Regret is ruining me

[ThatNimblePeer]

This isn’t really an AIBU, posting for traffic. I think more than anything I’m just looking for people who have experienced the same thing, and can understand what I feel.

A few years ago I had to make a big choice that would really affect my life (think between 2 houses/2 job offers etc) in a short time. It was incredibly stressful. I did my best to consider carefully and weigh pros and cons, but ultimately I made the wrong decision. I knew pretty much as soon as I’d made it that it was wrong, but it couldn’t be reversed. As time has gone on it’s become clearer and clearer that it was wrong and why, but I can’t change it now. I just have to get up every day and live with the consequences, knowing the other choice would have been so much better.

I don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t want to be told I can’t know for sure the other choice would have been better - I’m as sure as I can be. I don’t want to ‘make the decision right’ (I’m doing my best, but there’s just no way round the fact that it’s a huge, huge cycle uphill). I cannot console myself with the fact that I did my best to make the right decision at the time - if anything, that makes it worse, knowing I tried so hard, went through so much stress, and still got it so badly wrong.

All I want, the only thing I want, is to be able to go back in time and change the decision. I know I can’t do that. It’s the only thing I want. I know I am BU.

I’m not looking for suggestions for how to make it better. I don’t think I can. I just want to know there are other people out there who know how this feels.

I know you said you didn’t want to go to therapy but I really think it might help. You can’t change the past, all you can do is change the way you think about it - and actually if you do that you can change your present and your future. I was absolutely drowning in regret a few months ago over events of about 18 months ago but eventually it go so bad, and I realised I was ruining my current life with the regrets, that I went to a therapist and it has helped me work on how my mind thinks. Regret can really sink you now, I’ve realised, so it could help to get some help to stop it doing so.

I mean this kindly, but the thing that is causing you the issue here, is not the choice you made, but your very binary thinking and fixation on having made the wrong choice. If you allow yourself to accept the choice you have made, things will start to settle for you. Elizabeth Day has made a living out of people talking about their biggest mistakes, and where it took them. There will be a path for you, but you might have to soften your binary thinking.

I think therapy can be really helpful in situations like these. CBT in particular can help challenge that black-and-white thinking (this option was definitely the wrong one, the other was definitely better) and help you accept that actually nothing is certain.

If there is one motto I try to live by, it’s never, ever look back. Only look forward and try just to think of the future with optimism. But therapy would help more!

Do you think that the dissatisfaction with the decision/choice that you did make has affected how you are viewing the decision/choice that you did not make ? Gently: the rose-tinted spectacles might be on. There must be a reason why you rejected that option initially. I agree with previous posters about trying to move forward and see the best in the current situation.

I am elderly now and think it is harder not to look back with regrets as you get older but that is with hindsight and an ability to see the bigger picture with the value of hindsight.
We all have regrets but you have to.try to.process them to the point where you don't dwell on them but concentrate on the here and now.What do you.have that you are grateful for ? ( children, partner ,friends , fantastic career, health or whatever matters to you ). Ask yourself would you.swap them for a chance to.take a different option ?
Thinking in those terms focuses you on what truly matters in life and helps me to.focus on the positive.
And few things are terminal . As long as you live you.have options to.modify your circumstances and take a different path so.hope is still there going forward.

Yes. I am in my 60s and now realise my pension provision is dismal. I took the decisions, my fault. Bugger all I can do about it now, but I am full of regret.

I have the odd moment of regret about a few things BUT I am firmly in the look forwards camp. Why? Because there is absolutely eff all you can do about the past and it’s a waste of time thinking about it.

Can you give yourself permission to grieve the decision? And the other life you think you’re kidding out on.

what's important now, though, is the future. Where do you go from here? If you’re not happy, make changes. Doesn’t have to be done overnight - can be a one year, three year or five year plan for example. I know it’s easier for me to write this, and it will involve tough decesions and maybe heartbreak, but think of the long term future.

This has happened 3 times to me with big decisions, BUT the thing you must remember is you have no way of knowing how the alternative would have panned out in reality.

You could have ended up a damn sight worse off since when looking back one always assumes that everything in the other situation would have gone according to plan and with no hiccups which, of course, it wouldn't have.

I’m so sorry. I’m going through something similar and am bereaved - so no chance to put right.
it’s awful isn’t it. It’s so hard to change mindset.

Well, just think you could´ve been hit by a bus on the way to option 1 and would have ended up in a wheel chair. Yes you could have chosen the other option but some other negative consequence would have arisen to take the guilt off the gingerbread. (pun not intended). I think sometimes a long time has to pass for us to say, well in the end it wasn´t so bad and thank God I didn´t go for 1.

That is such a wise answer. I hoped it helped the OP as much as it has me

Hello. I just wanted to say I totally get this. The agony of...if I'd just make a different decision. I still live with regret every day and I think I always will. But I try to use it spur me on - to live the best life I possibly can despite it. Like, I have this sadness inside somewhere in me always, but it motivates me to make a good life around it. That way I sort of use it as fuel. Everyone has regrets, I swear. Sometimes I imagine my life like a tapestry (really pretentious I know) and this is just a wonky stitch that runs through it but it makes it beautiful too. Sending you love xxx

Most things aren't unfixable, can you take steps towards the life you want now?

I wonder if it would be easier if it were a situation that had just happened without any decision making from you? Lots of people end up in difficult situations because things just happen (eg spouse leaving, bereavement, job loss, etc). You made the best decision you could at the time, the fact that it turned out to be the wrong one in hindsight is not your fault so stop blaming yourself. DH and I are stuck in a very stressful situation with our house that is due to decisions we made at the time based on a different situation. Our situation changed and we can’t do anything about it now. It’s been about 8 years and if I was constantly thinking “what if” I’d have gone completely mad by now. Stop imagining the alternative situation, stop blaming yourself for choosing wrong, just focus on your actual situation right now.

