering.

Do you know how to get hold of him?

I am VLC with a parent myself op so I have some sense of how tough it is. Tread gently. You’ve done amazing without him clearly. I hope it works out how you want it to.

It’s worth a try. There is nothing more heartbreaking than a non speaking rift between child and parent.

Honestly, I don't think you will get what you are hoping for from this.

Men who can walk away from their children are not nice men and time doesn't change them.

My view may be clouded as I've been in a very similar situation and all I can say is I'm glad I didn't let my guard down as he was still a huge disappointment.

My advice would be to put him out of your head and keep on doing what you're doing. It's unlikely he will add anything positive to your life and you're opening yourself up for more heartache.

A toxic parent-child relationship where there’s still contact is sometimes worse and more heartbreaking. Agree NC is far from ideal, but sometimes it’s the lesser of two evils.

My ex got in touch with his estranged father after our DD was born - similar situation to yours, about 13 years no-contact following a brutal divorce and lots of bad feeling. His father replied and we all met up for a brief visit. My ex and I split up many years ago, but remain friends, so I know that he and his dad are still in regular contact, 40 years after that first reunion.

His father is a man of very few words, so its unlikely they've raked over the past much, but old wounds have been healed. I'd definitely write the letter if I were you.

I think for me it would depend a little bit on the circumstances of his leaving but important to remember that as children we are not always told the truth, the remaining parent can paint their own narrative. Some men just want an easy life and slink away, some just can't deal with emotional stuff, some are just proper arseholes who genuinely don't care. You need to be very prepared for the worst outcome and if you can deal with that, reach out. I agree about using a different email and keep him separate from your nuclear family until you are absolutely sure about him. Hopefully it will be positive and you can have some kind of relationship. I wish you the best.

I reached out to mine when I was in my 20s.

We’ll never be close the way I am with my mother but he’s a brilliant grandfather, DD loves and is now in close contact with all my paternal side of the family.

I would be realistic about expectations though and that you’ll probably have to bite your tongue a lot. My father still paints himself like a martyr in the divorce (he cheated).

That's not true. As an estranged parent myself, I have had many hours of therapy in order to understand my past behaviours. It was very in depth and sometimes very uncomfortable. But I have been able to change, it didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. I think and act differently now. I can't change the past unfortunately. My Daughter doesn't believe that I could change and won't let me show her. I think a lot is to do with the fact that she doesn't WANT to believe change is possible because she doesn't want to go against her decision.

You have it do it, it will forever eat away at you if you don’t. The only piece of advice I’d give you is don’t assume anything about his reasons for acting the way he did, even if they were extremely hurtful for you. Divorces can be extremely painful, and much can be hidden from a 13 year old child for all sorts of reasons about the behaviours of both parents. Certainly don’t pay any attention to the posts judging him until you’ve heard his side of the story.

There are a few differing opinions here that could most likely confuse you. Only you know your full story, only you are having these feelings. My advice, for what it's worth, without knowing the full details, is go with your gut. If you still want to make contact, make it brief and try not to be either over friendly or too stand-offish. Maybe just say you've been thinking about him recently and wondering if he's well & would he maybe like to take up contact again. If he replies, take it slowly and see how it goes. If he doesn't, then you can say you tried. Good luck with your decision

It’s worth a try. He may have reflected on his mistakes and want to hear from you. I agree with keeping it short and using an email that doesn’t identify your new surname (if you have one) - keep your expectations low and you won’t be too disappointed if he doesn’t respond how you want him to. If you don’t do this you’ll always wonder where and how he is.

I wasnt sure quite how the BU/NBU fits in, but voted NBU because whatever you want to do is not unreasonable. If pouring your heart out doesnt suit, dip your toe in. State what you have here- you have been wondering if there is any way to build a better relationship now there has been some considerable time passed, and is he open to that? And then see what happens? I would do it in writing - just keep a little distance at the beginning and a text or phone call is a little more full on.

If you dont reach out you will always wonder. If you do, you may be disappointed in what he has to say or in his actions (people who mess up badly enough that their children estrange from them often never really grasp their part in things).

Good luck, and best wishes to you whatever you decide.

I think you should make contact. I wish I made contact with mine sooner and that I’d tried harder to make contact.

