To reach out to an estranged parent..

[Belle2023]

Hi, not sure if this fits entirely into this topic area but there's a sense of feeling like it is unreasonable to be thinking of doing this.
I haven't seen my dad for 13 years, no contact at all, no attempts to contact me from his end and none from me to him either. The contact stopped when I was 13, so I'm now grown and have started my own family.
I won't go into all the ins and outs but I did initially decide to not have him in my life because of his actions, how he treated both me and my family. One of the main reasons I haven't reached out to him as an adult (besides not being ready) is the fact it always bothered me he never tried to speak to me or see me again.
For the past 2 years I have been strongly considering reaching out to him by letter, I just don't know what to say or how to word it. Everything online I've seen suggests pouring your heart out in the letter but I really don't want to do this, I'm still not okay with him and in a place of wanting to pretend nothing happened (hope this makes sense) but I want to take a step in the direction of seeing if we can repair our relationship etc. What would you say? also is it completely unreasonable to be even considering this, he's obviously got on with his life and must be content to some extent without me in it, is it stupid to think this something he might want... to hear from me.
I guess I'm kind of asking if this is silly to be doing at all and if I was to attempt a letter how should I go about this...
Any advice would really be appreciated, as you can probably tell I'm conflicted.
TIA x

Men who can walk away from their children are not nice men and time doesn't change them.
This.
My father didn't contact the children of his first marriage for 20 years. He was a bloody nightmare.

There have been ocasions where an estranged parent has written, sent presents and cards and the other parent has not passed these on. For this reason I think you should cautiously contact him just to make sure no misunderstandings have not occurred.

Sorry but I don’t think you should do this. I’d focus on healing the hurt. Some really quality therapy. And write the letter. Say everything you need to say, but don’t send it. Any decent loving parent who wants to be in your life would have been. I think only hurt and disappointment can come from opening that door.

My advice would be reach out to him when you feel ready but keep an open mind & be ready to be rejected.
I reached out to my father some years ago; I’d left it a long time because I’d been told he wanted nothing to do with me etc.
i wrote him a letter saying I wanted nothing from him only to be able to ask him a few simple questions at first he slammed the door shut; so I replied saying I totally understood & respected his decision & left it at that; a few weeks later I received a letter of apology saying he was shocked to hear from me & that he was really so pleased I’d contacted him he’d waited 40 years to get the letter & now he might have ruined it; of course he hadn’t & we meet as often as we can & we speak weekly; have now got a relationship built on trust & I love him dearly I’ve learnt the stories I was told about him were lies & that he tried so hard to be part of my life when I was born but my mother stopped him so he walked away hoping that one day I’d look him up & I did; he also has grandchildren & great grandchildren who he loves & adores x
so put those big girl pants on & when you feel ready drop him a message xx Good luck xx

I think if you choose to meet him it will have to be where he is at emotionally. I haven’t spoken to my father in 8 years and if I were to speak to him it would have to be on his terms. I met him before we fully cut off contact and the rage was bubbling off him because he was so angry with me but he had done something awful he did not want to take responsibility for. .

If I were to meet him again I would have to walk I over hot coals and repent for and take responsibility all of his failings (as well as my own which are innumerable but I’m more than willing to own them) and I know that is the price I would have to pay. Men/parents who reject their own children have significant problems psychologically and emotionally and if you are willing to accept that and have a relationship with on that basis then it might be possible but otherwise not really certainly not if you hope he has grown up in the intervening years. That almost never happens.

I don't have any personal experience of this situation but as a 73-year-old I know of plenty who do, and in my opinion it is always worth a try, but keep control of your expectations as others have said. You may not have known the full story of why he left, what problems he had/has or if he has changed. He might find it comforting to know you still care and be willing to get in touch, initially at a slow pace. You will never know if you don't give it a go.

The nearest I had was a cousin who fell out with her birth family in her early 20s and the family disowned her. I didn't know why till I got in touch when she was in her forties and learnt that she was a serious alcoholic, given to violent behaviour and frequent visits by the police. Her children hated her, her DH was at a loss to cope. I also learnt that her alcoholism was as a result of her DH being almost totally absent from her life since their marriage, pursuing a career that involved long periods working abroad, leaving her to manage the children (very well, by his admittance) and the home. Unfortunately or not, she was a highly-intelligent woman who was desperately lonely, hurt, felt abandoned etc. I made contact with her in her 40s and could see all this, but because her DH was seen as a "nice man" (and he was, just totally blind to the possibility of anything to do with him) everything was blamed on my cousin. I didn't succeed in changing her alcoholism and she died aged 52 of liver failure, but I am glad I was "around" to show her that someone understood and cared (even though she called me every name under the sun). Her second DH at her funeral thanked me for my emotional support and told me she had valued it.

You will not know if you don't make contact, but be prepared for it not working out and never blame yourself for that.

Entirely your choice OP, but just be mindful these situations may not turn out the way you hoped. Wishing you all the best.

When I finally plucked up the courage to leave my narcissist controlling husband after 25 years, he threatened to commit suicide and when that didn't work he blackened my character to everyone he came in contact with. This was a ploy to gain sympathy from my DS (20) and my DD (24) which worked because they cut me out of their lives and stated that they never wanted to see me again. That was 20 years ago. My DS now has a partner and a 7 year old son. I know that financially they struggle. I am quite comfortably off. If he wrote to me, I would be happy to try and build bridges, get to know my grandson and be pleased to help them financially. After 20 years I doubt very much if it will happen.

