To expect more from DH around the home?

[CMRE]

I am going to try and add everything I can to the OP so apologies if it drags on a bit.

DH and I have been together 12 years, lived together for 10. He has always, always been messy. Initially (pre-children, and living in a flat) I don’t think I noticed it as much or as badly, as I am really tidy and was just always clearing things away as we went. I just don’t think I noticed how much of the mess was his.

Anyway, cut to today - we have two young children, the eldest is just 7. Both in primary school. We both work full time. The kids cling to me like glue and I am without a doubt the default parent. I keep an eye on their clothes and shoes upsizing when needed, I deal with all school comms, deal with their clubs outside of school, remember the homework and library book dates, sort all gifts for parties yada yada - you get it, I do sodding everything. Mental load is all mine. All DH is expected to do is his share of drop offs and pick ups, and the occasional food shop (which he will always, always ask me for a list for - if I don’t send him one he comes back with a few days worth of crap or even things I’m intolerant to, and expects me to be over the moon).

But along with this his messiness is just out of control, and I don’t have the time (or the sodding inclination) to deal with it anymore. I’m just so done with it. He leaves food wrappers on the couch, leaves his shoes and clothes literally wherever he takes them off, there’s 2-day old coffee still sat in the cafetière. He mows the lawn and then just leaves the cut grass everywhere rather than collect it up, so we’ve got it growing all over the garden. Doesn’t clean the sink after brushing his teeth or the shower when he’s done, ever. Never tidies; all the tidying and cleaning in the house is still on me - once I asked him to hoover downstairs as we were in a rush for people arriving and he didn’t know how to turn it on.

It’s becoming a massive massive issue. Admittedly I have just always done it, but I have tried so many times now to talk to him about it and it goes nowhere. He becomes defensive and tries to somehow deflect back to me. But I am so, so sick of it now. He had today off quite randomly as he had to work the Bank Holiday so I just asked if he could tidy up a bit once he’d dropped the kids to school - popped downstairs (WFH) at 2pm and he’s done nothing. Actually nothing. He’s just sat on his phone. His excuse - just too tired after some busy days at work. It’s all kicked off and once again he’s deflected to me - he feels under appreciated by me for the things he does do because he took the kids to school (LOL).

I’m at a loss. Could marriage counselling help? Surely it’s just changing a habit. People quit smoking, etc - surely, surely he can learn to be a bit tidier. I’m so sick of him now I just want to leave his pots and clothes and shoes in one pile and only tidy mine and the kids. Has anyone else been in a similar situation where they’ve successfully gotten someone to change?

He’s a lazy lump isn’t he. I used to just leave my ex’s stuff where he’d dropped it, get him to sort his own stuff, refused to be the unpaid maid.
I now happily live without him, far less stressful and annoying.

I doubt you're going to change him. He's a naturally lazy sod and this has been going on so long. He blames you when you call him out, so he's not even a teeny bit sorry (which is a very bad sign). Bottom line, he just doesn't give a shit.

Why would you put up with any of this shit?

Do you do his washing and cook his food?

How is a man like this even remotely appealing to you?

It never ceases to amaze me what other people will tolerate from grown adults. Bonkers.

I fixed this by having my DP move out.

Fuck me. What a disgusting, disrespectful animal.

Maybe you could try what my dad did once to my brother - any mess he left he would put in his bed under his duvet. He jumped into bed at night time and end up lying on rubbish and dirty plates. He only had to do it once.

I reckon your filthy rat of a husband might take a bit longer to train though.

Over the next week or fortnight write up a list of house and child related tasks that you each do, when they need doing and how long they take (add to the list as you do them).

At the end of the week or fortnight show him the list of chores, tell him you are overwhelmed and need him to be a partner not a passenger. Ask him to pick 50% of the tasks and he can either do them or pay someone to do them.