What choice can't be changed later? The only ones I can think of is to have or not have a child or to choose a partner or friend , or possibly physical changes to your body that can not be reversed - stuff like jobs - you can always change this path, houses you can always move for those things you need a plan so it gives you the focus to move to the right direction.

You have to remind yourself that you don’t know how the other decision would have turned out. You now think it would have been better, but that’s easy to say….let’s say you had bought this other house, maybe huge structural issues would have become apparent and cost a fortune to fix, or maybe there are nightmare neighbours. If you had taken the other job, maybe you’d have had a bullying manager or colleague who would have made your life a misery. If you had married the other guy instead, maybe he’d have cheated…and so on, my point is that we can only assume another choice would have been better and it’s easy to idealise it. I think you need to keep this in mind.

I understand OP.

When I was 26 I started having doubts about my partner of 6 years. We were clearly incompatible and the cracks were showing. I had started an exciting new stage of my life, was meeting new people, had started on my dream career path. But I decided to make one last go of it, after talking to him. In the "one last go" I fell accidentally pregnant and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. I don't regret my DC, because I love them. But I wasn't ready for that stage of my life and DC's father is not the man for me.

The decision cost me everything. I was a graduate student in a promising career trajectory. But the career takes full commitment and travel, which I abandoned after DC. I still work in the industry and in my opinion have done very well to stay in it considering, but it's not what I could have had. I agreed to move to be close to DP,'s family and I don't like it here. DP and I never recovered our relationship. He became resentful and angry once DC was born and he realised that I wasn't going to switch into being a traditional stay at home mum. The resentment and depression that I feel at my life have made me a cold distant partner. I had wanted two children, but finishing that stage of my career meant I couldn't have another straight away, and now it's too late - my DC is already past the age where a sibling makes sense, I can't afford it or to move, and my relationship isn't strong enough for another baby.

It's difficult to say that if I had my time again I'd do things differently, because I really do love my DC. Really I should have split up with my DP and enjoyed my new life. I think I would have done well and now, 7 years on, would be ready to start the family that I wanted with someone else.

No advice really. I try and remember how fortunate I am to have the things that I have and to make the most of what is in my control. I am kind to myself and make sure I have the things I enjoy in my life: in my case poetry, books, long walks in the countryside.

It’s about accepting where you are now, otherwise you are piling suffering on top of pain. Not easy but at the moment you’re stuck.

You can't change what's happened, but you can't go back either. Is there anything you can think of that'll help you?

You need something to help you cope. You mustn't spend the rest of your days controlled by regret.

Keep posting here for support. Have you spoken to the Samaritans or considered hypnotherapy?

It must be so overwhelming for you

Another way of looking at is that you are fortunate to have choices. A lot of people in this world don’t have any choice about what happens in their life.

I’ve made some dumb choices in hindsight BUT I was able to choose and I still am. The cost of that freedom is sometimes you are going to choose wrong.

Sorry OP living with regrets is really hard.

I have loads! They play on my mind alot and make me really sad especially now that I am older and feel like life could have gone so different.

I had a horrible childhood and married a man who was 'safe' rather than one I loved. We got divorced eventually.

I sold houses that with hindsight I should have kept. I bought houses which were just wrong and was miserable living there.

I made bad financial decisions re new cars, designer clothes, paying back mortgages that had redemption fees.

I had relationships with men that I cared for but I messed them up. It was only later in life I started to realise I have a disorganised attachment due to trauma and abuse in childhood (thinking of going for therapy now). It makes me so sad that these relationships might have worked out had I had better start in life and a more secure attachment. I still think about one or two of them with longing and regret.

I had good jobs that I chucked in because i was bored and forced myself into situations where I had to take a job that was less suitable.

I wish I could relive my life with the knowledge and wisdom I have now.

I'm in my fifties now and am going through a period of grief and reflection. I am probably going to start therapy soon and then I am going to have another bash at finding someone. I feel scared but if I have the courage to at least try then I think that will be 'progress' for me as I have always been terrified of rejection.

I didn't have kids because my childhood put me off and now I am alone with no kids/grandkids or partner.

Sorry, very depressing post. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

It does piss me off that when I was young and beautiful I made such a mess of it all. I will get therapy and be much healthier to date but now of course I am wrinkly and not beautiful so way less chances to met someone.

I don't know what the answer is. I guess we can just try and be compassionate with ourselves. We did the best we could at the time. We can only try and learn from our mistakes and do better next time.

Hugs

This is a great thread! So many wise words here.

Like many, I’m one of the people who has a tendency to look backwards and struggle with regrets. At times they have been all-consuming although as I’ve got older I’ve got slightly better at processing things.

I once read on here that ruminating over past mistakes is “bullying yourself with your own thoughts”. That really resonated with me and now when I start doing it I try to be a bit kinder to myself.

I do completely get it though OP, and you certainly are not alone.

Win Omaze and took the house instead of the money?

Seriously though op, quit the job and find a new one ,even if it means losing certain promoted status. Sell the house for something smaller in the area you want. Life's short, don't let losing some money or fear of failure or what other people will think etc...hold you back from whatever it is you want.

Leave the marriage that isnt happy.

Give custody of the child you didn't actually want to the other parent (men do it all the time) and just pay child support.

You get one life, make the changes.

I think you sum up the saying " you can't put an old head on young shoulders" really well.
It is the same for most of us...by the time we have the wisdom to handle life we are generally too old and knackered to make the best use of it.