My DH has 2 children (with the first wife) who are now grown up . He hasn't seen them for many years, but did write to them on many occasions individually to try to rekindle some sort of contact.

The fall out from his previous marriage was horrendous. Ex W would not adhere to any contact arrangements made and was constantly shouting in front of the kids who were six and 1 . Despite court appearances to prove otherwise she would simply not allow him to have the kids.She told him his son was not his , so he had a test, she went mental . He totally was !! His health suffered as a result. She accused him of not paying CSA constantly. Over the next few years she poisoned the kids against him.He has always paid CSA and had to keep every receipt for court appearances. Due to the impact on his health and the damage it was doing to the kids he finally made the decision to walk away from having them as it was just a constant shouting match. Contact access through court was arranged but she didnt turn up to drop them off at the centre on numerous occasions He was left heartbroken over n over. They moved address constantly and family members allegedly didn't know where they were etc . Court could not find them most of the time.
Over the next few years DH tried when he could afford to find their new address.
He posted a card/ present or money for nearly every birthday and xmas but they were always returned ripped up. Even the 18 th one and 21 st ones. Followed usually by a phone call from her threatening to have him "sorted" if he persisted and generally screaming down the phone. Every occasion he tried month after month year after year it was the same .

Eventually a letter was sent direct to the kids where he kept it simple , offered contact via email / tel no.and just wanting them to know that he thinks about them every day and wishing them a good life. Both the kids wrote to him saying they didnt want to have contact because of what he did to their mum etc brainwashed Yet she was having multiple affairs while he was at work. He was never violent , never reacted to the torrents of abuse down the phone , never cheated nothing to invoke. She ended the relationship due to the multiple affairs.

Its not always the Dads fault.

You should totally reach out , you never know, just to hear the other side of the story if nothing else.

I have been estranged from my father for approx 14 years, since I was 18. Much like your situation, he has never attempted to make any contact with me despite still having a relationship with my brother.

A few years back in the run up to my wedding, I had a strong sense of urgency to reach out to him (also thought about a letter). I went through inner turmoil for about a year before ultimately deciding not to make contact. I feel so at peace with this now.

In recent months, I have walked past him several times (he lives in the same town as me) and he has looked me dead in the eye and walked on. I won’t pretend that this doesn't affect me, but it does re-affirm my decision. Had I reached out, I would likely have not received a reply/got the reply I wanted.

I am not suggesting this would be the same for you or anyone else. But my recommendation would be to give yourself time to mull it over. Write the letter, but you don’t have to
send it.

Sending so much love and strength OP

Maybe he senses you wouldn't want to see him and that it's best for you that he doesn't bother you.

A male friend who ive known since uni and we are now approaching 60 is not in contact with his children after a very acrimonius divorce. I
Hes not been in contact since but paid for their education. I suspect the reason for no contact is hes trying to avoid rejection, heartache and emotional conflict.
Ive often thought what a lovely guy he is and how much his dcs are missing out not knowing him.
Of course, this may not be the same in your case. Give it a try, go very slowly and carefully. Some people dont necessarily make good parents.

I've just reread your post and you say you dislike the way he treated you and your family. Can you say more about this because I'm a bit concerned everyone saying oh contact him he might be innocent of everything when actually this sounds as though he isn't.

This.

If you do go ahead, good advice here from @Chariothorses.

Protect yourself. I tried a number of times over the years to reestablish contact with an estranged parent. Sometimes it took him til the 2nd contact to start his toxic nonsense. The last and final time it was less than half a minute and the real him was back in the room. Awful and very damaging to me.

However, there are other posters here it has worked out for.

Whatever your decision, just make sure you hold something back until you know it's positive for you, as advised by @Chariothorses. 💐

This is often the case. The parent who retains control of the children can become very difficult indeed about allowing access. In my case, even occasional contact wasn't worth the consequences. I didn't miss him particularly in my teens: the parental rows had been horrendous.

A friend of mine and her 2 brothers were dropped by their Dad when their parents divorced. He remarried quickly and had no interest in his 3 children from his previous marriage. He had no children with his second wife.
When my friend had a family of her own she reached out to him and asked if he would like to be part of his Grandchildren's lives. He didn't.

This is the case with one old friend.

Her DM painted the dad as a villain and accused him of horrendous things.

The more the father tried to fight, the more vicious she got.

Got to the point of accusing him of sexually abusing the kids.

Kids knew it wasn't true but were confused and scared of upsetting their DM. Instead of putting his kids through a court case, he walked away.

They've since repaired the relationship after her DM died, but have missed so many years.

Unfortunately mothers can be bad parents, but it's often the man who's blamed.

You can only try OP, and if he's a good man or had redeemed himself, then it will be worth it.

If not, you will know for sure and not have to live with what's ifs.

Perhaps it would help you decide what to do if you factored in the fact that your kids might like to meet - or like to have met - their grandfather.

If this was me I'd write a letter but I'd not tell him anything about myself I'd only be asking why he chose not to be in my life from me being 13 years old. I'd have to know the answers to questions, I've no doubt you have plenty of questions, before deciding if I wanted to try & forge a relationship with him.

I have some elderly parents who did something similar to your relative. They are wo derful people and didn't mean any harm, just didn't get it and not used to conflict. I think the suggestions to instantly ghost are crazy, and deprive your kid of cousins.

Why not tell her your upset, and set a boundary with her. If it happens again, then you can talking about ending things with her too.