I normally do not in any way advocate writing lists for men but I would be extremely bloody tempted to write a list of what you do and what he does to visually demonstrate what a fucking dick he's being.
And then I'd ask 'all of it needs to be done, so why are you okay with your partner, the person you are meant to love, doing all of this?'
Followed by 'cleaning up after you, especially such basic things like your toothpaste out of the sink, makes me feel like your mother. Is that how you want me to feel?'
God I'm so annoyed on your behalf! What does he say when he gets defensive about how much YOU are doing (as opposed to how little he is)

You are basically this lazy slobs unpaid maid.
Just tidy your things up and the DC for a few days and see if he actually does anything for himself.

The thing is, this goes beyond not doing his fair share of housework. You could potentially fix that with lists. This is a grown man leaving litter lying around. Where do you even start with that? There are children who know better than that. Hell, my teenagers put their shoes in the cupboard and would never dream of leaving rubbish lying around

I had one of these, we are getting divorced. Unfortunately, nothing would get him to change. He would sit up late watching TV and leave his empty wrappers and socks on the floor, even although he walked past the kitchen bin on the way to bed. He would never ever clean the bath. Left it full of disgusting hairs, so when I went to give the kids a bath, I would need to clean it myself. I asked him to do it many times, and he would say he forgot, or was doing to do it later (his favourite). Used to use that black charcoal toothpaste and never rinse the sink. The list goes on...But somehow it was never his fault and I was always making him out as the bad guy. After years of banging my head against a wall at the total lack of respect, I gave up.

Could you get a cleaner, essentially paying to remove some of the issue?

And by you I mean your DH. If he hasn't tidied or cleaned in the past 12 years he needs to find and manage the cleaner

Also, send him this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

His laziness is destroying your marriage

OP, this sounds awful. I think the really really big red flag is that he deflects it onto you. You don't really spell this out but I'm guess it turns into a classic attack on you? You nag. You don't appreciate what he does do (while implying that mowing the lawn/fetching the kids is equivalent). Nothing he does is ever good enough. You have impossible standards. You are a control freak. You don't appreciate how hard he works. etc etc etc?

The issue is that he has no desire or interest in changing so the chances are tha tunless he accepts something needs to change, NOTHING will work.

I think you have to decide what you will accept, as the bare minimum, to continue in this relationship. That might be couples therapy for a start. and x number of specific tasks he has to do - clean the bathroom on Fridays or change the bedding on Wednesdays.

If thi sis the ONLY issue in your relationship, then of course, getting a cleaner might help, irritating though it might be. Bt if it's part of a bigger issue of him being disrespectul and entitled, then all that does is act as a bit of a bandaid.

Counselling won't help

He has shown you who he is

Ask him to move out.

Tell him you’re fed up of him not doing his fair share and it will be easier for you to live alone and just clean up after yourself and the kids rather than have him live there and just make mess.

Mean it.

Does he have somewhere to go tonight? Parents? Friends?

He's simply not husband and father material.

Seperate houses.

It is, it’s the only issue but it’s just becoming such a huge one. It has such a knock on effect on daily life and I feel so so resentful.

I do really like the idea of a list. To just show just how much I’m doing all the time and how little he does when you compare the two. I just don’t know how he’d come back to that then.

I’d love a cleaner, I really would. If it was just the tidying element to try and sort between us, it could be an easier ‘start’!

When he gets defensive it’s usually along the lines of well I don’t appreciate everything he does do, he’ll throw an example in that’s useless (‘I got petrol on Monday!’) or worse still, he’s said things like ‘I don’t see mess like you do’

This is BRILLIANT. I think I will send this with the list. Thank you!

If he won’t talk or listen

Give him a dirty plate for his dinner and don’t wash his clothes , throw out abythung that looks like rubbish like shoes in the wrong place ( or pretend to / he can rifle though the bin bags )

for shopping - get him to show you HIS list before he goes so you can double check it

Start writing a list of ALL the contributions you make to the running of the home..
Ask him to add on his bits.. At the end of the week shove it up his bloody nose...
Or stop doing things that benefit him. Like his laundry or cooking.. Tell him you are too tired to manage it...