My father was a difficult man and I didn’t have the best childhood. He left to return to his native country when he divorced my mum and contact just gradually fizzled over the years. He just gradually went off everyone’s radar. I often wondered how he was, why he hadn’t reached out to me. I tried to call him, sent a letter but no reply. A few more years passed, I was busy with my own family. I assumed he was happy in his new life. Perhaps he just didn’t care for me anymore.

Then one day I received a call to say he was very unwell in hospital. I flew straight out to see him thinking it might be the last time. Nothing prepared me for the man I found, he had severe dementia and he didn’t even know who I was. He couldn’t communicate. I wish I had made contact sooner. There’s so much I wanted to say, even to tell him that I loved him.

Send the letter, make the call. Good luck!

A view from the other side here. Eldest stepdaughter went nc with dh at 13, also around 13 years ago. He tried for several months to attempt to talk it out and save the relationship, pleaded with her mum to step in and help, but the refusals eventually took their toll and he went through something very similar to bereavement. He sent her a letter, told her he loved her and would always welcome her back, his love was unconditional (she may not have received it though, if it was kept from her). But that was it. He accepted her decision and almost had to flick a switch in his head. Every Christmas, birthday or other special occasion passing with no word from her was just too painful otherwise. There would never have been any form of closure otherwise. So he's not tried to make contact again. He would I'm sure welcome the opportunity to mend the relationship if she got in touch with him again though. I know he regrets the lost years and will be heartbroken if/ when she has a child.

You stopped contact with him. Your reasons are valid I'm sure, but you were just a child and the situation/ dynamics may have been more complex than you knew. He may ultimately have had to 'move on' in a similar way to how you have been trying to. But it's very likely he'll still welcome the chance to make amends.

That you're even considering it means it's most likely worth a try - then you'll know.

@Belle2023

I really understand you and how you feel.

My parents split when I was 9. My dad was kind of in my life till 16. I lived with him and SM for 6 months then moved back to mums. He never spoke to me again till I was 22 and only then because his DM was terminally ill and passed away and we were in the same room. He was in my life for 8 years, saw me married and have 2 kids then cut me off after I invited my SM (now his ex) to my DD christening. That was nearly 16 years ago and despite seeing him at my younger brothers events, he completely blanks me.

Over the years I’ve wonder if we would ever have contact again (so far not) but I know I would never want him in my children’s lives as I wouldn’t want to give him the chance to hurt them as he has hurt me so many times.

My view, you were 13. People saying give him a chance, well he's had all the years in-between to reach out of his own volition and hasn't. I personally would expect the parent to make the first move - I think the odds of it being a good decision long term are 4-1 if it was your dad making the first move I'd have said 50/50 depending on any hidden resentment.
Either way good luck 👍

Any father who disowns his daughter at aged 13 isn't a good man. I became estranged from my own father aged approx 28, after I found him using my address for his own financial purposes amongst several other things. He has not tried to reach out to me since. I had helped him through his divorce to mum and taken on a lot of emotional and practical labour for him when I was in my late teens so the fact he could discard me so easily really has stung. I bumped into him in town many years ago with my child in a pram, so he knew he was a grandfather aswell, but just didn't care. When my baby started crying, he just said 'grumpy little bugger' or similar words. His own grandchild! He really does not love me. I, like you, had thoughts of getting back in touch with him but i'm pleased I haven't now. It would have opened a can of worms.

This.

sorry

I contacted my absent dad after 14 years - I was 14 when they split, and the parental divorce had been truly acrimonious. I had my own babies by then, and he had remarried - I had a brother aged 6. It worked very well - we were close for another 14 years until his untimely death. He adored his grandsons. They adored him and their unexpected uncle and we all remain close.
The reason why he didn't keep in contact for 14 years was the vicious arguments with my mother every time he was mentioned.
My aunt (his sister) had stayed in contact with both of us. It was the best thing I could have done for my family.

I’m no contact with my father and have been for years. He’s mentally ill. I have very few happy memories of him.

I would echo what @NineteenSeventyNinesays,
don’t reveal too much
don’t hope for much
especially, don’t expect (or ask for) financial support
take it slowly
look after yourself
bear in mind, always, that he hasn’t been around for you in the past and likely won’t be able to change his lifestyle or emotions to any great extent now

good luck with whatever you decide